Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Sometimes I feel like an item on the shelf in a refrigerator. When the door closes - the light goes out. I wait hoping for it to open again. It seems my whole life I have been alone in this position. I have spent years literally waiting for the door to open,  for that light to come on.  After years of solitude I had finally made it back into the world of people. It has been a difficult struggle for me to find a way to connect with those around me.  Even when I am surrounded by those I know love me it seems so hard to recognize it or feel it even when it is so obviously given to me. It's like the refrigerator door opens and the light comes on,  I can see them smiling, but lately it seems like the smile looks right past me or through me. 

At some point during my journey something broke within me,  I can see that. I think they do the best they can but it's me that is having such a hard time feeling it when it is so obviously being poured out to me. Sometimes I can see the shape of it,  notice it for what it is,  but to comprehend it or feel it escapes me. 

I was up all night last night going round and round my head with one topic after another. I couldn't shut it down.  My little sister came to my room and I blew out my cheeks knowing she was going to get on me for being up so late when I have such a full day ahead of me in the morning. However,  she didn't do that. I had lain there for hours without  rest and when she began to speak, it was in a voice that easily sifted through all things that had my brain running like a computer stuck in a loop. Before I knew it she had me laughing and yawning like a schoolboy. 

When she left it still felt like the light went out,  but I know this,  there was no doubt in my mind, I didn't have to wonder,  when the door opened and the light came on - her hand reached in for me. 

I don't know why it's become so important to me but there is a place in me that craves to be noticed,  to be valued and recognized.