Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Twas the eve of the eve of Christmas.... 

You called me up, requested for a meet, said you needed to talk. You sounded so desperate and distraught, I agreed to meet. We met at a restaurant, had dinner, my guard was up. You made conversation, talked about all kinds of everything but the weather. I waited to hear what you really wanted to talk about but it became clear it was nothing whatsoever, just another trick of yours to get me to meet you for dinner. My guard stayed up. We ordered coffee for desert, you took my hand in yours, looked deep into my eyes and leaned in for a kiss. I stiffened. 

Wait a minute! Why do you want to kiss me? 

Is it so you can take me back to your place and pretend to care about my side of the conversation while secretly calculating how much longer until it's appropriate to place your hand on my thigh, run your fingers through my hair, cup my cheek in your palm and seduce me with your hot and passionate kisses? 

Why do you want to kiss me? 

Is it so you can explore my mind, my heart, to find out if there is still a possibility that I might still be carrying a torch for you and then conveniently 'forget' to return my texts the next day in fear of making things complicated between us? 

Or do you want to kiss me for a different reason? 

Is it because you are searching for a white picket fence romance? Are you planning on sweeping me off my feet, fashioning inside jokes to make us belly laugh and dropping to your knees to hand me a ring passed down from your grandmother? Are you hoping to exchange lifelong vows with me so you can promise me forever? Are you going to take forever away the second the idea you have of me inside your head tilts off course? Are you going to run away when problems show their face? Are you going to love me until you realize how hard it is for you to love anyone but yourself? 

Or do you want to kiss me for the right reasons? 

Do you want to build a future together, as teammates? Are you ready for a commitment, a real one, not a make-believe few months of playing house and sharing meals and intertwining beneath the blankets? 

Are you willing to change, to let go of your playboy ways, to stop lying, and to stop playing all your childish mind games? Are you willing to stop your manipulative ways to get things your way? Are you willing to be selfless, to grow the fuck up and be a real stand up man? Are you willing to choose me every single time, every single day? Are you still going to be there for me when it's time for tough conversations? Are you going to help me through my pain? Are you going to take my side? Are you ready and willing to handle all sides of me? Are you going to continue loving me even during moments when I am unlovable? 

Unless you are interested in kissing the real me, unless you are interested in entering a raw relationship, then I am not the one for you. I cannot give you a fairytale. I can only give you a reality. 

And the reality is, sometimes things are going to be difficult. Sometimes we are going to argue. Our love is not going to look like the movies. Sometimes our relationship is going to be beautiful beyond words and sometimes it is going to suck. I need someone who can handle that. I need someone I can trust and count on, someone who can love me through all seasons. Otherwise, I am not interested in getting closer to you, not even for a kiss.