Category : Stories

Sub Category : YoungAdult

Part 8


Sheila had been feeling out of sorts since she woke up this morning. Ever since the Divas were eliminated from the Sing-Off Vaganza singing competition, nothing in her life went right. Noah was still MIA, still not taking her calls or responding to her messages, and two weeks ago, she had a big fallout with Alex. 

The fallout with Alex came as a huge surprise to her. Never did she imagine Alex would say all the things he said to her that day at his apartment. When she stormed out of his apartment, she was trembling with anger. She expected him to run after her to apologize but he never did. That hurt her pride more than anything. She didn't hear from Alex for the next couple of days and that pissed her off even more. But she has had time to think about all the things Alex said and as much as she hated to admit it, she realized the truth in everything he said. On the third day after the fallout, Alex called her and requested a meet up. She was reluctant at first but after much persuasion from him, she agreed to meet him. They had dinner at her favourite ayam penyet restaurant where he apologized, she hesitantly accepted his apology and they talked long into the night. Even though they've patched things up between them, there was still a presence of strain and awkwardness between them. She guessed she just needed more time to slowly ease back into their relationship. 

For the past two weeks Sheila had been busy with all sorts of events, shows and public appearances. She was thankful for that as she badly needed the distraction to keep her mind off of things. Whatever free time she had, she used it to bond with her family and her girlfriends. 
Today was the first day she was free with nothing booked in her work schedule which meant she could spend the day catching up on her sleep, laze around doing nothing, or she could seize the day to do something for herself. She opted for the latter. After dropping her son at school, she drove back to her house, parked her Lexus in the driveway then walked to a nearby park where she would normally go to when she felt like hiking or when she needed some alone time to clear her head. 

Being a working day in the middle of the week, the park was not crowded with people compared to the weekends. Sheila walked unhurriedly on the well-used path, taking her time to breathe-in the fresh air and enjoy the serenity of her surrounding. As she walked, she hummed along to the music she saved on the music player on her phone and smiled at the few joggers who passed her. She made her way up a slope that leads to a clearing overlooking a large pond; a favourite spot in the park which offers a large space for many kinds of leisure activities. As she neared the pond, she saw a group of elderly people doing 'Tai chi' and she stopped to watch for awhile, marvelling at the graceful and flexible movements of the senior citizens. She then walked slowly towards an empty park bench while she did a quick scan of the area. She noticed two men fishing at the bank of the pond and a couple sitting close to each other on a nearby bench who looked so happy and so much in love. Seeing the sight of the lovebirds made her think of Noah and she let out a sigh. 

Sitting on the bench surrounded by nature, she looked up to the sky and watched the formation of clouds above. She noticed some big fluffy clouds which looked like cotton balls soaked in water; grey and heavy, a mirror of how her heart had been feeling of late. Could it be a sign, she wondered to herself, but quickly dismissed the thought. She thought about her relationship with Noah, about how they were so sure they were going to be the most talked about power couple like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt because after all, she and Noah are quite similar to them in the sense that they are also well-known public figures. They were so sure they were a match made in heaven, destined to be together. So what happened? Why is she now sitting all alone on this park bench feeling the weight of the world weighing down on her heart as she tries to understand what went wrong between them? Could they have been too confident, too cocky that they had overlooked and ignored the signs? Being realistic and honest with herself, she had to admit that their relationship had not really been all that 'perfect'. In fact, there had been more storms than clear skies between them. It had been a pretty turbulent ride all along and she figured it was due to their strong need to be the one in control, the one in charge, the one calling the shots. Two very competitive individuals determined to make their mark in the entertainment world where they both had worked very hard to get to where they are; relevant, sought after and in demand. Maybe that was the problem. In their quest to compete with the rest to be the best of the best, they had ended up competing with each other instead of cheering each other on. Once again, she let out a huge sigh. 

Pressing ‘pause’ on the music player on her phone, she reopened his conversation. The little watermark on the bottom told her what she already knew, something she wished she didn’t have to look at every few minutes. Jack Johnson wasn’t doing much in her headphones to distract her; a suggestion given by a friend to help her keep her mind occupied with happier songs. She shook her head at the irony for she used to be the friend that gave the advice before, the one all her friends came to when they were drowning in the things she thought happened only to other people. But when the wave did hit her, she found that she couldn’t swim.

She thought about the times when she and Noah used to spend their evenings during the whole ‘honeymoon phase’ of their relationship. How wonderful those times were and how much in love they were with each other. So where did it all go? She couldn’t place the blame on him for not being able to find much time for her, since they were both busy with their own careers. He was busy hosting events for the radio station as well as hosting his radio show five days a week plus club gigs three times a week, while she was busy with fashion shows, events, photoshoots and public appearances. They hardly had much free time to spend with each other until Noah made the decision to stop doing club gigs and he had also taken it a step further by calling in 'sick' more often on his radio show. Looking at it now, she realized her work schedule and Noah's were the worst combination for young romance, she thought sourly. They were the couple who fell in love so hard and so fast that the ground beneath their feet seemed to dance with them under silky moonlit skies. And like the moon, it didn’t seem to last for more than a short while before the day claimed the night again.

She scrolled up, up, and up through her text messages with Noah, trying to find her small snatches of comfort amongst the dreary, one-word replies. She didn’t want to believe a few truths her friends tried to tell her, refusing to accept that the day might have come for her to listen to her own advice. The earpiece in her right ear slid out slightly and she pushed it back in snugly, frowning at the habit as she wasn’t listening to anything anyway. Pulling down the notification bar, she pressed ‘play’, and then tapped the ‘next’ button on shuffle. She instantly wished that she didn’t.

