Category : Blogs
Sub Category : Relationships
The first time she smiles at you, you blush as your heart starts racing. The first time he picks you up for a date, you're super stoked that you hear bells ringing in your head. The first time you kiss, heads slowly inching close, eyes shut tight, lips touch, the anticipation finally comes to an end and you're smitten beyond your imagination. As the kiss deepens, you feel light-headed and giddy, fluttering butterflies swirling in your tummy. You are convinced you're in love, for the first time.
It's the first time you'll realize that you can feel this way about another person; the feeling of love the way they describe in romance novels, on TV and in the movies. It is real and it's amazing. You look into their eyes and you see the same stars sparkling in them and it's the first time you'll realize that another person can feel the same way about you as you do them. You're on cloud 9. You feel yourself floating, your feet hardly touch the ground and you feel fine. It's the first time you'll let yourself become truly comfortable with another person, the first time you'll let your guard down completely, and it's the first time you'll let someone see who you are in all your entirety. In your state of bliss, you laugh without a care in the world. It's the first time you'll laugh so hard till you snort in front of another person without turning bright red with embarrassment. As your relationship progresses, it's the first time you'll be unashamed to expose your naked body to be viewed and admired by another person, the first time you'll allow yourself to be loved truly, passionately and completely.
In the spirit of sharing and caring, trust and honesty, it's the first time you'll show your vulnerability openly. The first time you'll let someone see you break down in tears, letting your water dam burst. You open your floodgates and cry hard, harder than you ever have before, harder than you ever knew you could. It's the first time you'll realize that it's not possible to run out of tears. But like all that is good, shit happens. It's the first time you'll realize that the person who can make you the happiest is also the person who can bring you the most agony.
First love.... it's the first time you'll hold the bow, and let someone else pull back the arrow, aimed at your chest. First love.... is trusting them not to let go, trusting them to protect your heart. First love.... is never thinking, or expecting them to let go.
It's called 'first love' because it's also the first time you'll feel what happens when it's over. It's the first time you'll feel as though a fist rip through your chest, grip your heart, pulling it out and tearing it apart. It's the first time you'll cry so hard over another person to the point where you can't breathe. It's the first time you'll feel completely helpless, like a kitten that hasn't quite learned how to walk on its own. It's the first time you'll feel like you're grabbing onto something only to realize it's all smoke disappearing between your fingers. It's the first time you'll blame yourself for something that perhaps wasn't even your fault, or maybe it was, but you'll never know for sure, and it's also the first time you'll be entirely responsible for the way you feel inside.
It's the first time you'll put yourself at fault for loving too much. You beat yourself up for recklessly throwing yourself completely onto the relationship, for letting yourself become absorbed into them, for thinking your first love was going to be your last love. It's the first time you gave more than you have to make another person happy, but at the time it was okay, so you thought, because their happiness was your happiness. And in assuming you'd be together forever, you believed that as long as you kept them happy, you'd be happy. This is the first time you'll blame yourself for caring too much that in doing so, you had lost yourself in the process.
Hearing the words "I don't love you anymore" for the first time, sucks. It feels like a dagger stabbed through your heart. It hurts and it hurts real bad. Nothing seems to hurt as much as hearing your first love tell you it's over. You'll feel numb, grief-stricken and you'll feel like your life is over.
Does this sound painful to you?
Well, it's time to snap out of your fantasy and start realizing that your first love is not a young adult novel. No matter how hard you wish it was, things will not necessarily work out in the end. You will not necessarily end up with them. Like I said, shit happens.
Don't fantasize about them sitting in their room every night with your pictures spread over their bed, pining away for you and wrestling with their deep, ever-present love for you that they can't seem to extinguish. Because they are not. They aren't confused, they aren't struggling to keep themself from calling you or walking over to your house to knock on your door. They don't care anymore. It's that plain and simple. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you recognize your first love has come to an end, the sooner you'll be able to move on and enjoy your life and the wonderful things that are to come your way, the same way they are already doing.
When first love ends, you'll wonder if you even knew what love even was. You'll wonder if what you had was real or if you felt that way (or if they felt that way) only because that's what romance novels and movies told you to feel. When first love ends, you'll be left feeling lost and alone, sad and confused, and absolutely hopeless.
First love hurts.
When first love ends, it'll leave you second guessing yourself, your self-worth, and who you even are. When first love ends, you'll feel there's now a hole in your heart, an absence of a presence, a hollow and empty space, you'll feel like something's missing. You'll try to put up a brave front to show strength by telling yourself that you'll 'adjust', that your heart will heal and become whole again, even though you don't feel it will. But in time, when your heart does heal, it will never be the same. The space where your first love used to occupy will remain hollow and empty. There will be scars that will never fade.
When first love ends, you'll feel like you're drowning, desperately gasping for air. You'll reach out your hand for help, but the hand you've trusted for so long is the one pressing you down and keeping you under.
Moral of the story:
First love is not your only love. It's not necessarily your best love, or your last love. First love is first. Your very first experience of love. It's something wonderful, amazing and new, but first is not synonymous with forever. And first is definitely not connected whatsoever to final. It's called your 'first love' simply because it's just that - your first. Not your last.