Category : Stories

Sub Category : YoungAdult

Part 5

Feira was at home working on her latest piece to be published on Writer's Outlet. She was writing a motivation blog, inspired from her day spent at the Sesama Kita Center where she volunteered. The centre was the brainchild of her close friend, built specifically to help those dealing with depression and suicidal issue, and it is also a shelter for battered woman and runaways.

She was really excited about sharing her piece with the Writer's Outlet community as it was one of a success story. She blocked everything else around her, focusing only on completing her piece. She didn't want to leave any detail out no matter how small and she was happy with the way the piece was transforming before her eyes. However, her rhythm was interrupted by the sound of Babyface's "We've Got Love", which is the ringtone of her phone. Annoyed by the interruption, she grabbed the phone to check the caller ID.

She was extremely surprised when she saw the name that appeared on her phone screen. For a moment, she wasn't sure what she should do. She hasn't heard from the caller in months so why is he calling her now out of the blue? Should she just ignore the call and get back to her writing or should she take the call to find out what he wants? Before she can decide, Babyface had stopped singing, indicating either the call had been cut off or it had gone to voicemail. She stared at her phone. Should she call him back? If she does, what would she say? Again, she was indecisive. As she was running the pros and cons in her head, her phone suddenly came alive and Babyface's beautiful voice filled up her room once again. The same name appeared on her screen and this time she slid the green button to answer. 

"Hello," she said, trying to sound casual and not curious. 

"Hello, beautiful," came the reply on the other end of the line. The voice sounded chirpy and warm which piqued her curiosity even more. 

"This is an unexpected surprise, Ray. I'm surprised you even still have my number."

"Ouch!" Ray replied with a small laugh. The sarcasm in Feira's voice was clear to him. "I apologize. I know I messed up by not keeping in touch but well, I was kinda busy getting my life sorted out."

Feira smiled. "I heard. How are you enjoying married life?"

Ray was taken aback. "You know about that?"

"Sure I do."

"How? Did Noah tell you?"

Feira felt a tightness in her throat at the mention of Noah's name. She quickly pulled herself together and said, "Ray, this is me, remember? I know things," and gave a small laugh at the end. 

Ray laughed along with her. "Yeah, babe, I hear you."

"Anyway, what's up? I know you're not calling me to make small talk," she said, not beating round the bush. 

Ray smiled. Feira is way too smart for games. He realized how much he missed her company. "I'm in town for a short visit home and I was wondering if you'd be free to catch up for dinner tonight," he said quickly, crossing his fingers that she wouldn't blow him off or hang up the phone. 

Feira was quiet. Her mind was racing. Is this a legit invitation or is this a game orchestrated by Noah, she wondered. 

Ray sensed Feira's uncertainty and he knew why. He had to set the record straight with her. "Before you jump to any conclusion, let me be clear," he said. "If you agree to have dinner with me tonight, it'll be just you and me and no one else. In fact, he doesn't even know about it or about this call. So what say you, will you please have dinner with me tonight?"

Feira was relieved. "Okay, big boy, what time are you picking me up?"

Ray smiled. "Is 7:30 good for you?"

"Yup."

"Okay, it's a date then."

"Ray?"

"Yes, beautiful?"

"I'm warning you now. No games."

"No games. I promise."

Ray arrived at Feira's house at 7:25pm in his sister's black Proton Savvy. He parked in front of her house gate and texted her to let her know he was outside. 

Dressed in a casual black and white sundress, Feira grabbed her purse and flew down the stairs as she told her mother she was leaving. Her stomach did a little jig; she was both nervous and excited at the same time. When she opened her front door, she saw Ray standing by his car, dressed in black jeans and a white shirt with black trimmings. She smiled. How matching, she thought to herself as she made her way towards him.

Ray felt warm as he watch Feira approach him. He still has a soft spot for her; something he has no control over. He hasn't known Feira all that long but for the short time he's known her he could see why Noah had wanted to keep her all to himself. She's different. As he continued to watch her move towards him, he felt stirrings in his heart and he had to check himself. He's a married man now and Feira will always be the forbidden fruit. 

"Hello stranger, good to see you," Feira said as she hugged Ray. 

For a moment, Ray couldn't speak. He hugged her tight and if he had his way he wouldn't want to let her go but he quickly pulled himself together. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and then walked her over to the passenger side. Like a true gentleman, he opened the door for her and closed it when she was securely in the passenger seat. 