Given the fact that nearly all the audio files on her phone were bunched up within the same collection of folders, her music player would play any and every file in that dump of data which included voice messages too. And as she listened to his sleepy voice wishing her good night, she choked back tears. This was something he’d sent nearly four months ago, just when their initial phase had ended and life had moved into the little house of love they had built out of sticks and straws. How had she not noticed they were going to be blown away come the first hurricane? How had she not known that they’d fallen so hard, so fast, they didn’t even think they needed any parachutes? 

She scoffed. How could she have known at all? His eyes were like pools of honey so dark and sweet as they drew her in and made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. How could she have known at all? He was like a curve on a mountain road that seemed to be almost welcoming, beckoning her to speed, to rush in, to break through and embrace the free fall. He was like the promise of a cloud to catch her sunlight, like the river to catch her rain, and like the bed of roses to catch her yearning heart. How could she have known at all? She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her t-shirt, angry at herself for crying over him.

When the audio came to a stop and the next song started, she went numb. She leaned back against the back of the hard, slightly warm bench and wondered if there was such a thing as trying too hard. Of course, there was. She had been the one who used to tell her friends the very thing. Out of habit and a practised hand, she unlocked the phone and reopened his conversation. It automatically scrolled all the way to the bottom, to the last three messages she had sent to him, spanning over a day. Messages he never bothered to reply. Messages that had left her hanging and wondering. She tried to pacify her heart by telling herself that he was busy but she knew she could not accept that excuse even if it was the truth. The little watermark on the bottom of the screen seemed to mock her misery but she held her pain in check. She was numb. Numb to the fact that she felt maybe she wasn’t worth as much to him as she once thought. She grew angrier at him, angrier at herself for being so susceptible to the pain, and that was when the rain began.

At first, it was a slight pitter-patter, not enough for her to notice or care. The clouds crept up from behind her, riding the winds that were too high in the sky for her to feel. The sun had taken refuge behind the thick grey clouds so no shadows foretold what was going to happen. Sheila was far too distracted by her inner turmoil she hadn’t smelt the static charge in the air, but as soon as the first lightning baptised the sky, she nearly jumped out of her seat. She was ten minutes away from home so she knew if the rain poured, she would be completely drenched, soaked to the bone. Thinking fast, she reached into her small backpack and found a plastic bag. Within seconds, she dropped her phone, earphones, and wallet in the plastic bag, tied it tight and stuffed the securely tied plastic bag back into her backpack. At least she wouldn’t have to deal with a broken phone, heaven forbid.

She walked carefully down the main, dusty road that was slowly turning muddy, having given in to the fact that walking fast won’t keep her any drier. Her hair was stuck to her face and neck uncomfortably, her leggings covered in splashing mud while her T-shirt was soaked and darkened, sticking to her skin, making her feel self-conscious. She laughed at her misery, letting her tears mix with the rain drops that streamed down her face in rivulets. How could she have known he might have fallen out of love as quickly as he had fallen in?

By the time Sheila reached home, she had shrugged off her thoughts like a blanket of cold rain she had been wearing for the past few weeks. It was funny how the real thing seemed to wash off the metaphor, she thought as she wiped her muddy feet on the doormat until she was satisfied her sneakers were clean. By the time she had thrown her wet clothes onto the floor, stepped into the shower and turned the heater on, she accepted the facts of the matter. No, she couldn’t have known how the rain may fall, or how the wave would slam into the breakwater of her heart. Now that she was vulnerable, she knew the only person who could build her back was herself.

Later, lying in bed under the warm blankets while praying the flu didn’t notice her, she sighed. The only way through the pain was to accept that some things do turn out the way she hoped they wouldn’t. Sure, her sleep might be bumpy with bad dreams again, but she knew better now. She knew she was going to try her hardest to feel better again.

..... 


The sound of her phone beeping on the nightstand woke her. In reflex, Sheila reached to the side of her bed to retrieve her phone. Blinking her eyes, she saw the notification on her screen, several new WhatsApp messages had come in. She looked at the time on her phone and realized she had dozed off. It was now three o'clock in the afternoon which means she must have dozed off after her shower. She put her phone next to her on the bed to stretch herself, cringing at the sound her body creaked in protest. She felt tired and sore, blaming it on the hectic schedule she has had for the past couple of weeks. Her bed felt warm and cosy, a contrast to the temperature of her room that was dominantly controlled by the air-conditioner.  Feeling a slight chill, she grabbed her favourite pillow and snuggled comfortably under her comforter. She tried to listen to sounds of life but the house seemed quiet, which could only mean her son and her mother were not back from school yet. Taking full advantage of the stillness of the house, she did another long stretch then settled back in a comfortable position in bed. She was in no hurry to get up.

As she lay in bed, her thoughts wandered to Noah. Always Noah. She wondered what he was doing, where he was at that moment, if he was thinking of her, and she wondered if he had missed her the way she had missed him. The last thought produced a lump in her throat which she was pretty sure was the size of a tennis ball. Almost immediately, she began to feel the sting of warm tears welling in her eyes. She blinked hard, refusing to allow them to escape the confinements and she mentally scolded herself for thinking about Noah. She groped for her phone to read the new unread messages, hoping they will distract her mind from thinking about him.

She clicked open her WhatsApp messages and saw  five new ones. She scrolled through them to see who they were from and when she reached the last one her heart skipped. It was from Noah. She quickly opened the conversation to read. 

"Hey", are you free later?" said the message. 

