Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Forever Friend
There’s a quote that I personally really love “Remember when you were little and you’d fall on the trampoline and everyone would keep jumping so you couldn't get up? That's adulthood.” I don't believe that's just adulthood but rather life in general. No matter the age the world isn’t going to stop and wait for you. That's what my entire life feels like just there struggling to get up while people tell me to just get up without slowing down. With these feelings of helplessness, choices are difficult and often the ones I do make are wrong. 
One major decision leads to multiple smaller decisions, meaning if that one is wrong then your life for a while is going to be pretty messed up. Everything before and including freshman year is perfect example of that for me decided that I didn't care. See the worst moments of my life were caused by my own choices. Sure life isn’t amazing and I'm not completely at fault. But the moment I truly fell down is the second that I didn't care. The wonderful thing is at your lowest points you meet some amazing people but some of them weren’t per say... Stable. Really I would trade those years back if I could change what ended up happening. 
One of the first cases is this one guy, I called him R, older of course but he had a certain type of kindness, humour and overly gentle vibe. We were online friends for years, the real type of friends up until freshman year that when the whole plan fell apart. See for the longest time I had believed that the one jumping still was me but really, I was one of the fallen just not yet being stepped on. So this huge black dude, who was a major softy, was doing his best to get with a young kid in sixth grade. See the issue huh? Sadly my very small brain thought that was fine, he was my friend. So I played along just a little but enough to keep him because remember I didn't care who it was as long as it was someone. Years went by caught in arguments because the little game over. His brother had been in an accident forgot what for, life going absolutely terrible for him yet I still didn't really care. For him a little talking some playing on a game with the rest of the group kept him there. Absuring the fact he did in like “COUGH” younger girls or say loli’s he was great. Listened to everyone’s issues regardless of the hell he went through a class A gent. Begging me to tell him the truth, begging to just be able to stay even if he would give up on any hope of his ideal small loli girl. 
   So I did.  
Told him how truly I felt how much I cared and the thoughts of someone else that had been why the little game had not been happening. Bluntly, regardless of the years we had or the type of friendship we grew over the time because when you honestly got down to it the flirting was nothing. Someone to trust was there, the group of eight teens and one adult at the end of it turned out the be the sanctuary we all needed. Not causal talking I mean every day, every night staying up late into the morning talking on calls or texting, sometimes those calls lasting up to 26 hours we would literally sleep on call then wake up and talk more. No, this wasn't the average online group we needed people because none of us had anyone else. 
He had no one else. But when that night was done the only thing that remained of the old kind, sweet, and understanding man was just the buckets of trauma he had and pure rage. To everyone else he just suddenly disappeared without a single word but to me a million goodbyes were said. This story would somehow turn out well to say he ended up being alright the group kept going, but no. We split after real life took our time everything moving too fast to stay up late chatting not caring about a single thing. I hadn't grown up, though, life still was bad, still alone but three friends but freshman year it all seemed to brighten up. But again the sort of ripple effect did happen, when a message came to me the middle of first tri freshman year. R reaching out again. 
Saying he’s sorry then asking how I’m doing almost a year hadn’t past acting as if everything was fine. Stupidly I kept talking even though the more we talked the more you could see that he had changed. No longer soft, no longer a ball of fluff he had grown hard emotionless even. Spoke of joining the military, not just the navy or somewhere nice but the ones that just run out on the battlefield with the highest chance of death he would say. I talked him out of it to go in just to hope to die was horrible to me because he was my first real friend. Wish I could change that decision he may have survived then. Because after a few weeks of talking he was a mess of anger, jealousy and hate. Without his meds or anyone left to keep him out of trouble drinking was a choice or watching lolis, but he needed a release of all the negative thoughts swarming his mind so, I got the entirety of it, playing the little therapist was exhausting on top of my quickly stacking problems. 
When one day it was just too much I told him, and yet again he snapped said goodbye and left for two cruel weeks. When finally one of the nights I was staying up until the morning he messaged me one last time. But not just one message but, paragraphs and paragraphs linking me to how his life went to rubbish. Somehow all of it was me and yes I believed it. After taking the bits of happiness I still had he said one last thing to me. “You are the reason I am doing this” Later I found out he had killed himself. 
For the first time I truly lost someone, and apparently it was my fault. Somehow it could be swung to be my fault for not staying or just going along with it luckily, I don't think that anymore much. This incident did push me over the edge and the ripple effect came into full action. Decision after decision each worse and worse.
Life without Reki was difficult each day I’d read through the messages thinking of ways I could've prevented everything. Each time my mind would create new scenarios and conversations that would've changed what happened but all of em ended in failure. 
My mind was clogged with toxic thoughts of him, each memory of his sweet smile slowly taking a piece of my heart to the grave with him. 
To go from having someone always with you, always ready to listen to being all alone again just creates a sense of longing that never goes way. He was like the old teddy bear you could hug at night when you are sad. And me? I am just the bad child left alone in the corner now crying without anyone to hold.
So truly this hasn't been my lowest time in my life nor the hardest, but it was one of the first that I had caused myself. First time I had really lost anyone and the first moment that guilt had taken me over. To this very day old, memories take me back to the calls of laughter and the faces of those I cared most for. Now I am no longer alone and can finally see you cannot make anyone do anything. So blame it on me all he can but, I am not going to live just for a mistake.
 Rest in peace, my forever friend R.