Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

There I was, waiting in a small room. I haven't eaten in fourteen hours to prep for this damn treatment. They are going to hook me up to some machines and Make My Body Convulse. I dont understand how this will help, something about re wiring my brain. 7 years of severe depression, suicide attempts, self harm, PTSD, and anxiety with nothing helping. I'm what doctors call "treatment resistant." Its not like I try to be, my body just wont accept the help. Going inpatient in hospitals didn't help either. This was my last hope. If this doesnt work it's possible nothing will. "Ms. Sutton they're ready for you" a plump lady in nurse scrubs came and lead me down a short hallway, down an elevator, and into a bigger room. Four hospital beds lay there, two already filled with people. I did as the nurses told me, I answered too many questions, I peed in a cup, which let me tell you was not so easy seeing as I couldn't even have a glass of water for twelve hours before. They hooked me up to monitors, doctors and patients came and went. An hour passed, the other two patients were gone, two more were in the beds across from me. I was so scared. I had no idea what to expect. Wasnt this kind of treatment gone by now. I've read about shock therapy in horror stories, but I thought they were no longer around. The nurse came over, unlocked the wheels on my bed and began rolling me away, down another long hallway into a small room. Three different types of doctors greeted me. It was just me and them. They hooked up my IV. Started putting the meds into it. My legs tingled in a weird way. They said it was normal."Take some deep breaths and we'll see you when you're awake."A breathing mask went over my face. I felt the blood pressure cuffs on my ankle and arm. Everything started going dark and my fear slides away. I awake in yet another room. Different then the others. My head was pounding. My stomach hurt. I felt like I might puke. The lady I saw earlier who escorted me into the room with the beds was there. She had a kind smile, like one of a mom. "Hi, my name is Max, would you like something to drink or eat? We have hot cocoa, juice pouches, water. We have crackers and cookies." She smiled at me."I'll take some cocoa please my stomach hurts." I answered.She brought the cocoa and some crackers. I read her name tag: Maxine."I have a special ingredient for that coca, try it. Tell me what you think. " she was grinning like a school girl."Its good, better than that pre made stuff" I giggled. "I add coffee creamer" she laughed.After drinking the cocoa, snacking on two saltine crackers, and changing out of the hospital gown, I found my step dad and we left. Man, I was soo tired but soo hungry.This treatment went on for about a year and a half. The headaches came and went. My mood swings were still swinging but not as intense as they used to be.Finally it was the last one. Man, was I relieved when filling out the final paper work. I was only seventeen now. My moods started to stabilize after they got bad. Doctors said its get worse before it got better. I guess they were right. I wasnt afraid of myself anymore.I'm eighteen now almost nineteen. I haven't self harmed or attempted suicide in almost a year. I'm getting married in less than a month. And I truly owe a BIG thanks to ECT.