Sheila couldn't contain her excitement. She propped up her pillows against the headboard of the bed and leaned against them. Her thumbs moved like lightning as she typed her reply, breaking it into three parts. 

"Hey" she typed her first reply. 
"I am free today" was her second reply. 
"What do you have in mind?" was her third.

With phone held firmly in her hands, she leaned back, not taking her eyes off the screen with her heart beating hard in anticipation. Two minutes later her phone beeped. Incoming message. It was from Noah. 

"Can we meet later?" it said. 

Sheila almost jumped out of her bed. If she could have her way, she would want to meet him right that very moment but she held herself back and played it cool. 

"Sure" she typed. "When and where?"

The reply came almost instantly. "8:00pm your place."

Sheila smiled to herself and replied, "Sounds good."

She kept staring at her phone, willing it to bring her more words from Noah but nothing happened. In her excitement of receiving word from him, she had completely left the other four messages unread. It didn't matter to her, they were not important. What mattered was the fact that Noah had reached out. She checked the time on her phone again; almost 3:30pm. Four and a half hours more to go before she sees him. She couldn't wait. As she leaned against the mountain of pillows, her mind began to drift. Different scenarios appeared in her head, all of them were pictures of two blissful lovers reuniting after a long hiatus. She imagined Noah holding her tight in his arms, showering her with kisses as he apologize to her for putting her through so much distress. The thought made her smile. She was confident that Noah would tell her that after being away from her for so long he had finally come to realize that he simply couldn't live without her. She smiled again. Then she began to think about how she was going to play it when the time comes; should she make him sweat a little longer by playing hard-to-get, or should she put him out of his misery by being accommodating? She would have to think about that as the time draws nearer. For now, she is going to lay back and bask in her victory.

..... 


Noah turned off the Wi-Fi connection on his phone after sending his last WhatsApp message to Sheila. There, it was done, no turning back now. Come eight o'clock, he would be face-to-face with Sheila and he would tell her everything he wanted to say to her.

After taking action in suggesting a face to face meet with Sheila, Noah put his phone aside, went into the kitchen and made a cup of coffee for himself. He grabbed a jar of chocolate chip cookies which he bought from a bakery near his apartment the day before and carried his mug and jar to the living room of his apartment. He set them on the coffee table in front of his couch and withdrew the curtains of the French window overlooking the city skyline. He stood in front of the window to admire the view for a moment, noticing some dark clouds in the sky he prayed that rain wouldn't come to spoil his plans for later that night. To ease his mind, he plugged in his flash drive to his laptop and pressed play on his personal selection of jazz tunes before he made himself comfortable on his couch. With the tunes on, he thought about his relationship with Sheila and thought about how and where it had gone wrong. He thought about an apology he had waited for days and months, the apology that never came. Sheila had said she was sorry, yes, in fact, she had said it multiple times. Once, over dinner when she tried to win him back over a year ago, and once over the phone when she broke down in tears six months ago, also when she tried to win him back.

"Sorry." 

That was all she said. But to him, that wasn't an apology and it will never be. 

He was not a petty or mean person who was out seeking any sort of revenge but the truth is, Sheila didn't know what she was apologizing for. To him, Sheila saying sorry was more hurtful than her not apologizing at all because it was what she thought he wanted to hear, what she thought he was waiting to hear to make him run back to her. But that wasn't what he wanted to hear from her, and he never wanted her to break down. Yes, he wanted her to try and win him back for a change but he was never going to concede her efforts. If she knew what she needed to apologize for, then maybe, just maybe, he would have given her some credit and maybe, just maybe, he would believe that she was able to truly understand the hurt he endured. But even after all this time, he knew Sheila still couldn't pinpoint the exact things that led him out of her life.

What exactly was her "sorry" for, he wondered. Was it for the time where he went through a whole dinner with her while she spoke of her first boyfriend like it was the only highlight of her life? Like he would never measure up to him? Or was it for the times she had given him the silent treatment for no rhyme or reason? The silent treatments where she wore a blank face, making him feel he had done something to upset her but he never knew what was on her mind? Or was it for the time she spent days without reaching out when she fled the scene on a whim during her many temper tantrum episodes? No, he was sure it was none of those. He felt the "sorry" might have been for all the times she avoided talking about making a commitment to him because she would never commit to something she knew was temporary but she wasn't brave or honest enough to say so to his face. 

There were times where he thought the "sorry" must have been for the times she disrespected him in front of her friends, but on second thought, no, she had always denied ever doing that to him. Maybe the "sorry" was for the manipulation? The toxicity? Sheila never mentioned what her "sorry" was for. So, he had to convince himself she at least had the slightest idea what she wanted to apologize for just so he could turn that page once and for all. So, he waited. Past tense. 

But now the wait was over. He doesn't need an apology from her anymore because his yesterdays were all hers and he had even fought for his todays at times from being hers. But not his tomorrows. His tomorrows are all his. He doesn't need an apology from her anymore because it was too late for her to apologize. Besides, she can't apologize for something she intentionally did over and over again. She can't apologize after being given multiple chances to change herself, her attitude and her behaviour. She can't apologize for being lousy at making someone feel special. She can't apologize for not trying when she needed to. But these aren't the only reasons. He doesn't need an apology from her anymore because he had already apologized to himself for choosing her over himself. He had already apologized to himself for not walking away sooner. And today, after months of thinking things through, he praised himself for finally coming to his senses. Yet still, he had to see Sheila face to face and have the talk they have been avoiding for so long. As much as he wanted to think the worst of her, it was in his nature to be fair. He would give Sheila a chance to speak and he would be willing to hear whatever she has to say. 

..... 