"Where are going?" Feira asked as they drove away from her house. 

"I thought I'd take you to 1892, unless you wanna go somewhere else?"

"No, 1892 is fine. Haven't been there in awhile."

1892 is an Italian restaurant housed in a bungalow, situated in a high end location in Damansara Heights. Owned by Andrea Villa, an Italian chef from Milan who left his home and family twenty years ago to make his own path in Malaysia. Here, he had found love and married a local girl and together, he and his wife Cindy, run the business. Feira met Andrea 15 years ago when she hosted a private function at the restaurant and they became good friends since then. 

The traffic was pretty smooth that evening, which was surprising considering it was a weekday. During the drive Feira asked Ray about Sonia, their life in Dubai, the wedding and anything else she could think of. She wanted to control the flow of the conversation because she saw the look in Ray's eyes; the look that said Noah was there with them even though he wasn't physically there. She had a feeling the dinner invitation wasn't merely just to catch up but there was another intention behind it and her gut told her it had something to do with Noah. Whether she likes it or not, she knows that Ray is going to say what he came to say to her and she's prepared to hear him out. Just not yet. 

They arrived at the restaurant at a quarter to eight. There were some early diners but the restaurant wasn't packed. Andrea greeted them when they walked in and he was very delighted to see Feira again.
"Bella! You're here!" Andrea said the moment he saw Feira. "It's so good to see you." He pulled Feira into his arms and gave her a big bear hug as Ray stood by watching. 

After introducing the two guys to each other, Andrea showed them to a table on the patio overlooking the big, beautiful garden. Andrea sensed they would appreciate some privacy and he felt the patio was perfect for them. After taking their food order, Andrea recommended a bottle of wine from his own personal collection. Feira was about to decline but Ray was quick to accept the recommendation. When Andrea walked away Feira turned to Ray. "You do realize his personal collection are all vintage, right?"

"Yeah."

"And you know vintage wine isn't cheap, right?"

Ray smiled. He reached across the table to take Feira's hand. "Has anyone ever told you that you worry too much? Relax. Don't worry about the wine. Tonight is special. It's not often that I get to have you all to myself. Just sit back and enjoy the evening. Don't worry your pretty little head about anything."

Feira relaxed after that. The restaurant was slowly filling up. They did some catching up and drank the red wine while waiting for their food. Ray was careful not to bring up Noah in their conversation. As they talked, he studied her. He observed her strong demeanour but he also sensed the pain in her soul. His heart went out to her and for a moment he felt anger towards Noah. But the anger didn't last long. He was there on a personal mission and he was determined to do what he came to do before the night is over.

It was an enjoyable evening for Feira so far. The food was delicious, the company was good and she felt relaxed, a feeling she hasn't felt in a long time. She was glad she agreed to meet up with Ray. They talked, laughed and enjoyed each other's company without a care in the world. 

"Would you like to have some dessert?" Ray asked as he topped up their wine glasses. 

"Actually, I wouldn't mind having a slice of their cheesecake," Feira said. "It's to die for!"

"That good, huh?" Ray laughed. "Cheesecake it is then."

As they were each enjoying their cake Feira noticed a sudden shift in Ray. He seemed deep in thought and she knew it had nothing to do with the deliciousness of the cheesecake. 

"What's on your mind, Ray?"

Ray was startled. He looked across the table to find Feira looking intently at him. He quickly dropped his gaze and pretended to be engrossed with his cake. Now is the moment, he thought to himself. His chance to do what he came to do. But how does he start? How does he approach such delicate topic? He had no idea. He stalled a little longer. Feira was still watching him. He could feel it. And he knew she is not going to buy some cock and bull story from him. He had to think fast. He had to say something. Finally, he braved himself to look at Feira. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, prepared to say his piece. But when he opened his mouth to speak, he close it again as the words seem to be stuck somewhere in his brain. 

Feira's heart began to race resulting with a tight knot in her stomach. She could sense that Ray had something else in mind when he invited her to dinner and she suspected it had something to do with Noah. But she didn't want to speculate. She leaned back in her chair and continued to watch Ray. Her eyes searching for clues and hints but all she could see was a man struggling with something. What? She has no idea. But she's dying to know. 

"Ray, I know you have something to say to me so just say it."

"Have you spoken to Noah?" Ray asked. 

