TRUST Read Count : 8

Category : Books-Non-Fiction

Sub Category : Biography

                                        It was the  time in my life when as a young man see's  his world as invincible and a time when Trust meant everything . A  time when as a child. I most enjoyed the moments I spent with my father who to me was Superman with huge hands I feared him a voice so deep  in this sense of respect and was more than a dad he made me feel safe  my protector and alls I wanted in life from him was his love and friendship. We spent weekends up at my Grandmas "we called the Farm"  in northern Michigan starting back as young as eight we  would stop at my uncle Bobs "his favorite brother" on our way up every Friday I would pet and ride his horses " it meant everything being a city boy". Those were the good memories with my Dad Gardening , fishing and I tagged along hunting until I was old enough to have my own gun "there is no feeling like hunting and fishing with your dad" and on the weekends when we didn't go to the Farm I was watching my dad race Motocross .The early years of my childhood are some of my finest memories thinking back living down the road 


from me in the city an older lady named Agnus who had no family no one kids,or husband just a


few friends who pitty her.For the first time in my life as a young child  I was scared knowing I didn't 


want to end up like her alone in the end. My dream and desire was to be


married and not die alone, but how could I a kid with many friends, but 


here I am dying alone and throughout my life that nightmare still creeping

 

up on me. life was good for me around that time being a paperboy and 


learning responsibility and like all other boys girls were important to me 


where me and my friends would take the bus to the mall to chase girls, a 


time when I was just starting believe life was making sense and being the 


oldest boy and a father who wasn't into sports . My neighbor being the 


area superstar named Daane who treated me good and became myine as 


long as others mentor he taught us to play football and basketball Where


 we played football in the streets everyday even through the winter. I 


remember times being good for all, but yet being so Nieves that believing

 

what was on TV was real.


                          Then came Nine when my Dad starting letting me tag 


along with his adventures I was his pit man when he raced motor cross 


and watch him as he and my uncles would go rabbit hunting. To me it 


was the beginning of manhood and best part was listening to his stories 


as a child the old fishing hole. This was now a time "weekends " were just 


bonding time for me and my father and when we came home on 


Sunday's 


we would go for a bike ride except for the weekends he wasn't racing.


              I treasured the times going up to the farm until came along Diablo 


which deep down I believe my grandmother knew I was being sacrificed .


 Who was I ! a toy for him to play with ,my fathers youngest brother who I 


thought was the coolest guy that I ever met, until one night when 


everyone was gone except for diablo and me "a ten year old who didn't 


know better " who to trust. I still remember him telling me that this is 


what 


people do who love one another .This went one for about six months,


 even though his words were ones of someone I have always trusted ,it 


didn't feel right I felt sick and I began making excuses why I didn't want to 


go up to the farm with my father. I know deep down my parents knew 


though they confronted me and asked I denied it out of shame.


              We never talked about it again because that is how it was done 


back the . I still went with my Dad up to the farm every now and then 


after 


that when I knew Diablo wasn't there to hunt with the guys and help my

 

Dad plant a garden , but I think from then on my Dad looked at me 


differently a guilt of why he didn't see it coming knowing Diablo was Gay I 


guess it was a part of him that he couldn't believe his own blood would 


do 


a crime so Haines , a time when I lost all trust even to hug my own 


parents "which was a routinely effort because that is how we were raised, the closeness and love" but from that day forward I couldn't see them the same and he still stalked me coming over and forcing me to hug him, it was like he was taunting me laughing profusely not caring how awkward  it was to me. Knowing my parents were proud Irish family " now him being my dads step brother, he was and had no Irish in him " He was like trash that no one wanted to claim him. Like most  as a teen I didn't have therapy because it might get out.and it wasn't talked about but forgotten.

                          Though most pedophiles aren't Gay like most people are led to believe but rather an adult with a family who believes they've done nothing wrong and have no conscience


wasn't done back then it just wasn't talked about though throughout my

 

teenage years. So was I an outsider as I felt different around others and


 never showering in the school locker room in fear of having in pour 


thoughts, could I be gay? Did I ask for this , and was I the one who who 


came on to him. Alls I know is the sight of him made me sick. Someone


 who I once admired .Why did I become rebellious? Not coming home 


some nights ,talking back to the ones who I respected the most, Did I 


deep down blame them for not protecting me or mostly wondering what 


they thought of me, was it something I deserved ? Did they wish they 


never had me through a time when being molested was a disability and 


no one actually knew the true impact of Diabo's actions or will every 


victim become an abuser? How did every child molester know that we've 


been abused ? Like a sign on our back As I kept asking myself do they 


know each other ? Always having a grieving story that they understand ,  I 


was confused about my own  sexuality because of what 


happened to me "was I gay ?, do I look Gay?" Why do I have these 


feelings? wasn't there 


anything I could do to stop it? Is there others who feel the same because 


after that point everyone I looked at I wondered what they looked like 


without close on?  It happened before I ever knew what was 


going on and why am I having these feeling . 


               I turned to alcohol to numb the pain, and made myself vulnerable


 and at fiveteen drinking with some strangers. I must have been slept 


something in my drink because I woke up in a strange place handcuffed 


to some bed. It looked like a warehouse, not really even a bed just some 


mattresses on the floor . Noticing I was totally naked from the breeze  I 


felt. Not again , please God like a mixture between being sodemized and 


sexual abuse , the pain was more than one man could stand, thinking 


backing wishing and wondering why don't they just kill me?D o I have a 


life time filled with continued sexual abuse just to fulfillment of their sick 


fettishment ? Not worrying about getting caught ,no one was going to 


prison for child molestation back then, remembering over hearing them 


taking about making these 8 mm reels of child pornography . Looking 


down as far as my eyes could see was cages of boys and girls 


looking,thinking and wondering how I was going to escape. I had never


 seen so many sick abusers in my life. If it wasn't for the Trust in the bible 


and the in unrelentless  search of a mothers love through the media that a 

neighbor recognized one of these pedophiles described and I swear it 


was the first time I ever heard of sexual predators ever being sentenced 


after the toll over 100 predators were sentenced of child pornography . 


then at Seventeen I 


encountered my first love "who is a friend to this day" and everything was 


going great until the reality of being molested kicked in TRUST 

Comments

  • Jan 30, 2019

  • Feb 02, 2019

  • Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for what happened to you but just like you and I both know God is the only one who has kept us alive inside. May God bless you.

    Feb 04, 2019

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