Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I try to talk, but the words get stuck. They linger on the tip of my tongue. 
I open my mouth to speak. Nothingness fills the room and silence rebounds off the walls. 
My insides are screaming to be heard. Yet, I swallow the words. Again. 
I don't know how to express them. I can't explain exactly why. I guess I am afraid of your reaction. 
Meanwhile, thoughts plummet to the pit of my stomach like giant lead balloons where they sit and fester, piling up like traffic jam next to the landslide of unexpressed emotions. 
I get that familiar sinking feeling. The swirling. Contorted madness. The consequence of repeated suppression. I really need to get through to you! 
But how...? 
How do I release these thoughts off the top of my head before my mind gets buried underneath? How do make the words come out from my mouth like they do from my pen? How do I let my voice be heard so I can reach all the places I want to go? 
Trying to master the balance between saying too much and too little feels like sitting on a see saw; slipping and sliding between the poles of two extremes. I am desperately searching for an in between. You know, not saying too much, just enough. Just enough to get through to you and make you see and understand where I'm coming from. 
Sometimes, when I feel too much, it can be overwhelming. So, I try to contain it, only to find out that trying to contain it turns out to be exhausting. 
Maybe disconnecting can be the solution. It is a way of coping with the continual overflow of emotions, right...? If I disconnect, I can't feel. So, I give that a shot. I numb myself. But I learned that the same numbness that is suppose to protect and comfort can also suffocate me to a point where I struggle to breathe. 
So, what should I do when I am trapped beneath the heavy blanket of nothingness?
Sometimes, I search so hard for words. I look for a way to interpret the language of my heart and the unspoken bond I feel. But in the end, I am left with nothing but silence. 
Deep down, I hope it’s understood.