Feira felt the knot tighten in her stomach. She was right, this is about Noah. She didn't respond immediately. She took another bite of her cake then washed it down with some wine. This time, she's the one stalling. 

Ray watched her. He could tell she was trying to hold her composure and he can understand that. He knows how deeply Feira feels for Noah but she had been hurt just as deeply by Noah. His direct question must be hard for her. He didn't push her to answer. He wouldn't do that to her. But in order for him to do his mission, they need to have this conversation no matter how difficult it may be for her. 

Feira looked at Ray. He was looking at her intently. She looked into his eyes to read them, to get a feel of what he's thinking at that moment. The reflection she saw in his eyes gave her the confidence to speak. 

"No, I haven't talked to him in awhile," she said. "I don't see the point. He's just gonna ignore me and shut me out like what he's been doing so why bother?"

Ray lit a cigarette and gave it to Feira. Then he lit another one for himself. He knew that she had wanted to sound bitter in an attempt to protect her feelings but what he heard in her voice was not bitterness but sadness. His heart went out to her and he was even more determined to clear the air, to make her see and understand what's really going on. 

"Feira, can we talk about this? Can you keep an open mind and an open heart and hear me out?"

"Sure."

Ray was relieved by her willingness to listen. He felt he was one step closer to accomplishing his mission. But he also knows he needs to tread lightly. 

"Before I proceed, I need you to know that I am not here to take Noah's side. He is my brother, yes, but that doesn't mean I am blind to his faults. I am here on neutral ground. I need you to know and believe that. Cool?"

Feira nodded. 

"Okay. Before I go further, I need to ask. How do you feel about him now? I mean, have your feelings for him changed?"

Feira let out a sigh. Her mind was racing. Her emotions running rampant. She lit another cigarette and blew a perfect smoke ring across the table. She looked at Ray and saw the tenderness in his eyes which calmed her. She knew he is not going to hurt or judge her. 

"Ray," she started saying, "you're a Leo like me so you should know how Leos operate. We are loyal to a fault."

Ray nodded and smiled. "That's true but it still doesn't answer my question."

Feira smiled. "You're not gonna make this easy for me, are you?"

"Nope."

Feira took another bite of her cheesecake, chewed slowly then washed it down with wine. When she put her glass down, Ray poured more wine into her glass. 

"Ray, I'm not gonna lie. My feelings for him hasn't changed, not the slightest bit. Maybe I'm a fool, maybe I'm hoping for a miracle that would never happen, maybe I'm living an illusion, I don't know. All I know is that I love him. Always have, always will."

Ray nooded and took a sip of his wine. He felt the sincerity in Feira's voice. 

"But I need to look out for myself, Ray. I need to protect myself. Do you understand?"

"I do. And I don't blame you for having your guard up. He has hurt you time and time again. I won't fault you if you hate him but you don't. You still love him."

Feira sighed. "Dumb, huh? But like Selena Gomez said, the heart wants what it wants. Sometimes I wish there is a switch on my body where I can turn off my feelings for him. But there's no switch. No matter how much I try to fight my feelings, deny it, my heart keeps betraying me. So what do I do?"

"Easy. Stop fighting it."

"Yeah. And be the biggest fool that's ever lived. Is that what you're saying I should be?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all," Ray said gently. 

"Then what are you saying?"

That was the moment Ray was waiting for. He had baited her enough to coax her to open the door and she did. He smiled inwardly. 

"It's all a front with him, Feira," he said. "That unaffected, unfeeling tough guy that he puts on, it's all a facade, a mask he hides behind. Truth is, he's scared, Feira."

"Scared? What's he afraid of?"

Ray smiled and reached across the table to take Feira's hand. "What's he afraid of, you ask? Losing you. That's what he fears the most."

Feira scoffed. "Yeah right." She tried to pull her hand away but Ray held tight, forcing her to look at him. 

"Girl, I know you find that hard to believe considering his history with women. But those women? They don't mean anything to him. They were just play things made available to him. He doesn't go looking. They come to him and offer themselves. Meaningless sex to kill his boredom, that's all it was. But you are different. You touched him. Deeply and profoundly. You showed him things about himself he never even knew existed. You're his teacher, the guide he's been searching for his whole life. You made him look at himself through your eyes, the good and the bad. You make him think. He is lost without you, girl. He needs you."

The last statement angered Feira and this time she tugged her hand hard from Ray's grip. "He needs me? Hah! He doesn't need me. You got the wrong girl there, mate."