Ever since she and Noah exchanged words that late afternoon, Sheila began to feel out of sorts again. However, the feeling was different from the way she felt when she woke up this morning. This morning she felt low and weighed down but right now, she feels high and giddy with excitement, and she couldn't stop smiling. She was in a much better mood this afternoon to the point where she was extra chirpy and chatty when her mother and son came home. 

"What's up with you?" her mother asked, eyeing her suspiciously as she volunteered to make her mother a pot of tea.  Sheila just smiled. She didn't want to get into all the details with her mother as she did not want to be at the receiving end of another one of her mother's long lectures. Her body felt light and she felt like as if she had floated her way into the kitchen. As she poured the boiling water into the pot of Earl Grey, she hummed to herself. She then arranged a plate of Danish butter cookies using her mother's china. She took out matching teacup and saucer from the kitchen cabinet, added a teaspoon and placed them on a silver tray along with the pot of tea. Still humming, she took the tray out to her mother in the living room.

She glanced at the clock on the mantle. 4:30pm. Why does time move so slow when she's feeling anxious, she wondered to herself. She tried to take her mind off of the time by asking her son about his day in school. While her son rattled away on what he did or what happened in school, Sheila sat there grinning and nodding her head when in actual fact she hadn't heard a word of what he said. Her mind was in another zone of a different timeframe. In her head, she had fast-forward time. In her head, she was in Noah's arms.

Sheila's odd behaviour had not gone unnoticed by her mother's sharp eyes. She watched her daughter's demeanour; over-smiling, fidgety, anxious, and the fact that Sheila kept glancing at the clock told her that something was up with her. She didn't want to pry so she said nothing. She was curious and suspicious, but she held her tongue. 

At 5:30pm, Sheila rushed up to her room. She locked her bedroom door and began going through the clothes in her closet. Noah said that he would meet her here but he did not say if they were going anywhere so what should she wear, she wondered as she pulled out blouses, t-shirts, jeans and leggings. Before long, there was a mountain of clothes piled on top of her bed. She began to sort through the pile, matching this T-shirt with that legging, this blouse with that jeans, and finally, after checking the time once again, she settled on a black and blue checked shirt with a pair of black leggings. Happy with her selection, she grabbed her towel and dashed into the bathroom. She did a quick mental calculation and felt with two and a half hours to play with, she should have enough time to rewash her hair, blow dry it, apply make up, and be ready in time for Noah's arrival at eight. 

6:00pm, Sheila emerged from the bathroom in a bathrobe with her wet hair wrapped in a towel in turban-like style. She slipped on her undies then sat in front of her dresser to towel-dry her hair before blow-drying it. She had coloured her hair blue for the Sing-Off Vaganza competition, an attempt at making herself stand out. Now after many rounds of hair wash, the colour had faded and as a result, her crowing glory is a dull shade of green which was not appealing at all in any way. She wished she had known sooner that she was going to see Noah for she would have definitely gone to her hairdresser to get her hair fixed, but because this was an unplanned 'date' at the last minute, she would just have to make do with her green hair. 

At 7:00pm, after she was done styling her hair, she started putting on her face with the usual routine of toner and moisturiser, followed by make up base and foundation. As she was applying the eyeliner, she began to feel nervous. Noah sounded very vague in his text, stated that he was coming over to meet her without giving away any hint of why. For someone who had completely cut off all contacts and had shown zero traces of his existence for the past few months, this sudden request to meet made her anxious. She was pretty sure Noah was coming to talk to her but about what? All kinds of thoughts ran through her head making her even more nervous. Finally, she took a deep breath, willed herself to calm down and not be overly paranoid. 

Once she got a grip on her nerves, she turned her thoughts towards a more real possibility of what Noah would want to talk about - the future of their relationship. The thought immediately made her smile. Honestly, Noah is everything she has ever wanted. She knows that and she gets why too. The way he talks to her on end about stuff that really matters, sacrificing his sleep for her at three in the morning when she had trouble sleeping, the way he knows exactly what to say to turn her heart into a bass drum that doesn't know how to stop pounding, the way he is always there whenever she needs him, the way he cares for her in ways no one else has ever before.... she knows that he is all that she ever wanted for so long. She made up her mind on him long ago. Yet, she still can't seem to make up her mind about him. 

Sheila knows in her heart that she cares for him. In fact, she has told him so. She doesn't think that what she has with Noah is casual or unimportant because she would rather talk to him than anyone else, spend time with him than anyone else, and also because every moment they spent together felt as natural as anything she has ever known. Yet, she can't seem to decide whether the two of them should fully go for it, to try out this love in a real way. 

She paused for a moment from putting on her mascara to look at her reflection in the mirror. "Why do you hesitate, Sheila?" she asked her reflection. "Because the timing is off and I am not ready to make a commitment," she said quietly and sighed. She doesn't want to ruin what they already have so she is always quick to find reasons to stall, but slow to truly entertain the possibility of the two of them becoming something real. And for so long, Noah held on. She knew he had given her time and space because he didn't want to rush her or come off as clingy or demanding. She sighed again. "Am I being fair to him? Is it fair to make him wait for something I haven't even given any real thought?" She knew the answers and they didn't sit well with her. Noah deserves more than someone who can't make up her mind about him. It is one thing to give her time and space to work out a decision, yet if time after time she finds yet another reason to place him on the back burner, then why should he keep holding on to her especially when she views him more as a choice she can't make than someone she can't imagine not being with? 

