Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

She doesnt listen, she is a rebel of her own mind. 
The whisper catch her not for any longer than a couple minutes, she disobeys her mind even when it's just trying to keep her safe. She is dangerous, she really is, she force the limits, she always forgets she is fragile glass. Her mind locks her for her own safety. She becomes so numb, so dangerous, too dangerous. 
She doesnt get help, she thinks she can make it by herself. Every time she is locked up "she" looks for help but every times she realize what she is doing she stops. She doesnt need help, she can do it herself. Always repeating the same sentence in front of the mirror, in her head. She really believes she can do it herself, but it only gets worse, but she keeps repeating the same sentence, again and again. She is frustrated. The voices are back, small whisper that make her shake.
Pills welcomed her, alcohol was excited to see her again. Cuts everywhere yet she cant feel it. Purple knuckles, she doesnt feel anything. Cruel bites to her thin skin, she still cant feel anything. She is losing it, she cant feel anything she knows something is wrong. She submerge herself in hot water she is barely feeling something, a whisper comes to her hears, just a thought she thinks, she knows the voices doesnt exists even though she can hear all the whispers. The thought of the blade interrupting her thin skin comes to her mind, it invades her, all of the sudden her body is heavy, the water isn't hot anymore, all she can see is the blade, she can already feel it in her skin, is calling her, the air disappear from her chest, the water is taking her down, she takes it, she has it, the water is taking her, the whispers become thoughts all together in the same direction, the blade. 
She is crying, she hates being weak, she hates to cry but it's the only way she can feel something. Another whisper, not a whisper, remember the voices doesnt exists, another thought comes, loudest, stronger, "why dont you drown, cut it deeper, it wont matter, you will wake up tomorrow in your bed, alive. This thought consume her. The water is calling her, taking her down, Is not hot anymore. She is too dangerous, she cant focus, she close her eyes, she becomes a kid, all locked up in the behavior of a little kid. She is conscious but she cant escape, she is too dangerous.
Other times she doesnt get locked up, her mind is failing again. 
Poor walls they dont deserve to be hit with such intensity, blood coming out of her fingers, the best part, she doesnt feel anything. The whispers came out of her mind to take forms, to posses her environment, now the lamp observe her, the broken pencil scream from the deepest part of the locked cabinet in her room. Walls observe her, the judge her, oh how cruel they are. The craving for alcohol starts, pills are naming her. It increase she yells at them, she know they are not real, but she can feel them, all the way around. She is losing it her mind cant lock her up, she keeps repeating the same sentence she yells it. She cant control herself anymore. She lost it, shaking until her bones, without any air in her chest. She give herself up, just for a while, she knows she will be back, and she will be okay. 
She wakes up in the middle in the night, she cant move, flashbacks come and go, a bit of pills here, some alcohol there, screams, blades, walls, water, all happened so fast in front of her eyes. She pass out once again. Her mind is calm, just thoughts, remember voices doesnt exist. The alarm starts, she wakes up. And with a warm bath she is ready to be okay, with a million different thoughts but she is okay, she can control it, she is okay. she doesnt need help she can do it herself. 
Same sentence, same numbness, same results