Ray leaned back in his chair. He saw fire in Feira's eyes. The fire of anger, defiant, fury and pain all put together in a mix. 

"Are you referring to Sheila?" he asked quietly. 

Feira didn't answer. Instead she lit another cigarette and tried to hide her face behind the smoke. 

"I take your silence as a yes," Ray continued. "If you had talked to him then you would have known but you didnt."

Feira took the bait. "Know what?" she asked before she could stop herself. Curiosity had kicked in. 

In a calm voice, Ray answered. "They are history. He broke up with her."

"Yeah, I'm sure he did," Feira said sarcastically. "For how long? How long can he stand being away from her, Ray? All she needs to do is bat her eyes at him, say all the right things to him and he'd go crawling back to her. I've seen it so many times, Ray. She can kick him, spit on his face and he'd still crawl back to her."

"Not this time, Feira," Ray cut in. "He's done with her."

As much as she wanted to believe Ray, she couldn't. She hardened herself when she felt herself weakening inside. She had to protect herself. 
Ray could sense the wall around Feira and how much she's battling with herself behind it. He wanted to take away her pain. He wanted to take her in his arms and protect her from Sheila, from Noah and from herself. He had to convince her somehow and he knows that is not an easy task to pull off. But he had to try. 

"Listen, I was with him a few days ago when I got back in town. We had a long talk. The man's a mess, Feira. He's lost. He's hurting real bad."

Feira snapped. "He's hurting? Am I supposed to feel sorry for him, Ray? Well, I don't. As far as I'm concerned, whatever he's going through now, he brought it onto himself. His own fault for being a stupid ass who thinks with his dick!"

Feira's eyes were blazing with fury but behind the flames lies an undeniable pain that did not go unnoticed by Ray. 

"I agree, that is totally on him. He fucked up his own life. I'm not here to defend, explain or justify his actions or behaviour," Ray said quickly. 

"Why are you here, Ray? Why am I here? Why are we even having this concersation?"

That was the opening Ray was waiting for; a slight crack. He had to seize the moment to do what he came to do. He knows whatever he says next is going to be crucial for it will determine the success or failure of his mission. He looked at Feira and made a quick study of her body language. She had her arms crossed at her chest which to him indicates a wall. Her face was serious, no trace of a smile coming. Her eyes glistened, reflecting the light from a nearby wall and the candlelight on the table between them. She held her head straight without shifting her eyes from him. She looked like a hungry lioness that  is about to pounce on her prey. Ray almost chuckle at the thought but he didn't. Instead, he stared back into her eyes, an indication that he's not intimidated by her show of strength. Leo vs Leo, that's what this is. Each trying to show dominance. Each not willing to back down. 

"I'm waiting, Ray," Feira said, breaking the silence. "Why are we here having this conversation? I know you have something to say to me so go ahead and say your piece. Just make sure it's good and worth my time."

Ray felt challenged and provoked. He knew Feira was doing it on purpose; pushing his buttons to see how much of her fire he can handle. That's typical of a Leo. But she forgets, he's a Leo too. He can push just as good but he won't. Not tonight. Tonight is about saving souls - hers and Noah's. He leaned back in his chair, lit another cigarette and looked directly into Feira's eyes. 

"Okay Feira, I will say my piece," he said slowly, "but you better listen well coz I'm not going to repeat myself. Cool?"

Feira nodded. "Shoot," she said. 

Ray took a drag of his cigarette and held the smoke a little longer in his lungs before he slowly exhale. As he pulled in the smoke he watched the red burning light come alive at the end of the cigarette, half cursing himself for picking up the habit. As he exhales the smoke he watched the white pattern and the way it floats and sways before it disappears. Once the smoke cleared, he opened his mouth to speak. 

"As I mentioned earlier, I met Noah a few days ago. I saw a side of him that I've never seen before."

"And what side is that?" Feira injected. 

Ray ignored her attempt at being sarcastic. "I saw a remorseful man, a man who is determined to get his shit together," he continued. "He knows he's messed up his life. He knows he's been reckless and foolish and was too dumb and proud to admit his mistakes. He was living a life where most guys could only dream about. He had women in every corner lusting for him, willing to let him do as he please with them. That's every guy's dream, Feira, and Noah was living that life."