The thought made her ponder as she picked up her mascara and carefully applied the wet wand on her lashes. A voice inside her screamed, "Noah deserves someone who chooses him, and continues to choose him! Someone who understands that he adds value to their life, and not simply another commitment to juggle." Her hand shook at the echo of the voice inside her. She understands that time is important and that it is also short and fleeting and she should be making the most of it by taking the chance she has with Noah right now. She knows they both have things to work through but they should be doing that as a couple, not with her pushing him away until she feels 100% ready because truthfully, she is not sure if she will ever be ready. 

7:45pm, Sheila finished putting on the rest of the make up; a tint of blusher to highlight her cheekbones, a brush of colour to perfect the arch of her eyebrows, and for the final touch, she smeared on her bright red lipstick to contrast her pale white skin. As she gave her hair a final brush, she made a firm decision that tonight she will tell Noah the one thing he has been dying to hear from her. Tonight she will tell him that she is ready to fully commit herself to him. Yes, tonight is the night. She will give Noah the one thing he has been waiting and asking for. Tonight she will tell him that she chooses him. 

..... 


It was 7:45pm when Noah arrived at Sheila's neighbourhood and with fifteen minutes to spare, he decided to ride up a nearby hill overlooking the highway to prepare himself for what he believed would be an intense situation later. He parked his bike by the side of the road and walked to the railing to have a smoke in an attempt to relax his mind. It worked like a charm. He took his time, enjoying his smoke while he admired the view down below of cars moving on the sprawling highway with tail lights which appeared like twinkling stars in his mind's eye. After he finished smoking, he got on his bike and made his way downhill toward's Sheila's house. As he neared the bend to her house, he killed the engine of his bike, let the machine glide all the way there and parked his bike further down on the opposite side of the road. He then took out his phone to check the time. 8:00pm. He was on time. He sent Sheila a quick message to  let her know he was outside. 

Sheila was just about to leave her room when her phone beeped. She quickly checked it and saw Noah's message which simply read: Outside. She smiled as she felt flutters of butterflies in her stomach. With a quick last look in the mirror to make sure everything was perfect, she squirted some perfume behind her earlobes, on her neck and on her wrists. Satisfied with the way she looked, she made her way downstairs. 

"Are you going out?" her mother asked from the sofa in the living room. 

Sheila was startled as she did not notice her mother sitting there in the dark. She quickly flipped on the light switch and mumbled. "Yes, err.... no, I'm not sure," she said vaguely as she opened the front door to let herself out. She slipped into a pair of white sneakers then walked swiftly towards the gate of her house. When she opened the gate, her heart skipped at the sight of Noah looking all tall and handsome in a white T-shirt and faded blue jeans. She opened the gate wider and gave him her biggest smile and invited him in. Noah smiled back at her and walked past her into the compound of her house without stopping to give her his usual hug. Sheila thought that was very odd and she was a tad disappointed but she let it slide as she didn't want to make a big deal out of it. She quickly closed the gate then linked her arm with Noah's, pulling him towards the house. 

"Let's just sit outside in the garden," Noah suggested. "It's a pretty warm night so I don't feel like being indoors."

Sheila agreed. At that point, the way she was feeling at that moment, the excitement and joy of having Noah there with her, she would be willing to go to the ends of the earth with him if that was what he wanted. 

They sat at the garden table by the side of the house, next to Sheila's mother's rose plant, facing each other. Sheila wasted no time telling him about all the things she had been doing including the Sing-Off Vaganza competition, and she went on and on talking about herself without once asking him how he was doing. Noah listened to her chatter, smiled and nodded in parts which he felt required such reactions from him but after listening to Sheila go on about her many adventures, he cut her off and said, "Sheila, we need to talk."

The serious tone of Noah's voice made Sheila nervous but she tried to cover it up. "Sure," she said lightly, "what's on your mind?"

Noah suddenly felt nervous because he wasn't sure how to begin to broach the subject. To stall time, he lit a cigarette, slowly inhaled the smoke, taking his time to work out the words in his mind to start the ball rolling. Sheila eyed him suspiciously. Noah seemed different somehow. Aloof is the word she would describe Noah's demeanour. That made her even more nervous. All the plan she had about telling him that she's finally made up her mind about them, about her choosing him, she decided to hold on to those thoughts for the time being because she wanted to hear what Noah wanted to talk about. The suspense of waiting was killing her inside but she didn't want to rush him so she waited patiently. 

Noah's head was spinning. He was still trying to think of the best way to broach the subject but his brain was failing him. Finally, he decided to get straight to the point without beating around the bush or finding ways to sugarcoat his words to cushion her feelings.

"You know, there was a point in time where I honestly believed I would never love again for the rest of my life," Noah said quietly as he watched the smoke from his burning cigarette swirl up in the windless night air. "Perhaps it sounds over dramatic but anyone who has suffered heartbreak in the hands of someone they loved with everything they had, might be able to relate. It feels like I had used up all the love I believed I possessed in my whole body, poured myself out and left nothing to spare but in the end I was left empty. Like all that love was taken from me. How could anyone possibly recover from that? How could anyone ever love again after that?"

What exactly was Noah getting at, Sheila wondered. Was that a real question? Was he directing those question to her specifically? She felt a stirring in her stomach. Was it guilt that she was feeling? She wasn't sure so she remained silent to hear what else he had to say. 

"I tried to pretend like you didn't have an effect on me," Noah continued, "but it was impossible. The imprint of our relationship followed me wherever I go." He paused to light another cigarette, a habit he knew Sheila detests, but at that point he didn't care. As he exhaled the smoke out of his lungs, he looked at Sheila who was sitting as quiet as a mouse in front of him. "Tell me Sheila, do you think it's fair that I keep myself contained because I fear that someone else will hurt me the way you did?" 

