All For You Read Count : 126

Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Relationships

You and I, we've had our time. It may have been brief, but it was almost everything I imagined and wanted it to be. 


Almost. 


When I first discovered you, I was completely drawn to you. I was drawn to your voice, your energy, your soul and everything about you. You just had me at that time. I was hooked big time. But if I were to be honest, I wouldn't say I was hooked romantically. At least not in the beginning. I would say I was hooked on you in a more physical way; lustfully and sexually, more than anything else. Yet at the same time, I also knew there was so much more than just physical lust. I felt you had a lot more to offer than just being a tantalizing piece of meat. And so I paid closer attention. I was intrigued to find out more about you. I began to study you. From my study, I discovered I was right, there is definitely so much more to you. You are a man who is intelligent, charismatic, driven, artistic, intellectual, and candid. You have all the powerful tools yet you seem to be unaware of them. Or maybe you are aware but you choose to use them for the wrong purpose. It is such a shame to see that your whole is less than the sum of your parts. 


You choose physical connection over emotional connection. Casual and meaningless sex with different partners without putting feelings into the mix feels a lot safer to you. No strings attached, no drama, no complication. You can't get hurt when you only keep it physical, that's what you told me. But do you really believe what you told me? Do you really believe you want nothing to do with the matters of the heart? Do you really believe you can be satisfied going on with the rest of your life with all things meaningless and not have anything meaningful? Do you know you deserve so much more than what you're settling for? 


Deep down inside, I know you want the emotional connection. I know you want to love and be loved in return. I know you have tried it, given it a shot, and ended up getting hurt. I know that when you gave it a shot you had given it your all. You had poured out all of the love you have inside you onto that person only to find it wasn't appreciated. All of your efforts were dismissed as if they had no value. I know it broke your heart into a million pieces. You were left to pick up those pieces on your own to put them back together again. It made you angry and that anger raged like an uncontrollable flame. As a result, you harden your heart not to feel. You stay away from anyone who show emotions towards you, and anyone who have emotional feelings for you. You closed the door to barricade your heart. But who are you angry with really? Are you angry with the person who broke your heart by hurting you? Or are you angry with yourself for allowing yourself to be vulnerable? I know if I were to ask you these questions directly you would probably brush it off, get defensive and say, "Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about me so let me live my life and do as I please."


But I do know. I know you are putting up a front. I can see right through you. You are afraid. You have been hurt far too many times by people you never thought would hurt you, people you trusted enough to show your heart. And what did they do? They fucked it all up. 


I know how exhausting it is to live up to how people see you, how having their attention is both something you desire and despise at the same time. All you want is just an escape from your reality where everyone is just too dependent and needy. People expect you to be almost perfect all the time that the moment when you show them you're human and not some demi God, they slice and dice you. I know you never asked to be placed on a pedestal. All you ever wanted was to be able to live a life where you can be imperfect and not feel like you have to disappoint anyone and apologize for it. 


Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe I could be completely off the mark. Maybe I don't know you that well. Or maybe I may not even know you at all. But I know for certain that you are not some dumb fuck. You said so yourself that you really do think a lot, you observe and you analyze. Like a sponge absorbing it all in. So by now you must already know there is more to life than what you're living for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to change you. I don't and won't do that to you or anyone. It's not my style and it isn't my place to do that. I just sincerely want you to experience what it really means to live life to the fullest and to know what it's like to have genuine joy. Truth is, you gave me something. And that's enough to make me want nothing but the best for you. 


See, like you, I was afraid too. I, too have been hurt deeply to the point where I didn't want to have anything to do with the matters of the heart. I, too had played it safe by sticking to just physical connection, having casual and meaningless sex with different partners. I thought that was the smart way to go, a smart way to avoid heartache and pain. Sure, it worked for a while, it filled up the time to kill my boredom, it served its purpose, but when the novelty wore off, all I felt inside was empty and hollow. That was when I knew I wanted more. I felt a dire need to fill up the void inside. But I was afraid. Afraid of getting hurt again. Afraid of getting burnt again. I had a deep craving for something I was afraid of. It was a fucked up situation all around. 


Then I met you. In many ways, I saw myself in you. You are the male version of me, of what I used to be. We recognized and identified the similarity in each other and from that, a special and unique bond built between us. Do you remember how we used to swap stories about our escapades? There was no judgment between us as we were both the same. The more we shared, the more curious we became. We wondered, "what if?" We gave in to our curiosity and got physical with each other. It was mind blowing explosive. We had the strong bond and the physical connection. The perfect combination. At least that's what I thought. But somewhere along the way, through no participation of mine, my heart had betrayed me. It aroused stirring emotions and feelings I wasn't prepared for. It nudged me to let my guard down, to be bold and brave, to take the leap of faith. I panicked. I was afraid. I was afraid of you, afraid of me, I was afraid of all the things I know about you and about me. I pushed those feelings away. I tried to ignore it, tried to deny it, but my heart defied me. I fell for you and I fell hard. I kept it from you for years. I succeeded in keeping my mask in place. Things went well between us and our bond grew stronger. The whole time, you had no idea about the shift that had taken place inside me. You were clueless about the battle between my head and my heart, and you were clueless about my struggle to keep you in the dark about my feelings for you. But in the end, I caved in. My head lost the battle to my heart and I came clean with you. 


