Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Okay, I know I kept telling myself I wasn't going to write about him because I didn't want to waste my time putting my thoughts about him on paper. But I guess I'm here again, and maybe i'll be here a few times.
The process of moving on, healing, growing and letting go is all very hard. I am in a much better place now and I am feeling more positive and happy, but to be completely honest I am exhausted. I may not look it but I am so tired. I wake up in the morning feeling this hole inside my chest. I just feel so empty. It's the same before I go to bed. A whole day of distracting myself, trying to move on and trying to focus on myself and my loved ones. But when I put my phone down and try to go bed I just feel as though something is missing, somone is missing. 
The whole process is so draining yet days are improving, I guess. Baby steps because I know God is with me. 
I have accepted that everything happens for the good and that people are meant to come and go in your life. I try to stop thinking about how the future would be if it was with you, but I'm a girl with a vivid imagination so that's kind of hard.
When I see a picture of you, I don't just see a digital image of you smiling on my phone screen but I hear your voice, your laugh and everything you said to me and that I start to dislike that picture. I see how much time has passed and how things have changed. 

I constantly keep writing because I will never get to say any of this directly to you and in a way it's better beacuse my thumbs have wasted too much time and energy to have you ignore it all. 
I try to focus on the good times, we did make each other very happy and I always used to make you laugh and I'm happy I did because even though you didn't go into much detail about your life troubles I knew it was a time where you probably needed that laughter the most. I always got the sense that you lived a pretty tiresome life, woking up to 13 hours a day and then having family come over, living by yourself, and telling me you were in the US to make money. It all seemed pretty hectic. But with the happy parts I will never forget the not so happy parts and where we stand now. I will never forget my self-worth and how much you made me cry and I feel as though I tried too hard when I shouldn't have! Nothing justifies what you did.
Maybe the timing and distance were all wrong and I know you know that you messed up. 
I can't live my life on 'maybies' and even though there's a voice and feeling in my chest saying "hold on" I must let go. If you had anything to say, you would have said it by now. I'm a firm believer in whoever is meant to be in your life will come back to matter how far they wander. But even if you ever came back i'm not even sure if I would open the doors and I can't spend my life waiting for something that might never happen.
Even after everything that has happened i'm still happy that I got to talk to you because it felt right. So with every day I am trying to move on and accept how things ended. No more "it could have been like this", but more "it was like this!"
I'll always have a soft spot for you, but I have realised that I love myself a lot more. I have to constantly keep breaking my own heart every day so it understands its value. 
People say that when you're trying to move on you should download new songs but that's pretty fucking difficult when every song has at least one line that reminds me of you. 
There are 2 things in life that make me swear a lot, the first used to be art in college and the second is you. I had a love and hate relationship with art, it was stressful, draining but in the end it was worth it. I got to know where my strenghs were and where I needed to improve and maybe you're just the same.
I know you will get what you put me through so I don't have to do much. But I still pray for you, your job and your little sister and the troubles that you may have, because even though you caused most of mine you also helped heal some of them. 
Everthing was a paradox with you from the beginning and i'm learning that I can miss you terribly but I have to keep going on with life and from what I see you're trying to do just the same.
You know you lost yourself a good girl, but you still know that you can trust me and I know I can trust me and I hope that's enough for both of us. 
I miss you.
But i'm trying my best to say goodbye.