He waited to hear her response or see some kind of reaction from her but she remained silent and blank-faced and so he continued. "I have always felt that love is one of the best things life has to offer, and to miss out on it just because things didn't work out between us? No, it's not acceptable to me. Loving you changed and scarred me, Sheila, but it's not going to stop me from loving someone else just as fully as I once did with you."

This was not what Sheila expected at all. Her heart began to hammer in her chest as panic showed its face. "Is there someone else, Noah? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" she asked, breaking her silence in a quivering voice.

Noah took his time to answer and even when he did, he skirted around her question. He was still undecided whether to tell her the truth and whether she deserved to know the truth. 

"You made me put my guard up. You made me doubt and question people. You made me build walls that shouldn't even be erected. In more ways than you can possibly know, you had made me your prisoner, Sheila. Is that fair?"

Sheila did not reply. She looked away from Noah as she tried to hide the smile from her face, the smile of victory and triumphant. She smiled because Noah had addressed himself as her prisoner, which meant he was acknowledging the fact that she's got him wrapped around her little finger. He was powerless when it comes to her, she was confident of that. 

Seeing that he wasn't going to get a response from her, Noah continued talking. "You know, it became hard for me to open up to others because at the back of my mind I'm always wondering if someone really wants to get to know me or if they only want to know what could break me. I trusted you, Sheila, I let my guard down with you and allowed you to see parts of me that I have kept carefully hidden for so long and what did you do? You used them to hurt me, to break and cripple me. You almost ruined me, Sheila, almost. You made me view others in a bad light, in your light, but then I realized that not everyone is like you."

Sheila felt like she was being attacked with words that hit her raw nerve. Words which she found hard to stomach, yet words that rang true. She shifted her eyes to avoid eye contact with Noah as she didn't want him to see the guilt which she knew was evident in her eyes. 

"I truly loved you, Sheila. I spent every ounce of love I had on you but in return, I walked away empty," Noah said in a voice that was thick with regret that was laced with pain. "You knew how to take and take but never to give. You exhausted me with your endless demands and drained me dry. I expressed my love loudly with you, declared my adoration for you all over the place, wanting the world to know how I felt for you but I was met with lukewarm reciprocation. It hurts, Sheila, do you know that?"

Sheila felt heat rising to her face. She tried to speak, tried to defend herself, but somehow her brain wouldn't work and her tongue refused to cooperate. Her ego convinced her that Noah was being overly emotional and that she shouldn't entertain his attempt at making her feel guilty. Still, she couldn't ignore the churn in her stomach. But due to her stubborn and egoistic nature, she remained stoic. Noah waited for Sheila to say something. He expected her to lash out and throw her usual temper tantrum, crucify him with her laser tongue spitting venomous words in his face, but she wasn't showing any kind of reaction. No anger, no sadness, no remorse, nothing. He sighed in resignation. He realized then that Sheila had not changed and he knew he was right to do what he came to do.

"You could have left without completely screwing me over, Sheila. You could have walked away long ago without leaving such a lasting damage. I would have let you go. I wouldn't have stopped you, in fact, I wouldn't have blamed you for leaving. But no, you chose to toy with my emotions, you chose to string me along and lead me on. So now I'm blaming you for the destruction you left in your trail." 

Sheila shot an angry look at Noah as she opened her mouth to speak. But before she could say anything, he continued. "You could have been mature, Sheila, you could have talked things over with me rather than throw your usual temper tantrum when you don't get your way. We could have talked, have an open conversation with each other like adults, be honest with each other, list out the mistakes we each had made, own up to them and work through them together. I was willing to do that with you, Sheila, I was willing to hear you out but you wanted none of that. You wanted to stay on your high horse and shred me to pieces. You could have listed out your reasons for the mistakes you made, for your actions, your behaviour, and I would have listened. I might have argued with you, I might have contradicted you, I might have even brought you down a peg or two, but I would have listened."

Noah stopped talking to allow Sheila the chance to defend herself or to contradict everything he just said but she remained rigid and emotionless. Frustrated, he lit himself another cigarette and smoked for awhile, letting the silence envelope them. He was still hoping for Sheila to say something, anything, but he sensed his hope was in vain. Determined to get everything out of his system, he broke the silence. 

"Sheila," he said, in a tone that was soft but clear. "I wanted us to part ways peacefully, but you took that opportunity away from me. I have saved screenshot texts of the nasty things you said to me. I have unavoidable memories of the fights, the screams, the insane accusations embedded in my brain and untold stories too painful to bear. You made things a million times harder than it needed to be. You turned a storm into a fricking hurricane, Sheila!"

"Wow! I'm that powerful, huh?" Sheila said sarcastically. Her ears burned with everything Noah had said, temperature rose in her body causing her face to flush in anger. How dare he! How dare he say all these things to her. Despite her building anger, she controlled herself not to lose it. It was hard, but she was determined to let him have his say because she truly believed that after he has blown off his steam, everything will be back to normal and he would return to being the loving, docile man she had trained him to be. So for now, she will let him have his moment.

"Powerful?" Noah scoffed. "I might not be able to escape the memories of the pain you caused me so yeah, maybe you are powerful in that sense. But then, I was able to escape from you. Our last break up had given me time to think. It had given me time to really look at what we had for what it really was. It had made me see you through honest eyes not blinded by stars and it made me realize how blind I had been. And now that you are out of my life, I'm telling you this; you are never wriggling your way back in because I won't let you."

