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        I was a codependent addict, meaning: when I was younger I had developed a compulsion to people-please. This happened because I wanted nobody to feel bad. I had a need for people to like me and not be upset with me. I gave too much, expecting nothing in return. Sadly, that was how I affirmed my self-worth and told myself I was being satisfied. When in reality, all it did was create more issues in the future, like anger and resentment. 
       Guilt  became an intimate friend of mine. I felt guilty about things that shouldn't concern me. Even if I didn't cause a girlfriend any stress, I would spend all my time trying to make her feel better. If I couldn't fix her problem, my anxiety took over, drilling me to no end.
        My codependency made me fearful, as well. At night, I yelled and cried when I was asleep. During the day, I was always on edge, making me easily startled and surprised. It could have been due to the post-traumatic stress from losing my girlfriend and then losing my best friend. This made me think there was something gravely wrong with me.
        I could ask for help, but I didn't. I refused it. I didn't deserve the help. Since I was always giving, if someone tried to return the favor, I rejected it. I was not worthy of the offer. It simply didn't fit into the life story of trying to please them.i
        Happiness was a long-lost memory. My ways of seeking peacefulness had run away before that, leading me to seek what I'd lost in outside relationships. If I found what I was looking for and am content with my partner, I'd do everything I could to protect those pleasant feelings. The reason I did this stemmed from insufficient self-esteem and loving myself before I loved them.
        There was a compulsive need to be with that person, thus, most of the time I didn't take a brief minute to discover if they were good for me. Instead, I put everything I had into the relationship, proving to myself I was truly the one that deserved their love. After investing my heart and soul to them, I had no intent, or time, to hang out with friends, play music, write, or read.
        Later, in the early High School Days of my codependency, I became tired all the time. These lethargic feelings was the inner depression and hopelessness wanting to come out. I wanted to be alone, away from everybody because all they wanted to do was help. I couldn't stand that, so I isolated. Then I found alcohol. 
        Alcohol helped me come out of my shell and made me happy, and gave me access to my self-confidence. However, that was what others could see. On the inside, I was escaping, which I didn't even know while it was happening. I found drugs, each one being a different escape from my inner depression that alcohol and my past codependency had created. They had become my main priority. 
        How did this happen?
       As humans, we are all born helpless and dependent on our parents for nurturing. As we grow, we learn to mimic them which leads us to eat, speak, walk, and gradually become more independent. Being shaped by our genetics, our environment and community become part of who we are. Years down the road, we are more grownup and move into the community as we attend school and make friends. The environment we are in gathers us together and reflects who we are back to ourselves. The child needs to move forward from its family into the larger world. However, I had trouble learning all the proper skills to become independent.
        Every time I moved out of their house to make it on my own, my addiction stepped in, destroying any independence I had — which wasn't much. I relied on my parents for everything. Sure, they could help me till I did things on my own, including, how to pay bills, pay for gas, car, etc. But with the unwelcome addiction that was my ball and chain, when I tried to be on my own, it would shut me down. Whereas, compared to my friends, I was falling behind.
    I had been to four rehab facilities and had detoxed even more times. It wasn't until I, willingly and hopeful, went to a rehab ranch in Washington, that things changed. I spent six life-changing months there, learning natural, holistic, and eastern practices to better myself. With a set structure, eating healthy, manual labor, learning to save money, how to pay bills, and working out profusely, I became self-sufficient. All that had made me a different person for the better, but nothing helped me more emotionally than spending time by myself, writing, and playing music. That was when I truly found the beauty within myself. I was eternally grateful for everything and had learned the will to say “Thank you.”
        The house I lived in was inhabited by five other guys, making everything a competition. Therefore, to set boundaries for myself, I learned how to be selfish when I needed to be. In the healthiest way possible, they had refined me as an asshole. Only when called for, being a selfish asshole became a viable skill, used to state my needs and wants. I also became trained in managerial work, thus proving why my mother had given me my name. My name belonged to a leader in the Bible and at Spirit Ranch, a leader, I became.
        I now possess a strong work ethic, a love for natural things, and a solid sense of spirituality. On top of that, my body ended up being in the best shape it has ever been. I had found the happiness and self-esteem I had lost, long ago; except, now it is more secure and sturdy. I owe my life to that place, along with the brothers and friends had I made.