An Epiphany Of Self-worth And Inner Peace. Read Count : 107

Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Self Help

After twenty-five years, I am beginning to discover my true inner peace. Until this moment, self-respect and self-worth have been two values that I have never truly embraced. 


Looking back now, I see that many of the decisions that I have made were always centered around how it would impact the ones around me. This felt relatively normal. I had developed a complex need to please everyone except myself. I thought that this was actually fulfilling my sense of self-worth because I've always given forth the love that I wish to receive, but truly never have. 


However, after recently claiming my freedom from a toxic relationship, I have begun a feverent journey to find my true soul and spirit. I have experienced so many different hardships in such a short amount of time in this world. These hardships felt like they were happening to me, but I now see why they all had to happen. 


Though I am not proud of a few of my recent endeavors, I have somehow discovered a deep comfort in knowing that I have been dealing and healing the way I want to. 


Learning to not worry about pleasing everyone is still a difficult thing for me at times. I have found myself doing things for certain individuals, not because I even wanted to, but simply because it felt easier to just do it and get it over with. 


Whether this was some sort of complex I developed over the years, I'm not entirely sure. I have always loved pleasing people. Even though I didn't really want anything to do with certain people, I still found a twisted satisfaction in my ability to deceive myself. I convinced myself to go through with things that I deep-down to my core did not want to. Somehow, it became a normality to ignore my gut and heart. 


I now feel sick to my stomach when I think about most of the people I gave pieces of myself to. I did so slowly until I found myself at the bottom of a very deep hole, begging and praying for my final end to come. 


But today, I feel anew. I do not wish to be disrespected any longer. I do not wish to please anyone in any way. My children, of course, are my main priorities; however, I know I have been providing them a disservice by allowing them to see me be dwindled down to a hopeless, broken woman who had given up on everything. They deserve to see me be strong. They deserve to have their mother back, the one who smiled through all of the heartache. 


I know that I gave up. I know that I stopped trying to persevere, and that I felt more broken and defeated than ever before. But, here I am. I am still at rock bottom, and have a long way to go, but for the first time in a very long time, I feel that weird little feeling once again.. hope.


I vow to respect my body. It is not for any man or woman to decide what I will do with it. I will no longer wonder, if I don't do this, this person will feel or do this. I claim this body, soul, mind, and spirit in an entirely new way. 


I'm sure I will stumble along the way, but I've already been through it all, it seems! What can touch a woman who refuses to let this be the end of her story?


My story has just begun. My only hope is that, if you are reading this, you will dig deep down past all of the darkness within yourself to find your deserving of self-worth and inner peace. You deserve it.



-CB

Comments

  • Nov 01, 2018

  • Nov 01, 2018

  • Cara, you showed a lot of strength in this piece. Thank you for sharing your journey. Even though I don't know your whole story, from the way you had written this I can only imagine the pain and hardship you have had to endure into discovering what you had discovered about yourself. Keep riding your wave, Cara. Things will only get better for you from here. 💜

    Nov 15, 2018

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