Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

People   always think somethings wrong with me because I barely ever smile, you see sometimes I'm perfectly fine and if you want me to be honest I'm just thinking about food, but the rest of the time I'm putting myself down thinking " why was I born this way,  why did I have to be born so goddamn ugly and so stupid ?!" or something along those lines. Then there's other times when people think I'm faking my anxiety for attention but I'm not,  do you know how hard it is for me to go up in front of my class just to read a short poem? At school I wrote a poem about growing up,  the title was "Breaking Chains"  somehow this made my teacher cry,  I don't know how but it did he made me read last and  told me to " read slow"  you see when I feel Pressured I read really fast to the point where it's hard to understand what I'm saying. I stutter when I speak  and my mom's always saying " if your going to speak like that then shut up."  my mom basically tells me everyday not to speak because how I speak is annoying to her.  I have this best friend that claims to know every detail about me,  she says " your really easy to read,  this may sound stupid but did you know your eyes say everything about you?"  you know what? It does sound stupid, because if you knew everything about me you'd know I'm not okay that I need someone to talk to but I'm  to scared to do so.  I have another friend that claims I'm sadistic if you don't know what that means it basically means I find pleasure in inflicting pain on others but then she also claims I'm a masochist if you don't know what that mean it means someone who enjoys pain being inflicted on them or something like that,  I can't really say why she thinks im sadistic it would be awkward if someone that goes to me school read this but she thinks I'm a masochist  because she'll just come up and punch me or slap me and I won't do a thing about it. But I don't want to be either of those things I just want to be normal, I had a friend he was the one person I could talk to about this we were best friends but then one day he moved away, it's been five years since I've seen him I don't know his phone number and I don't have any of his social media to communicate with him because I was seven and he was eight  we didn't have any phones or tablets.  He was like a big brother to me,  yes I know  I already have two big brothers but one is always with his girlfriend or at work and the other one is in Ottawa  so I'm stuck pleading by myself to the demons inside my head. It's my own fault though I keep myself protected from the world outside and therefore I don't tell anyone what I'm going through, I keep myself protected by a fake smile, fake laugh and fake happiness. Wow I lie more then I think,  I'm Lying about my very being, so  I guess it's my own fault that nobody notices that I'm not okay. 
Dear reader(s),  thanks for listening to my story, your the first to hear about this in a long time,   it was nice to get this off my chest. I could have just told one of my friends but I'm to much of a coward to listen to what the have to say of if they'll even believe me, that's why I chose to tell you because I don't know who you are so I don't have to worry about what you say (I'll still worry just not as much) . People are going through worse then I am right now so just remember to give them your support, and if your one of those who want to give up then just remember...  Your wonderful, your beautiful, people love you and you don't  deserve to be in this world because  this world Is horrible, scary and awful you deserve so much better then this world. Have a good day.