Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Doctors are doing their best to "make me as comfortable as possible"   Im scared beyond belief. At only 42, I guess my life is complete.
I couldn't control what happen with the cancer in the breast. I tried to tell them but I guess the insurance was 2nd best.
I tried to explain that I was shitting blood, but was told I was a hemmeriod and that i must had pushed to hard.
But when the insurance shifted gears, a whole batch of nightmares began to appear. Now it's to late and there's nothing that can be done, I am such an amazing lady and just want to love.
Now everybody has turned me away, but cancer isn't contagios, that's what the doctors say. 
The love of my life has turned into a demon, and I'm contemplating suiced just to peas him.
I am so scared of d
ying alone.
So how am I supposed to explain the fear the ultimate fear what I'm going through now. For the past two years I've devoted my heart soul energy everything into one person because she told me inside that I should. And when I say devoted I mean everything from the simple breakfast in bed every single day or the pawning of my car just to make ends meet because money got lost at the casino or spinning with little bit of money that I had just on a very simplistic things to make that smile on his face.
Tonight I found out that it was all in vain. And I quote pity, obligation, because that's what I wanted to make me happy.
To this day in a way he's right it did make me happy to make him feel good but he makes me feel like he was doing me a favor when the only thing he was doing what's wasting my fucking life and love.
And the fuck up Thing Remains is that I did just fall in love with him his daughter is absolutely perfect those grandbabies are my grandbabies his mother-in-law I adore Mike is he still legally married.
He is every psychology students wet dream. To be able to have written my thesa with my research here my professors would have been well I would have been valedictorian.
I still wonder and it kills me inside knowing that something very serious happened to him something so serious that he almost took his own life and to this very day he's very bitter about the fact that it didn't go through. I of all people completely understand that feeling. And the emotions that flow into place afterwards and they will haunt you for the rest of your life and everybody else around you. You come to that mindset of wanting to end your own life but yet for some reason it will not happen you're stuck with two options. You either continue to try to succeed Whenever there is convenience and reason to do so, or you live the rest of your life and regret that you were failure. either way you're screwed unless you are able to see professional help to get down to the root of why you were trying to do something like this to begin with.
Most people just like the person in I'm making referring to don't know exactly where to turn once life is hid that bottomless place. And my personal experience has proven that this is a very dangerous way to live. Not just for the subject but for those around them.
When a person has a major drama or a catastrophe happen to the life is considered to be a traumatic especially at this level. However in this scenario I find the evidence to be form of post-traumatic stress disorder. I come to this conclusion because I have his trigger points, his inability to to want to connect, his fear of becoming close with his emotions unless the emotions are in anger, the bipolar type reactions and out burst, his fear of commitment, his addictions, and how he hides behind his anger.
From personal experience I know where all of this stems from. When questioned his excuse at the most was a teenage romance the went wrong. Or the fact that he feels like he left his father's down, but never wants us a real truth come out I can see it in his eyes I can see it in his two years I can feel it in this touch there's only one thing that could ever do this to a grown man and make him feel this way and that is abuse very serious abuse.



 and I do believe this is a reason why he refuses to get close to me or anybody and I definitely believe this has a lot to do with his brother suicide there was some kind of abusive helping and and I understand completely same thing happened to my husband and I went through the same thing with him and it took me 6 years before he finally told me the truth and dear God what he told me will haunt me until the day I die. So I understand and I know but it's such a delicate situation I just wish I could get through to him I wish you could trust and understand me enough to just tell me because he has to tell somebody. There's nothing to be ashamed of whether he was abuser or if he was the one who was abused either way it's very serious.
I'm contemplating