Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

The darkness never leaves me, rather it hides in the back of my mind deep beneath my thoughts, waiting. It'll wait for that moment that I doubt, that moment that I question, the moment I wonder if any of it is worth it. I must struggle through this life avoiding exhaustion, illness, stress but if you look around these are everywhere in everything that we do, that we say, that we think. I have to wonder if I can only ever survive in this life, but never truly live. It seems as though disaster finds me at every turn, at every opportunity, everytime I blink. The moment I think I am building towards my future the next disaster comes my nest egg  just enough to cover the damage. So what is life pushing me towards? What is it this world wants from me? These are the things I wonder these are the things I wish to know and fear I will never find an answer to. I Stumble along not On My Own Strength not in Hope but in desperation that if my life should be a disaster that if this should end poorly that at the very least I held back the worst of that pain for as long as I could to protect those I love and know who love me.
On those dark days when the shadows hard they say I am worthless and pointless and a burden. However, when the storm clouds clear I can see the source of my madness and my brilliance. Those complex thoughts that would be beyond the average mind and fall just below the intellligent. I see it like a cobbled together machine of spare parts and it shouldn't work but it does for the moment. This madness is me, dashing into the mechanism fixing this mess as the machine runs on. Racing against a clock that tells no time and hoping my brilliance is the victor. But these tools I use are like the scraps I built my mind with, pieces I found and molded for my use. I pray, oh how I pray, they will work and my mind will be saved.