Yeah right, Sheila thought to herself as she rolled her eyes, dismissing Noah's statement as nothing more than a frustrated man blowing off steam. There is no way in hell Noah could ever live without her, she told herself confidently. Noah noticed the smirk and the rolling of eyes even though Sheila tried to hide them. It saddened him because he felt that Sheila wasn't taking any of this seriously. He felt the need to make her understand how serious this was to him, how much damage she had caused with her reckless and selfish behaviour. It may be too late for things to change between them but he was hoping that by bringing this out in the open Sheila would take a much closer look at herself and acknowledge the fact that she has issues. He was also hoping that after this she would change for the better so that she could find true happiness in the future. 

"You know how hard I am on myself, Sheila, how I constantly tear myself to pieces, how I consider myself a fuck up, how insecure I am really, you know all that about me. You belittling me, putting me down in front of your friends and making me feel small every chance you get, that did not help me at all with my insecurities. Yet, like a fool, I took it even though it killed me. No matter how little you think of me, Sheila, I did not deserve the heartbreak you brought me. You shouldn't have behaved like such a bitch, Sheila, you had no right to treat me the way you did." Noah's voice trembled with emotions he tried hard to control. He stopped talking to compose himself and also to give room for Sheila to speak, but she remained stiff as a statue. Noah shook his head in disbelief. 

"Tell me, are you happy now?" he pressed. "Do you feel victorious?" he added in an attempt to rile her. He waited for a response from her. Nothing. He was beginning to lose his cool. He could feel his temper flaring but he controlled his urge to yell at her. Instead, in an even voice he said, "Knowing you, you're still blaming the rest of the world for whatever it is in that twisted mind of yours. You're never wrong, right Sheila? Never at fault. It is always someone else, never you. You still play the victim, the helpless damsel in distress, still twisting the narrative to make it seem like you were the one who was wronged, the one who got your heart stomped on, the one who doesn't deserve the pain keeping you awake at night. No? Still no response?"

Sheila shifted her position on the hard wooden chair. She couldn't bear to look at Noah at that moment because she knew if she did, she was afraid she would break into tears and she wouldn't want him to see her cry. So she turned her back to him and trained her eyes to focus on her mother's rose plant, blinking back tears that were threatening to fall. Seeing Sheila turn her back to him saddened Noah even more. She had barely said two words to him from the time he brought up this matter. But he felt the need to say it all, to make it very clear to her where he was really coming from so that there would be no misunderstanding or miscommunication in the future.

"Sheila," he said patiently, "you need help."

"I need help?" Sheila retorted as she turned around to face Noah. "That's a laugh! From where I'm sitting, it appears that you are the one who needs help, acting overly emotional and all."

Noah smirked. "You think so, huh?"

"Yes!" Sheila hissed, her eyes blazing with fury. 

At that moment Noah couldn't help feeling sorry for her but he quickly reminded himself that it is no longer his job to rescue her and that she is no longer his problem. 

"Sheila, you might be able to fool whatever friends you have left, your string of male admirers and your fans, but you are not going to convince me that you are the angel that you try to portray to the world. What you did to me was not okay, Sheila, what you put me through was not okay. It was not right. It was not normal behaviour. It was not warranted and it sure as hell was not healthy." Noah said as he reached for his pack of smokes, lit one and blew out the smoke in exasperation. "The trauma you forced me to endure changed me. It made me stronger in a weird way. But that was not before I felt weak and broken," he said, flicking the ash  from his cigarette before taking a long drag. "You took so much away from me, Sheila," he continued, "you took my dignity, my self-esteem, you even took the ability to trust away from me. You forced me to raise my guard, to question myself. You nudged me to believe a version of myself I am not comfortable seeing, a version of me which you had created in your head and tried to plant in mine. No thanks to you, relationships are going to be difficult for me in the future because of what you put me through and everything else I have been through in the past. But mark my words, Sheila, know that I am going to get past this." 

Noah took the final two drags of his cigarette before stubbing it in the ashtray on the wooden garden table. He then stood up, pocketed his lighter, pack of cigarettes and his phone and said evenly, "I am not going to let you win, Sheila. I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of seeing me turn out as miserable as you. I have someone in my life, someone who is worthy and deserving of my love, and I am going to be happy, Sheila, you can count on that. I am going to thrive without you. I am going to find the happiness you kept me away from for such a long time. You can try all you want to convince me to come back to you, but it won't work this time because I'll be busy building a new life with someone else. I will burn every bridge that has your name on it and I will watch the flames kiss the wood to the ground so I never have to cross the river back to you. You took my love for granted and you took me for granted so now I am taking everything inside of me and I'm walking away for good. Goodbye, Sheila."

With those final two words said out loud, Noah turned and walked away without looking back. In a way, he felt bad for being hard on Sheila but he knew it had to be done. Sheila might hate him after tonight and that was something he felt he could live with for deep down his intention wasn't to hurt her but to help her as well as to help himself. He realized that what he had with Sheila was not a healthy relationship and even though he had tried his best to turn it around, it just wasn't working. For them to continue to hold on to each other for whatever selfish reasons they each may have was wrong in every way. Being the man, he felt it was his responsibility to take the necessary steps to do what needed to be done. His emotions were all over the place as he walked towards his motorcycle that was parked by the roadside outside Sheila's house. Without wasting time, he put on his full face helmet, started his bike and sped off into the night.

..... 


