Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

My first mistake was falling in love 
with my best friend. He was there when I was falling asleep and all through the night. He was there when I woke up; he didn't seem to leave my side. 409 miles away- summer has separated us. I still remember the way his feet get warm through the night but it's only been 5 days of 90 without him. 

For 5 months we kept it as "Just friends". Month 1 through 3, I was ok with it. By month 4, I was emotionally destroying myself for getting use to waking up next to him.

I lay in my bed 409 miles away, convincing myself why he shouldn't be with me, why he couldn't be. 

1. He's my best friend's best friend 
2. I'm over possessive - no one likes that.
3. I tend to hide my feelings when I'm sad.
4. I'm very insecure.
5. I'm dense.
6. I'm very depressed.
7. I get anxiety easily - annoying to deal with. 
8. I've tried to kill myself too many times. 
9. I'm emotionally guarded.
10. I am very moody. 

As I go with my list, I begin to remember the night I had to "go on a walk" because I felt a mental breakdown coming my way, and how he ran after me and held me as I cried. He didn't ask why, he didn't tell me to stop. He just held me. I remember the day I tried to kill Myself and how he hugged me and told me he loved me as I tried to convince him why he should let me do it. I've come to realize he may be in love with me too. But I only need one reason to convince myself why I should ever date him: if one day I get the strength to leave the labyrinth of suffering, he who has learned to love me and be my best friend will hurt. I am weak and someone like him should not fall for someone like me.