I Am Not A Bad Person Using Anxiety As A Excuse To Be Horrible. Read Count : 11

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
I can tell who’s never had real life-debilitating anxiety. 

There’s a difference between feeling anxious and having anxiety. If you're feeling anxious and you lash out, then sure, maybe that person had the mental capacity to have been able to overcome.  But someone who has been diagnosed with anxiety.. it’s a different story. 

I may try and try and try to deal. I could be doing my counts, focusing on my breathing and telling myself over and over and over again not to lash out, not to panic, not to cry. To Breath. Breath. Breath. 

“Oh shit I’m not breathing. Slow your heart rate, slow your heart rate. It’s ok to feel bad, don’t stay there. It’s ok to feel bad, just don’t fucking stay there.”

I could tell myself all damn day. I could try my very fucking best. And when I know that my best that day isn’t enough.. I flake. I try to stay alone. And those beautiful angels that actually try to comfort us (not always in the right way) can do something as little as reminding us of a responsibility or something else small. And boom. Now I have to think.. 
“Breath. Breath. Breath. 1..2..3... you need me to what!?” And boom my head explodes and I’m mad. Mad at me. Mad at you. Mad at the world. Then more and more mad at me. Because I know they don’t deserve it. I can see myself but I can’t do anything. My thoughts are so fast; they are a blur or a noise that I can hear but cant focus on. My body is reacting. And I’m probably on the floor crying my eyes out because I just can’t deal. And I hate myself. 

But hey, I should really just try harder because obviously I’m doing something wrong. Right? Cuz I’m wrong all the time, I’m never right. I’m worthless. I’m not worthy of this person in front of me.... 

Well maybe so, but everyone has the option to walk out of someone’s life because they can’t or don’t want to deal with MY deal. I understand, and more power to them. I am not for everyone. I get that. It takes strong people to deal with me. It takes lots of patients and understanding. 

I sure as fuck try everyday. Some days are just worse than others. And those are the moments people with anxiety are hoping and praying that our loved ones will forgive us for.

Comments

  • so true

    Jan 19, 2019

  • Jan 19, 2019

Log Out?

Are you sure you want to log out?