Category : Notes/work

Sub Category : N/A

And i dont know what series of events caused me to decide to stay at his house. 
All I know is I couldn't stop following him the moment I saw him. 
Like he still has a spell on me. I don't know why. But I do know, I shouldn't even be talking to him. And yet, I'm sitting here watching him before he wakes up, wondering why I'm giving him the time of day. My entire day. 
I don't wanna ignore him. 
Although I could, it would be dreadful. 
The simple act and desire of wanting to put my hand on his face so fucking badly, makes me wanna run a million miles away from him....apart of me still wishes I could just have him in that way. And did all along. 
Wishing things didn't have to die so quickly before i could even learn what it was like for someone to just let you be in love with them. 
And I feel like I'll never know. 
And I look stupid. 
As I did when he just left me on the floor and didn't want me anywhere near him. 
Like all of a sudden we've fallen out of a cloud and became strangers to one another, but I still remembered everything. 
And when I tell you.. EVERYTHING in my body yearns for me to just be able to hold him and be held by him but I just....cant.....it just can't be that way. 
And why not? 
Cause he doesn't love me anymore? 
Cause he never liked me after the first time in the same way but said he did? 
It was nothing to him. 
Nothing he would ever repeat. 
But I still play it over and over and over in my head cause it doesn't fucking stop for me. 
To me it still lives on.  
How do you even deal with that?  
He completely opened me up to a door,
But he left me on read in the most sinister way....but my wanting still doesn't die. 

What the fuck....how do I deserve any better?