Ray paused to down the wine in his glass. He then emptied the bottle by filling up their glasses. Feira had not say a word. She was paying attention, listening to every word that comes out of Ray's mouth. She didn't want to break his momentum by interrupting or asking questions. Like a sponge, she was absorbing everything he has said so far. She waited patiently as Ray took another sip of his wine. Even though she was eager to hear what else he has to say to her, she didn't push him. 

Finally, Ray continued. "As you know, the entertainment industry had always been his dream since he was a kid. He comes from a musical family so music is in his blood. He could have easily asked any of his uncles to pull strings for him, but he didn't. He was determined to make it on his own. He worked his ass off. He sought guidance from established musicians and DJs. He picked their brain and learned everything there is to learn about the industry. His hardwork paid off. He was one of the most sought after DJs in town. Every club owner wanted to have him play in their establishment for they know he has the pull to draw in the crowd. He was a good investment to them. They paid him good money and he was laughing all the way to the bank. But...."

"But what?"

"But somewhere along the way he had lost himself. Fame made him forget what really matters. Women became his downfall. And Sheila? She was his biggest mistake."

"Why are you telling me all this, Ray? What do you want from me?"

Ray smiled. He knew then that his mission was a success. He could see Feira softening and to him, that is a good sign. 

"I'm not asking you to do anything out of the ordinary. All I'm asking from you is to continue doing what you have been doing for years."

Feira wasn't clear on what he meant and apparently her confusion showed on her face. 

"Let me break it down to you," Ray said as he reached over to take her hand. "He's tired, Feira, tired of the life he was living. He's tired of having women throw themselves at him. He wants a change. He wants something different in his life. He wants substance, a real and meaningful existence. He has made the move to achieve that. He has been doing a lot of soul searching to find the broken parts of himself. He found them and acknowledged them. He is now working really hard to correct himself. But he's struggling, Feira. He doesn't feel he's strong enough to do it on his own. He needs your help."

"My help? How? What kind of help?"

"He needs to know you're still there for him. Remember how the two of you used to talk to each other through songs and encrypted posts on Facebook?"

"Yes."

"He looks for those everyday. You have always been consistent with him. You understand him like no one else can and you see him for who he really is. You always know what's up with him even without him having to say a word. Even when his world was crumbling down, he found comfort and peace in your words. But when you stopped reaching out to him, he freaked out. He got sucked in deeper into the darkness. He feels lost. You have always been his beacon of light but now he's grappling in the dark not knowing which way to go."

Feira was shocked. She never expected to hear those words from Ray. Her heart bled for Noah. She wanted so badly to see him and to hold him, to let him know he's not alone. But she can't do any of that. Not just yet. She needed to know more. 

"Why didn't he do what any normal person would do and just come and talk to me?"

"Don't you see? He's ashamed to face you, Feira."

"Ashamed? Why?"

"He knows he's put you through a lot of pain. It's not something he's proud of. He's ashamed of himself, that's why he can't bring himself to face you," Ray explained. "He's trying very hard, Feira, he's working really hard on himself. He wants to be a man who is worthy and deserving of your love. Someone you'd be proud to call your man. But as you know, change takes time. It's not something that can happen overnight."

"Of course," Feira said, "I completely understand that. What I'm still not clear about is what exactly do you want me to do?"

"I hope you'll keep an open mind and an open heart when he reaches out to you. If you noticed, I said when and not if because it is going to happen, Feira, he is going to reach out to you. It may not be today, may not even be tomorrow, but believe me when I say it will happen someday, when he is ready to face you like a man. And when he does, I hope you will give him a chance to at least hear him out. That's all I ask from you."

Feira felt stirrings in her heart. At the same time, she could feel the sting of tears burning in her eyes. She blinked, not allowing them to spill. She then remembered the SoundCloud playlist which he had sent to her and his message that accompanied it. She made a mental note to listen to the playlist again. Was that Noah's way of reaching out to her?

A couple of hours later, back in the safety of her bedroom, she sat on her bed with her headphones on, listening to Noah's playlist. Each song carried its own message and she spent the next one hour and eleven minutes listening to each song. When she was done, she put all her things away, crawled into her bed and turned off the light. In the darkness of the night, she closed her eyes and prayed:

"Dear God, I pray that Noah knows how deeply and completely loved he is. I pray for his happiness whether he finds it with me or with another. 

God, I thank You for placing him in my life and I thank You for this love I have to offer him, and I ask You, with humility, that you bring us together, if it be Your will. 
And please, God, I ask of you to please keep him safe. Amen."