Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I used to believe everything people told me; especially about themselves. Naive, huh? Well, that was me. I never thought anyone would lie about who they are or pretend to be someone they are not or wear masks and play roles. I mean, why would anyone even want to do that, right?

I used to believe my intuition, my judgment, my gut, when it comes to analyzing people's character and I still do. I try to see the best in people even when they paint me a not so very pretty picture. 

But now it’s hard for me to simply let people in because I’ve met people who said they loved me, people who said they cared, people who vowed never to break my heart but then changed their minds overnight. They disappear, they give me the cold shoulder, the silent treatment and it left me a little unsettled. A little less hopeful. A little less optimistic and a lot more guarded.

Now it’s hard for me to open up because people have betrayed my trust. They run around telling other people my business. They lie to my face, telling me I’m strong and then run around telling everyone how weak I am. And that made me want to isolate myself. It made me want to say less or nothing at all. It made me play it too safe so no one can hurt me no matter how hard they try.

Now it’s hard for me to be hopeful because people make me cynical. I still don’t understand how people can say things but don't mean what they say, how people can make promises but don't keep them, how people can talk a big game but fail to deliver. I still don't understand why people don't walk their talk. I still don’t understand how people can lie to my face assuming I will never find out the truth.

It’s all painful. It seems to be the same cycle with different people. Why? 

And yet I still trust. I still believe. I still hope because I haven’t met everyone.

I always try hard to understand people, always try to put myself in their shoes, always making excuses for people because I always feel people need a chance, people need to know they are not alone, that they have someone in their corner. 

But now I’m learning that maybe it’s better to lose some people and make room for better ones. I'm learning it's better to fill the empty spaces with people who don’t make me regret being who I am or for sharing my personal stories. I'm learning it is better to fill the empty spaces with people who can teach me how to trust again and how to love without holding back.

It’s not that I can’t trust people, I’ve just been trusting the wrong ones. It’s not that I stopped believing people, I’m just learning to be more selective in picking people who I will let in. It's not that I have turned into a cold, unfeeling human being, I am just protecting myself.