Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

My life drives me insane. I bet yours does too. Especially if you have depression like me. From my perspective, there are 6 Stages of Depression. No not that this where you *want to know if you have depression* more of what it "FEELS" like to have depression. From my view.
Stage 1-Useless
Sometimes you try and think to yourself that there is something much you can do in life. Help others. Do something in life that makes you uselful perhaps. But what can someone like me do something "useful" Thinking that feeling useless is what leads to things like "I hate my life" or "No one loves me" or "I don't belong here." Even; "I wish I were 'Dead'." If you're wondering. Yes. I have said every word in my life. And I'm only such a certain age. 14 to be exact. Many times I don't regret it. Like there's something you know you can do in life but then it's that deep thought that you 'cant' more of which you shouldn't try. Trying never seemed to come to mind. What about that moment when you realize you try but the people around you see that you haven't tried at all. Maybe your best is the hardest. Uselessness leads to the want of not living in this world. Uselessness leads to Invisibility. Sometimes you want to do things but you know you're too weak. So what's the use of trying? What about that moment you want to make things work out but only seem to make it worse. So what's the use of being useful? When you only know you're going to be another burden? What do people see you as? Sometimes a hard worker. But in your heart it's more of a giver upper. A failure. A disgrace. Just... You...

Stage 2-Invisibility
Yeah. Feeling useless to the world and to your family makes you feel like a disgrace. That disgrace and disgust of the person you are makes you want to hide your face from the world. Bury yourself and your mistakes 6 feet under. Just want to be noticed but you're only a ghost to the ones you love dearly. Just because something made you different. Just because you were only a shadow. Nothing more. I can compare myself to a shadow. And if you ask why? Think of your shadow. You only see it when the sun is out. And often you can see it's outline but the face is unknown. Would rather have it any other way? For me no. U actually feel hiding from reality is something that makes me feel better. Makes me who I am. Invisibility isn't a super power in my book. It's more of a feeling when someone you wish to speak to never notices you. Or they at least know you're there but ignore you. You'd never understand why they wanted nothing to do with you. Nor why they thought you're a nobody. Makes you wonder. "Are you just a shadow?" "You're nobody?"

Stage 3-Dirt
Yeah. Truth be told. Man was made of dust. As told in the Bible. But not only are you made of dust. But felt like dirt? Just something someone can trample over? Nothing but your life laying on the ground waiting to be kicked, thrown, or stepped on. You can't say anything, because no one can hear you. Nor will they listen to you. Especially when you're only dirt. A part of mother nature but never feel as if you're her own. Only the thing that covers the flow of the rock beneath. Under that pile of skin and bones lies your heart. It can't beat on its own. Not when it has nothing to live off of. Like the trees can't live without little rain. And you feel that you can't live without little love. Just a drop of water would be so crisp so fresh. Just a glimpse of the face behind the mask would make you feel like you're 'Somebody'. Just have one single person listen to your words. Try to get them to understand that you are different. How your life can compare to theirs. What makes you un-human what makes you more than just dirt.

Stage 4-Different
Everyone is different. In heart,in mind, and in soul. But of mainly mind. No it's not in "how I different from the thoughts you think" more of "I wish I weren't me. Every time you think you have the perfect life. But deep inside it's not even that. You want someone else's. You can look into someone's eyes and say "Hey,they seem pretty happy. I sure wish that were me." Or "I'd be anyone other than me." Being different is different. We all are made to be different look different act different and think different. Sometimes different just doesn't seem to explain the many words you think. What differs me from you. Is the fact that sometimes there's that opposing moment. Like you can be one way one moment and the other another moment. It's crazy how different you can be especially when you've never really had that moment you can share with someone who thinks and acts ALOT like you. So you're the only one standing in the pack. You can't be the leader if you have no one to lead. Just like you can't be part of the pack if there isn't one that can compare to your matters/thoughts.

Stage 5-Chaser
Sometimes I learn to chase the things I love. Things I want to cling to. Something in your grasp is all you need to complete it all. Maybe there's a special someone in life just like I have in mine. I force myself to chase things that don't belong to me. Never really understood why. Something that I know can't be mine. But it makes me want it to be mine. Just like when there's that boy/girl that steals your heart. I want to keep it to myself and hold it tightly in hopes it won't go. Because that gap that seems to pressure me into a want to want someone to love drives me crazy. Then theres that one person. One that tops all the rest. And then you have that feeling when you feel lonely away from them. When you feel like your life could be worth so many things with them there. But what would you do if you lost them? Would you cry yourself to sleep every night? Or would you pray to God that they'd return? Maybe even wish You have Never met them? What exactly is the purpose that this person is so special to you?

Stage 6-Being Me
Yeah. I get that feeling when I hate being me. Hate living my life. And it's not a lie. It's the truth. If you were to step in my shoes you'd find that each of these things I feel aren't just a feeling. It's like a true human. Like the devil trying to put me down and drag me to my knees. Trys to tell me I'm only a week child. And I'll never be strong. But I have been able to manage it little by little. That demon hates me for being me. Makes me hate myself for the mistakes I make and for the life I live. Makes me just want to strangle myself to death. Makes me want to put a gun to my head all pull the trigger. But why the demon does. I'll never know why. It just makes the love for myself fade. Just makes me hate me for the person I am. The way I look. How I act. And the things I have suffered, all the pain and broken hearts. Makes me feel; Useless, Invisible, like Dirt, Different, like a Chaser, Like Me....Never have I thoght it'd come to this...

---------------------------------------------------------------In the end It all builds up to this...
Whether you are suffering depression or not you are who you are. And even though depression brings me down too many times a year. I can still build myself back up again. Start over if I must. Sometimes I say I hate myself. But reassure that I love myself. Love myself for feeling, useless, feeling invisible, feeling like dirt, feeling different, being a chaser. I love myself for being.........Well.....I love myself for being "Me" :)
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Thanks for reading!