Category : Diary/Journal
Sub Category : N/A
I am writing this to share my meth story.
I started snorting meth december of 2017. It was a journey to say the least. I journy ive recently decided i really want to come to an end.
I used alone most of the time if not all of the time. I would drive and drive until i got bored of driving. I would occasionally sing sad songs during these trips. I started to hear voices over the last few weeks and it got scary at times but slowly became fun when i heard a voice say " ya but he can sing though"
From there on i continued to sing more and more until i developed a fantasy in my head that if i got better id be on tv and all the singing wouldve been heard by the viewers of whatever addiction television show i was on.
I searched for clues on who the voices may be thinking they were more than my imagination. Time and time again id say if i just get help ill find out and my television show will still air because i went to treatment. I dont want to fuck up my chances of being famous. But i dont care about the fame anymore i really just want to know whose behind the curtains. Its something that eats my alive and thrives me to use so i can keep them around until i find out. Ive asked my family if they knew anything and keep getting the crazy eyes. Like i am extremely messed up in my mind but my gut is saying i am not and i hate that its saying that because i rather find out than get better. I really am scared of this. The voices say to not write this and idk if that is the drug covering up my addiction. Or if someone is behind the scenes talking to me through my speakers in my car. I really want to feel happy again and meth just doesnt allow that. But i want to know so god damn bad! Its the only thing i want to know at this point. The voices tell me that i am a loser and iv been. They tell me i need help and i realize that too. So i am going to rehab because I feel it will help me find out whose behind the scenes and allow me to be happy again including sobriety. I dont know if after rehab i will still want to chase them but i wont hear them... so i doubt ill even be that interested... they did get me to practice singing everyday and honestly always wanted to know if i was a good singer but i was always to scared to sing in front of anyone. I guess thats me just keeping the dream i was living in alive. But even if i got just one more suddle hint id be content with it. Im already going to inpatient just in case voices are not what im chasing and addiction leaves me no choice. Its a double edge sword i guess. Ill learn how to fight the addiction but not the other battle I am facing of not knowing.