Unfortunately for me, my timing was wrong. You already had your eyes set on someone else at the time I came clean. You had already made your move on her. I was a tad too late. Me coming clean only complicated matters for you. On one hand there was me; someone who knows and understands you like no other, and on the other hand there was her; someone you've had a crush on for as long as you can remember. I lost. You chose her. What I feared the most, happened; I broke my own heart when I fell for you. 


In trying to heal myself, all I could do was watch you from the sideline. In all honesty, I truly want you to be happy. Maybe you felt I don't have what it takes to give you the love you've been looking for. Maybe you felt she was the right one to get the job done. I prayed that you were right about her even though you never gave me a chance to show you what I've got and what I'm made of. I expected to feel resentment towards you. I expected the love I feel for you to dissipate. I expected the feeling of regret to surface. But guess what? None of that happened. My love for you kept growing stronger each passing day. Why the fuck is my heart doing this to me??! At times I wish I had a switch somewhere on my body where I can flip it to turn off my feelings, but that's not how a human body is built. There is no damn switch!  As painful as it was watching you flaunt her, I soldiered on and I still prayed for your happiness. At the same time, I kept a watchful eye on you. I prayed she wouldn't hurt you, that she would give you the love you deserve. But she messed it up. She hurt you and broke your heart. To be honest, that pissed me off. 


I love you! I really do. Seeing you upset makes me upset. That is why I jump into action whenever you show the slightest hint of sadness. I want to make you feel better. I want to be the reason you smile again. But even though my intentions are pure, sometimes I just have to accept that I'm powerless. I have to accept that sometimes, no amount of heart-to-heart talk or forehead kisses or loving hugs are going to make you feel better. I have to accept that you need to wallow in your sadness for a little while before you start feeling okay again. Having said that, it does not mean I need to distance myself just because you are in pain or leave you alone to drown in your sorrow. I am here for you if there is anything you need to help you ease your pain. I am here for you should you need a shoulder to cry on. I will do everything I possibly can to make you feel better. But if you still choose not to get out of that funk you're in, the funk which has nothing to do with me, then I would have to take a few steps back. Not because I'm done with you, no. I would step back to give you the space to breathe, to rant, and to feel. 


I am not going lose my cool with you or tell you to calm down or accuse you of overreacting. I am not hoing to get offended about you moping around when I have put in so much effort to make you feel better. I will not make you feel guilty about your sadness because you are allowed to have emotions and you are allowed to express those emotions, especially to me. I am not going to be annoyed when you are unable to snap from upset to upbeat. I don't want you faking smiles in front of me, or lie to me to protect my feelings. I don't want you to feel like you cannot trust me with your truth. 


I love you, dammit! But I'm not going to try to 'fix' you. I am aware of my limitations and I know there are some things that are out of my control. Besides, maybe you don't want my advice. Maybe you wouldn't want to know what I would do in your situation. So I will just sit tight and wait for your cue on what you want me to do. If you want me to sit beside you and hold you close, just say the word. If you need  reassurance that I am here for you and that I love you, I can say it to you right now that I am always here for you and I do love you. As much as I hate seeing you upset, I have to allow you to be sad but just know it's perfectly okay to be raw and real in front of me. I love you the same when there is a smile on your face or when there are tears in your eyes. I love you! And that's not going to change. But seeing you hurt, hurts me. It hurts because I feel helpless. I don't know how or what to do to take your pain away. But I have to accept there are things I cannot change. I cannot magically take away your sadness as much as I want to. Just know that I am here for you in your time of sadness, and I will patiently stay with you till your pain fades away. No matter how long it takes for you to get better, for you to get over the pain, for you to heal and be well again, you have my word: I am here for you. Always. 

Comments

  • Nov 07, 2018

  • Nov 08, 2018

  • Nov 09, 2018

  • Maurice  Beres

    Maurice Beres

    The complete package-nothing left out-or was there? I’ll never know but maybe he/she-others will recognize it in themselves (not enough 🦋 for this one) WOW

    Dec 04, 2018

  • good reading and writing.. I read and save .

    Dec 04, 2018

  • Mick . .

    Mick . .

    Good

    Dec 04, 2018

  • Dec 05, 2018

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