Sheila couldn't believe what just happened. She was in shock. She wanted so bad to run after Noah and beg him to give her another chance but her pride stopped her from doing such thing. She felt hurt, so deeply wounded to the point where she was numb inside. She continued to sit in the garden chair with her eyes fixed to the gate hoping that Noah would change his mind about leaving and he would come back to her, take her in his arms and tell her that everything will be alright. But when she heard the sound of his bike speeding off, she knew it was over. All her hopes were dashed and she began to tremble uncontrollably. She waited a few moments to compose herself before going inside her house as she didn't want anyone to see her in the state she was in; shaken, hurt and broken. When she finally went inside, she crept in as quietly as she could, hoping that her mother had already gone to bed. She was in luck. She locked the front door, turned off the lights and slowly made her way up to her room. She quietly locked her bedroom door and went straight to her bed without bothering to turn on the light. She needed to process. She needed to think. 

Sheila was completely shocked by Noah's rejection. She was so used to him being nice, so used to him saying yes to everything she asked for, that she had not seen this coming. She thought she could simply go away, have her fun and come back, and he would still be right there where she left him, with his heart still full of love for her, relieved that she had finally come back to him. It never occurred to her for one second that a love as special as his, as giving, would be just what someone else wanted and more so, appreciated. It never hit her that what he was giving her was precious because she just never saw it that way. She took him for granted and the truth is, her actions and behaviour told him everything that he needed to hear to make the decision he had made. Sheila came to the conclusion that in the terrible silence that followed his heartbreak, Noah had learned something important about himself, which was evident in the little speech he gave her tonight. 

He told her that he deserved his own love much more than she ever could deserve it. He said he was able to pick up the pieces of his heart which she had scattered so carelessly each time she left him on a whim, and build it into something beautiful and new. He said his beautiful new heart will not look for love in the same place where it had lost it, for his heart now beats for himself and for someone else. Hearing that blunt statement from him felt like a slap to her face and she was too dumbfounded to say anything. All she could do at that time was sit still like a statue while she tried to control herself from breaking down in front of him. It was pure torture for her to hear him say that his love has grown deeper, purer, more mature and more resilient, and that he had figured out that the most powerful thing he can do is to give that love to himself and to someone more deserving. 

"You can try all you want to convince me to come back to you, Sheila, but it won't work this time because I'll be busy building a new life with someone else. I will burn every bridge that has your name on it and I will watch the flames kiss the wood to the ground so I never have to cross the river back to you. You took my love for granted and you took me for granted so now I am taking everything inside of me and I'm walking away for good." Noah's words echoed loud in her ears like a church bell on Sunday morning. 

"Oh my God! What have I done?" she asked herself, knowing full well she had messed up big time. 

Alone in the darkness of her room, still clad in her black and blue checked shirt and black leggings, with black mascara smearing unruly patterns all over her cheeks, she felt the shattering of her heart, the painful stabs from the tiny shards of the million pieces of her broken heart and she finally understood how Noah felt when she did the same to him over and over again. She turned herself over, buried her face in her pillow and she wailed like she had never wailed before. 

..... 


Noah sped away like as though he had the devil on his tail. He wanted to get out of Sheila's neighbourhood as quickly as he could and felt such a relief when he was out on the highway. Only then did he slow down his bike to a steady pace as he cruised along the highway in a daze. He had not make  specific plans where he would go after his little showdown with Sheila so he just rode his machine through instincts, letting his bike lead the way. As he rode, his mind wandered free. It felt different this time for him. It felt like the last time, only different. It's not like the other times where he took his word back after spitting them out and stuck around. It's not like all the other times where he said he'd leave but he knew he'd always come back and stay. It's not like all the other times where his heart still had more to give and more chances to dole out to her,  no. It's for real this time. 

In his daze, he suddenly became aware of where he had landed; a place that was very familiar to him. He stopped in front of the building, taking one last look at their favourite restaurant where they had shared many meals together. A few doors down was the bar where he had spent many nights drinking to drown his sorrow. As if on reflex, he rode to his favourite hideaway, taking one last look at the place that held many of his secrets and for one last time, he wiped away his tears. He was taking it all in so he can release it all out. Here, at that moment, he was saying one final goodbye because he knew this time there was no looking back. 

He would learn how to live without Sheila again. He doesn't know if he would miss her and he doesn't know if he would miss the love they once shared, but he knew in that moment that he missed himself more. He had locked the real him inside for so long because he was forced to become someone else to make her happy. And now, he was finally done with it all. 

"I'm finding myself this time. I'm choosing myself over her. It's all good," he whispered to himself in reassurance. 

Noah, like everybody else, doesn't always understand the workings of the universe but at that moment, he knew in his heart that the universe had his back for it had been giving him all the signs he needed to move forward. He felt in his gut that the universe was telling him that this was the end of his story with Sheila, the end of their time together. There was no more room for her in his heart or space, no more room for her in his life or in his circle. It really felt different this time for Noah when he found himself standing still at the place where it all started and he didn't feel a thing. Like it was all just a bad dream and now the nightmare is finally over. He watched the people around him, scampering around like he once did; trying to find themselves or find someone to love, and he remembered that not too long ago, that was him. Not too long ago, he thought Sheila was the answer but now he knows that the real answer had always been with him. Noah stood still and smiled to himself because he knew this would be the last time he would be here drenched in memories of loneliness, anxiety and fear, and he knew this would be the last time he would think of Sheila. He smiled because he knew that from this moment on, Sheila will no longer be dictating his future for him. She will no longer be telling him how he should live his life. His life is all his now. He smiled again. It may have taken him a long time to realize things, it may have taken a long time for him to get real with himself, it may have taken a long time for him to find his way, but it's all clear now. He had finally found his way. He was no longer lost. He was finally going back home where he belonged. His only hope is that he isn't too late.