Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Self Help

     For most of my life, I have fought in an all-out war… against myself. Battling against the part of me that was—and still is—possessed by the insidious, daytime nightmare, though it becomes more powerful once the sun departs, leaving nothing but the darkness it thrives on. It's a disorder that is no longer an epidemic, it has become a part of our chemical makeup. We breathe it in everywhere, for it lingers inside us, simmering, marinating in our sadness, loneliness, regret, and grief, then it's exhaled back into the gloomy air. 
     I will always remember my battle against depression. It still arises from time to time, but it burns and screams at the touch of the medicine I take, shriveling like tossing salt on a slug. I believe depression will forever be apart of my life, but my medicine forever keeps it at bay. Though, the memory of being a helpless victim, when it was at its worst, will always and forever, haunt me. 
     It is a miserable feeling. You're incredibly sad and feel completely alone in the world. It's as if nobody else can even fathom what you are enduring. Suffering. This damp darkness. 
     Everything is black. In the brightest hour of the day, your vision becomes a black and white movie—void of any color. The best way to describe it is like being lost in a deep, dense forest at night. Being eerily dark because the moon and stars have somehow vanished. Hopeless thoughts gather in your head:
     Am I going the right way? Where's north? Why am I here?
     It doesn't matter, I deserve it. 
     Guilt has taken control of your mind. Everything is your fault. You find fault in things that don't even concern you. 
     You should've been better. You weren't good enough. Now, you're dead. 
     These voices whisper in your cold ears. You hold your hands up to cover them, but they're penetrated by the demonic sounds. Baby steps is what you decide with. Tiny steps because you don't know where you are. You can't see anything. Finding a way out is hopeless. When you reach out for something to touch, grab, and hold onto, there's nothing there. You feel your legs being swept by an unknown force and find yourself breathing in dirt on the ground. 
     Before lifting your head, a fog is lifted from your vision and you recognize where you are. Faces of kids surround you, laughing profusely with pointed fingers aimed at your face in the school hallway. The humiliation stings and throbs, pulsating your entire body, so you close your eyes and scream. 
     Back in the dark forest of nothing, try to get up but you e forgotten how. Something inside tells you to push so you push and push until you're up on your knees and soon straightened up on your feet again. The accomplishment slowly trembles away as you walk, not knowing if you're going to make it out, but you silently hope and wish and pray that you do somehow. 
     The worst part of it is when you come to a frightening realization: People always speak about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, but the truth is, there is no light, nor a tunnel. 
     No tunnel in the pitch blackness. 
     Forget about finding the light at the end… 
     You can't even find the tunnel. 


     I'll never forget that darkness. That feeling of being alone and hopeless. Wishing for death, only to take you out of that eerie, black forest of nothing.