Category : Books-Fiction

Sub Category : YoungAdult

Part 1
The slow rhythm of the rain outside is a match to his own turmoil inside. Sitting alone in his room staring out the window, watching the steady drops of rain against his window pane, Noah can't help feeling lost. He tries to understand what is happening to him. He is not sure what he feels anymore. How can he be happy and sad at the same time? Is he losing it?
His thoughts went back to the date he had that night with Alice; a lady who has been frequenting the bakery he's been managing for the past couple of months. Alice has been chatty and friendly and each time she came in and if he happened to be there she would try her best to chat him up. To be honest, he hasn't been feeling all that friendly or talkative but he knew he had to somehow pretend to be because he knows he needs to keep good PR going in his line of work. Putting on a fake smile has never been a problem for him as he's had a lot of practice doing that for the past four years. 
The date with Alice wasn't really a date where he was concerned. Alice had come in to the bakery the day before while he was there and after purchasing a layer cake she had casually invited him to have dinner with her the next day. Noah was caught by surprise by her unexpected invitation. He was ready to decline but the look of high expectation that reflected in her eyes made him agree to go out for dinner with her. He just didn't have the heart to disappoint her. 
They agreed to meet at VietThai, a cosy fusion-style restaurant that serves a mesh-up blend of Vietnamese, Thai and Chinese flavours recreated in their own unique style. They ordered two plates of white rice and three dishes which consisted of a big bowl of vegetable soup, a plate of salted and spicy chicken and a plate of stir fried baby kailan which happens to be Noah's favourite vegetable. 
Their dinner date went pretty well. The food was delicious, the ambience was warm and cosy, the service was excellent and the conversation went well at first. Alice seemed pretty happy to talk about herself, supplying Noah with enough information to let him know that she was single and interested in him. She was also pretty bold in sharing with him about her past experiences with the men in her life. Throughout dinner Alice had talked his ear off about anything and everything about herself including her sex life. Noah didn't say much. He listened and paid attention to the little details. By the time dessert was served, he had pretty much figured her out. Alice is a high maintainenced girl who likes to flaunt men like they were her trophy. A cold chill ran down his spine as a familiar feeling crept up. He couldn't wait for the date to come to an end. He had seen and been with girls like Alice before and he knew it is not what he wants. 
He will never tell a soul how he really feels. He can't. He doesn't feel anyone will understand. He will just remain quiet and keep it all to himself. He has lost so much and gained so little, it's unbelievable. 
"Maybe I will never be good enough. Maybe I am doomed. Maybe the weather is messing with my head. Maybe."
Noah continues to watch the patterns of raindrops on his window pane. Alice was gone from his thoughts. The dinner date was a distant memory. In his mind's eye he only saw Feira. He thought about the last time they met, the way she had managed to calm his tortured soul. He smiled at the memory. He smiled at the fact that Feira is the only woman who truly gets him. Who truly sees him for who he is. He was dying to speak to her, to see her. But he stopped himself. He was ashamed. He knew he had put her through a lot in the past yet she has never stopped loving him. He feels he is not deserving of her love. He's not worthy of her. Sheila's face appeared in his mind's eye and anger and fury immediately took over. He blames Sheila for his lost opportunity to be with Feira. He blames himself for being blinded by Sheila's beauty. He blames himself for being shallow and stupid. Yes, he is doomed. 
Tomorrow, when the sun is shining, he will once again put on his mask. He will laugh. He will smile. He will act all tough and pretend like everything is fine. But he knows the truth. He knows he is putting on a show. Behind his fake smile, there is a sadness that is kept hidden. Sometimes, he wish he can erase the feels. But he can't. And so, he will feel the feels. And when he feels, all he feel is pain.