DON'T BE FOOLED BY ME Read Count : 5

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Don't be fooled by me.


Don't be fooled by the masks I wear.

For I wear a thousand masks;

masks that I'm afraid to take off,

and none of them are me!


Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

but don't be fooled

for G-d's sake--don't be fooled.


I give the impression that I'm secure

that all is sunny and unruffled with me,

within as well as without

that "confidence" is my name

that the water's calm and I'm in command

that I need no one.

but don't believe me--please!


My surface may seem smooth,

but my surface is my mask.


Beneath that lies no complacence

beneath dwells the real me in confusion

in fear

and alone-ness.


But I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it.


I panic at the thought of my weakness in fear of being exposed.


That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

a nonchalant, sophisticated facade,

to help me pretend,

to shield me from the glance that knows.


From such a glance precisely lies salvation

my only salvation

and I know it.


That is, if it's followed by acceptance

if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that will assure me of what

I can't assure myself--

that I'm worth something.

But I don't dare tell you this

I don't dare

I'm afraid to.


I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.


I'm afraid you'll think less of me

you'll laugh at me

and your laugh would kill me.


I'm afraid deep down I'm nothing

that I'm no good

and that you will see this and reject me.


So I play my game

my desperate game

with a facade of assurance without

and a trembling child within;

and so begins the parade of masks

and my life becomes a front.


I idly chatter to you in suave tones

and surface talk.


I tell you everything that is really nothing

and nothing of what's everything

of what's crying within me.


So when I'm going through my routine

don't be fooled by what I'm saying.


Please listen carefully to try to hear

what I'm not saying

but what I'd like to be able to say

but what I can't say.


I dislike hiding--!


I dislike the superficial game I'm playing;

the phony game.


I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me

but you've got to help me.


You've got to hold out your hand

even when that's the last thing I seem to want.


Only you can wipe away from my eyes the

blank stare of breathing death.


Only you can call me back into alive-ness

each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging

each time you try to understand because you really care.

My heart begins to grow wings

very small wings

very feeble wings

but wings.


With your sensitivity and sympathy

and your power of understanding

you can breathe life into me;

I want to know that!


I want you to know how important you are to me

how you can be the creator of the person that is me

if you choose to--

please choose to!

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble.


You alone can remove my mask.


You alone can release me from my shadow world

of panic and uncertainty

from my lonely person

do not pass me by--

please--do not pass me by!


It will not be easy for you.


A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.


The nearer you approach me

the blinder I strike back.


I fight against the very thing I cry out for

but I am told love is stronger than walls

and in this lies my hope.


Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands

but with gentle hands

for a child is very sensitive.


"Who am I?" you may wonder

I am someone you know very well

for I am every man you meet

and I am every woman you meet!!!

Comments

  • Jan 07, 2019

  • Jason Proffitt

    Jason Proffitt

    Dude....deeeep ish! i love the way you express yourself. You my friend...are not alone. Use those big balls you have n smash those walls bro!!

    Jan 07, 2019

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