Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

You never quit, do you? 

You creep in silently like a thief in the night, hoping I wouldn't notice your presence so you can sneak up and spring yourself on me unexpectedly. But I see you. Not only do I see you, I can also feel you crawling onto my skin. I can feel you sinking into my muscles and clutching onto my bones, tearing on me like the predator that you are. I can hear your silence in the middle of the night as I wake up from a torturous nightmare and lay with my eyes wide open, staring into space, wondering what had hit me. I can taste you in the endless cigarettes you make me smoke until my throat is too dry and sore to have another. 

What do you want from me??!! 

Why do you keep coming back to haunt me? Or maybe you never actually left. Maybe you remained in hiding, just waiting for the moment I'd least expect you to attack. You'd creep in while I'm in the midst of falling in love, when my guard is down, and just when I'm completing a difficult chapter of my life. You are just evil like that. You wouldn't show up when I'm already sad, because hey, that would be a waste of your time, right? You'd only come when it's most inconvenient for me. You'd challenge me when I'm unprepared. You'd pull me down after I've managed to climb mountains. Why? Why do you keep picking on me? 

But I've done this dance with you before. 

Even if I find it hard to get up in the morning, I will not let you hold me down under the covers again. I will drag my legs out from under my blanket and I will plop my feet onto the hard parquet floor. I will take my body that aches for no reason into the kitchen and I will make myself a cup of coffee to fuel my energy. Then I will write, even if every word I write has no meaning. I will still write even if the message that comes out is darker than the black coffee that sits by me on the table. 

Even though you have used food against me in the past, I will eat. Even when the most decadent food tastes bland and I can't seem to swallow anything but my sorrow, I will still put food in my mouth. I will enjoy and savour every chew and I will push the food down into my stomach. Even when I feel as if I've eaten far too much out of the stress you try to force upon me, I will not reject food like I've done before. 

I know you. I know your tricks. 

You will try to whisper sweet words that compels me to stay indoors to wallow on my supposed misery, but instead, I will step outside and bask in the warmth of the sun. The harsh heat that hits my face will make me think of how much cooler I would be in hiding, but I will brave the heat. Even when the sun is too bright against the darkness you try to create in me, I will lift my head up to it and take in every ray of vitamin D to fight against you. 

See, I'm well prepared now. You have become transparent to me. 

You may have won before. You may have kept me locked up in my room for days as time slipped away but that's not going to happen again. For every canceled plan that you made me do, I'll make another one. For the wasted hours of napping too long, I'll start my days earlier. For every negative thought that you drop in my mind, I'll squash and counter them with positive ones. And for all the times I was angry at myself for falling into your trap, I have forgiven myself. 

So, bring it, depression! Hit me with your best shot. I have studied your moves and mastered your patterns. You have nothing on me. I am stronger now than ever before. And fighting you? It's becoming easier and easier. 

You may never leave me alone as you seem to have a sick obsession with me, so come on over. I challenge you to. I dare you to. You will see the lack of control you have over me and you will run into hiding with your tail between your legs.... until the next time you decide to creep out and try your luck on me again. 

Pfft!