Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Motivation

When I first joined Writer's Outlet in December 2017, I felt intimidated by the other writers who were already on the app. As I spent my first week looking through the writings in its Library, my self-confidence began to dwindle. There are SO many amazing writers on the app that I began to question my own ability. 
"Am I good enough? Can I be on par with the rest of the amazing writers?" .... So many questions popped in my head. 
I decided to check out the works of the Top Writers on the app just to get a feel of things. At that time, Jean Gorney was sitting at the number one spot. She had over 500 poems published on the app AND on top of that, she is also a published poet! Now, how the hell am I to compete with that?! I haven't had anything published. At least not yet. But the more I read and thought of the possibility, a new fire sparked within me. I felt this was the perfect opportunity for me to challenge myself. I made it my goal to make the cut for the Top Writers list. 
I contacted Jared to get some clarifications. He is after all the Creator of the app so who better to speak to for answers pertaining the app, right? Anyway, I asked him how the Top Writers list works - what are the criterias needed to be met to make that list. His answer was simple. "Write often and write well," he said. "In time, your hardwork will pay off and you will make the list."
It sounded so simple. But is it really that simple? There was only one way to find out - go for it. In my mind at that moment, there was only one goal and that is to make the cut. 
But what do I write? How do I approach this task? Again, I went through the library and read writings from all the various categories. I came across a horror story "The Box", written by Anthony Rout. I was so impressed by his creativity that self-doubt began to poke its ugly head again. I went in to check out Anthony's profile to read his other works. I came across "Ground Zero", a story driven by his readers. The storyline was so good that I couldn't resist casting my vote at the end of each part just to see how and where he would take the plot. I thought to myself, that is one damn good storyteller right there. 
Then I looked at my own writings. Am I a storyteller? Not really. I can write stories if I really put my mind to it but that's not what my writings are about. Am I a poet? Not really. Someone close to me had told me that some of my poems are a bit "elementary" and I don't think he meant it as a compliment. So how do I go about with this challenge? 
My first thought was to test the water. I thought I'd write in as many categories as I possibly can and see how that goes. And so I wrote a little bit of this, a little bit of that and I wrote daily.  I didn't let the read counts get to me. I wrote and kept on writing. I pushed all doubts aside and believed in myself. After all, this challenge was for me. 
A few months passed and one day I decided to check out works of the Top Writers again. I clicked on the link and the top 20 names appeared on my screen. As I scrolled down to pick a writer to read, I saw my name. 
Whaaaat.....???? This can't be real! I scrolled further till the end and scrolled up to see if I was looking at the right link and sure enough, right on top of the page, the words Top Writers was printed in bold purple. Damn! I actually made the cut! 
I was overjoyed. Not because I felt I was a hell of a good writer, but because I had pushed myself to believe in myself. I went in my profile and read all my writings again. Where can I improve? Where is my strength and where is my weakness? I made my own notes as a new fire blazed inside me and a new goal is set. I intend to make Top 10.
During that period, I used to listen to the radio a lot especially to the shows that was hosted by one particular DJ; my muse. I remember mentioning to him once about my goal and how I wasn't sure if I could get any better to make it to Top 10. He didn't say anything instead he played Mariah Carey's "Make It Happen". I listened to the lyrics and smiled. 
Yes, I hear you. I WILL make it happen. 
I pushed myself even harder after that, often criticizing myself and beating myself up. But I never stopped. I did make the Top 10 list eventually. And then of course, I wanted more. I wanted to prove to myself that I can do better, be better, go further. I spoke to Carl Shuck; another Writer's Outlet writer (who is also my big brother and writing partner) about wanting to make Top 3. He laughed and said, "Nothing has stopped you from pushing yourself, baby sis. Go for it. Push yourself hard." 
And I did. 
Earlier today, I received a message from Jared asking me if I had seen his latest post in the app. I logged in immediately and read his post on Top Writers. I was intrigued. I then went to look at the list and my jaw dropped. There, sitting right at the top spot was my name. I was speechless. Humbled. It was my goal to make Top 3 but I never thought I'd get there this soon. 
To everyone who has taken the time to read my writings, leave comments and ratings, my sincere thanks to each of you from the bottom of my heart. This win for me couldn't have happened without your support. Some may read this and feel like I'm making a huge deal out of making the Top Writer in the the Top Writers list of a writing app and I may be laughed at for it. After all, it's not like as if I had made the list of Best Selling Authors or something, right? 
Nevertheless, this is a win for me. A win at a challenge which I had put upon myself. A win against all the negative voices in my head. I was in competition with myself and I was going against self-doubt, low confidence and the voices in my head that were jeering and mocking me. I believed in myself enough to push on. 
And guess what? 
Today, I don't hear those jeering and mocking voices anymore. So yeah, it is definitely a win for me.