I Wouldn't Post This On Facebook Read Count : 214

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Social media has become a part of our daily lives and the majority of the time that's a good thing. Catching up with friends, sharing pictures and all the rest of that positive crap.

But what about when you want to write and post something that isn't positive but feel like you can't?

Everybody's got an opinion, everybody's a freaking ambassador to equal rights and everybody's more than happy to tell you just how stupid your ideas or thoughts are just because they disagree with them.

I am writing this knowing full well it will probably only be read by a handful of people, maybe less, but that's okay, because I wrote this and it is true and significant to me, so here we go.

I'm terrified about the future, near and far. I have smoked weed everyday for the past 5 years and have ruined my brain and memory because of it. I've been working as a debt collector on the phone for the last three years and have had no progression in my role. I have no real interests aside from getting stoned and playing video games. I constantly worry about how I don't earn enough money to at least make my crappy job feel worthwhile. I am always fretting about in the back of my mind about having to move out of my Dad's house and get a mortgage. I'm shit at saving money so that last point will stick around for sure. I constantly want want want yet have no drive or ambition to go out and do do do. If I could, I'd win the lottery, buy a house and just stay there, occasionally going to Amsterdam or something on holiday. My friends have been breaking into their careers and earn a really good wage and actually enjoy what they do. They save money and will probably have a nice 3 bed semi detached 2 bathroom house before they turn 25, and I'm just sat here, barely existing.

So now what? 

My Mum and Dad both earn a good wage, my Dad especially so. He's forever trying to share and give me and my brother small bits of cash here and there because he can and wants to be helpful and he means the world to me. Whether he offered me money or not. But the fact that I'll probably never earn half of what my Dad earns is a massive let down.

Everybody aspires to be like their parents in one way or the other. My Dad's the best man I know, and I'll never be as good. He's clever, funny, hands on, practical, generous, a quick thinker and would do anything for me.

Almost makes me not want to have kids of my own someday, knowing that I'll never be as good at anything, including life, as their grandad.

So I just lay here in bed, watching my girlfriend sleep like the beautiful angel that she is, and worry ever more.

Will she eventually get sick of babying me and trying to get me to stop smoking weed? Will she eventually think she's repeated herself for the last time? 

If she does leave then yeah, you can pretty much write me off.

Even with the shit money I earn, I love to spend it on her because she is totally worth it. Take her away and all of a sudden I'm spending more on myself and increasing the rate I'm descending deeper and deeper into hell.

And to top off everything I've just wrote, at least once a week I feel like there may actually be something wrong with me mentally, like Psychosis or something, without myself ever actually being diagnosed. Plus the voice in my head (singular not plural so probably just my conscience) never, ever shuts up and most of the time I'm lay awake at stupid o.clock such as now, it's running the list of things through my head that wouldn't change if I did just kill myself and not tell anybody before hand. 

Nobody would miss me really, aside from the family and the girlfriend I guess. But on this vast planet of 7 billion people, the likes of whom have invented things like Microsoft, Facebook, Apple, Virgin etc etc, who'd really miss one suicidal stoner whose friends and family would probably be better off without anyway?

Nobody is my guess, and I'd like to say that it's educated.

Comments

  • Hi Adam. How are you? I applaud you for baring your soul for all to see. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did. I feel you are being a bit too hard on yourself. So you're a stoner. So what? Does that make you any less of a human? No. I used to be a stoner too. Like you, I smoked weed. I found I was a lot more creative when I smoked. But what happens when I can't get my supply? Will I not be able to function creatively? I found out that isn't the case. I haven't smoked in a long time and guess what? I'm still writing. You are so much more than who you think you are. Don't cloud your judgment of yourself based only on one small part of you. Look at yourself through fresh eyes or look at yourself through your girlfriend's eyes and ask yourself why she's still with you. My bet is, she obviously sees something in you which you yourself had not discovered. Go easy on yourself, Adam. Coz in my eyes, you're an awesome guy. 💜

    Aug 27, 2018

  • Thank you for sharing. It sounds as though you are very self aware, you know your life and what it is, you know what you want, even though you still stay in your current situation. Change is hard, change is scary, but to me it sounds as though change is coming. I've been in a similar spot, where I knew what I wanted but it seemed so far out of reach. Some days that would set me back, and I'd fall deeper into my dark place. However, little by little I started to change those voices in my head, the ones that were telling me that I wasn't good enough, I am too dumb to know or do anything, or too lazy or weak to put one step forward. However each day I spoke only positive words, I changed the company I surrounded myself with. I slowly slipped out of my comfort zone, and that is where the magic happened. It wasn't overnight, and it wasn't an easy transition, but I did it. I tell you this, because you too can do it. Change your thoughts and you changed your life. Hang in there, and keep writing. You are worth it and by the sounds of it, you are loved.

    Aug 27, 2018

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