Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I suffer from depression, GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and various sleeping disorders.

Having all of those is hell. I never got clinically diagnosed but I know myself enough and I talked to a free therapist online. I never went to a psychiatrist because for me it’s a waste of money. Kahit  na Mama always insist na mag pa-check ako, I always tell them na no need na kasi “I’m okay”.

Kahit hindi naman talaga ako okay.
I’m tired. Exhausted.
I’m drained. Emotionally.
I’m worn out. Mentally.
I’M A MESS. INSIDE OUT.
I feel mostly dead. DEAD.
I’d rather die than to live life like this.

Open ako sa mga friends ko, I told them about what I’m going through para hindi sila magulat everytime I act different (or having an anxiety attack) but, I feel that they think this is just my drama, that this is nothing and I’m just overreacting. No, it’s never a drama nor overreacting. And this a serious SOMETHING. 

Can’t go to sleep w/o overthinking,crying and feeling bad is SOMETHING. I get ideas that something bad will happen to someone, something. My mind will not stop thinking about everything that may happen to everyone.Anxiety is killing me everyday, every night. 
Anxiety knows my insecurities and fears and it uses them against me.

Depression is with me since highschool. People think depression is sadness,crying, and dressing in black. That is not depression. Depression is waking up in the morning and feeling shit already so you’ll just go back to bed. Days aren’t really days; they are just  annoying obstacles to be faced. And you will face it through drinking, smoking, drugs (I didn’t), and suicide (especially cutting). Everytime my depression is triggered, I always grab unto anything that could help me make it from one day to the next. I always hide my depression to everyone, I don’t want them to see me as a depressive person and get that “pity look” they always give. 

Nightmares, night terrors, sleep paralysis, sleep hallucinations, sleep apnea, and insomnia. I am experiencing this sleeping problems since highschool (because of depression I think). Up until now there are nights that I’m afraid to sleep because, there’s the fear of experiencing one of those problems (less the insomnia). Super nakakatakot especially pag nandon ka sa point na nararanasan mo siya and hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin para magising ka. That is the reason why super minsan lang ako matulog sa room ko and I prefer to sleep in our couch, para sana pwede ko ihulog yung sarili ko once na ma-experience ko ulit any of those problems (less insomnia again) pero hindi siya nagwowork, kasi super hirap maigalaw ang katawan. 

Those disorders are affecting me, my family, my friends, and my school. And super nahihirapan na ako. Ayaw ko na. 

How can I rest forever w/o killing myself? 

Please, help.