Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

To my ex bestfriend
Oh I hope your doing well;  I really do.  
How things turned out like this so quickly I will never understand.  
I never even thought we would become so close with how it all started let alone this.  
The one thing I've always been is honest with you.  
We had the type of friendship that was unbreakable;  as pure as gold.  
We never gave up on each other.  We told each other everything.  We slept with each other.  We helped each other mentally,  physically,  financially.  I felt like I met someone so rare.  It was like another me.  It felt good to have someone around that I could relate to.  Even when I couldn't relate.  It was good to just have that company you know. It was good to have someone to do fun things with.  To be myself with.  Who saw my imperfections just like I saw yours.  And still,  loved.  
There were times where I stuck by your decions even when I thought they we're wrong because that's what friends do.  And there was times we're I finanlly had to let you go and make them bad decisions for yourself.  Maybe that's where you we're at in the end. 
You helped me so much with bubs,  it felt like she had an aunty she never had.  
We we're that close we even got a tattoo to symbolize our friendship.  
We we're inseparable 
Then I made some mistakes, because deep down I wasn't happy.  I was missing one thing I wanted even if I couldn't admit it myself. 
Oh how things ended like this I'll never know. 
I went back to bubs dad
You started being more distant.  
Never home,  it felt like I wasn't important. Lots of things we're changing. 
I felt like it was all me.  Maybe I stuffed up.  Maybe I was slowly losing my soul mate through my decisions.  
But you said I was over reacting. 
I mean I could of been,  I just found out I was pregnant,  I was hormonal and emotional and I didn't know what to do.  I could barely look after myself let alone bubs
Cleaning got harder even though I wasn't showing you know.  It was so early.   
Cooking or being around food was torture because I started becoming really neauses.  
I guess it upset me a lot because when we thought you we're pregnant,  I was there I never left your sight.  I even tried pulling your man up when he be acting up.  I would make your bed and look after you and I felt like I was on my own... 
It became Christmas,  and I swear I had less stuff then what I bought.  Either way it doesn't mean anything to me now.  Maybe your right,  maybe I didn't get what I thought I did.  Maybe I put it back.  Maybe it was all in my head.  Was I losing it?  It honesty doesn't suoprise me,  my mind this pregnancy has been far off.  So I'm sorry I could of been all wrong.  There again is my mistake,  my bad decisions and the way I went about it.  
And there it went down hill. 
You said by the time I come home you and nothing won't be there.  Far enough,  I lost the plot at you,  I don't blame you.  I mean,  I would too. 
But I wouldn't just leave..  Your my mate.  I finally was able to come on the train 3 hours away,  with vomiting as bad as ever,  a toddler and a partner just as stressed as I was. 
There it was,  the house. 
Lawns high as my knees,  house a mess and all your stuff gone.  With blue tack on your bedroom walls. There wasn't much I could do at that point,  we only had the weekend and had to catch a train back.  Of cause there was no contact with you.  
That one trip cost roughly $100 but I still had to do a lot more trips then that.  
I had to pay full rent until I found someone to move in, while you stopped paying your share. Which you were second on the lease it was your responsiblity and pay to get the stuff out. Not just fuel,  pay for a big trailer,  not just one load 6 hours there and back either.  
It came to the point we're I had to chuck good stuff out because I couldn't transport it all.  And while I'm paying for the other house, i had to oay remt where i was. Then few weeks later, the owner wanted to move into the house i was in so we had to move yet again
All up it all came to over $2000
We had to sell drugs just to get by because without doing so,  we just couldn't do it. 
Kayla wasn't sleep at night,  she was up every hour legit.  
She stopped eating as much,  so know she's back on formula now but at the time we didn't know. I could barely drink water let alone move but I did it.  We ended up getting that house done in the end. Also had to pay to get the lawns not just mowed but all professionally done. With the realeastate constantly on my case to get a hold of you
It was torture. 
You did the runner on me and left me with everything. 
I couldn't do that to you especially if you we're pregnant. 
That alone is enough stress so early in the pregnancy...  
But I wasn't all that mad about the hundreds of debt you left me in 
I was more upset that the one thing I wanted replaced you never did.  And it might mean nothing to you,  but it meant a lot to me.  My mother bought that couch for bubs and ahh.  Look. If I had it my way it wouldn't mean anything.  I was only $25 couch.  But mum ha.  Well you know mum..  Obviously not well enough.  See If mum saw the state it was in,  and that it was used for the dogs.  I would have got more then just punched.  That women is scary and if she wanted she could kill me. She's already tried!  I have the scares on my throat from when I was 16. That's why it means so much to me.  But not even that mattered.  
Ah anyways  ive said some nasty things. Things i shouldnt of said and im sorry. But can you see why? I was so hurt. 
Do you ever look down at your wrist and think of me and bubs? Because i do. 
Promise to me means ill always be there. That i promise to be there through thick and thin, through rich and poor. To be there when you in your prime to when your down and out. A promise to always a and no matter what cherish you for who you are. Through your flaws,  your weaknesses,  your imperfections. And one of your weaknesses is running away. And one of mine is saying hurtful things when I'm so upset. But that hasn't been all my stress this pregnancy I've had a lot more.  The biggest would have to be spending days in hospital preparing for surgery that could have made me lose my little girl... And I just wanted my ride or die chick but I didn't at the same time. But turns out I didn't need surgary but I've had to be strick on my self. I got 9 weeks left now and now suffering with depression I have to see a phycologist at the hospital so I don't end up with post natal depression when she arrives.  
And now I see your pregnant and I am litterly so happy for you. It's something you have wanted for years
Its what you deserve and what I think life was set out for you.  You we're made to be a mum.  Yet there's apart of me that wishes I could put you through the stress you put me under.  I wish I could put you in debt and face all the tears I did.  But then I don't.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  But I couldn't put you through it,  no matter how hurt I am.  I made a promise. 
See that tattoo means more to me then I think it does you.  And then I still have to break my promise like you did. I can forgive you,  but I can never let you back in my life again.  Not if you could do that to not only me but nakayla  the little girl who looked up to you,  and her unborn sister.  Because it wasnt just me that suffered.  And for that.. To my ex best friend,  I hope your hopes and dreams come true. I hope that your life brings you happiness  and you get everything you ever wanted.  
I hope you never run away from your problems again as for now it's not about you anymore.  It's about your progeny.
Just know I loved and still love you dearly. 
But to my ex best friend. In another life is where we will meet again.