Category : Books-Non-Fiction
Sub Category : Biography
Story 3
Life is about a journey, and we chart that journey according to the map we hold in our hands. The journey is short and fast, and there is no rewind or replay. It can be really good or it can be the opposite, depending on what we have charted for our life.
"The Climb"
Emma used to think that she was perhaps one of the 'unfortunate souls' because she had faced her first trial in life at six years of age, when she lost her mother. Her mother's death left a void that she thought was impossible to fill and difficult to explain at that time. There were many times where she would imagine the things they would do together, or the conversations they might have. She always felt that life would have been better for her if her mother was alive. Not once did she wish for her mother to leave at the very age when every child needs a mother. The sight of a mother and daughter holding hands can still move her to jealous tears.
Growing up was never easy for Emma when the house was not a home and the home then was not her house. For her, it was like going through a tunnel of transformation, much like a caterpillar emerging into a butterfly, like when you move from crayons and watercolours to make-up and perfume. Having to make that transformation and transition on her own without her mother by her side to guide her, that was the hardest thing of all for her.
Emma was seventeen when she encountered her next trial; when her heart was broken for the first time. During the 1970's and 1980's in the east coast state of Terengganu, it was common practice for girls to marry straight after finishing high school. During her time, there were many girls that were considered 'hot items' being pursued by eligible and well-to-do guys for marriage, and Emma was one of them. But being an ambitious person, she wanted to be successful in her chosen career and in her life. In other words, she wanted to be her own person in a successful way. At the same time, the heart wants what it wants and like any normal young girl, she longed to explore the avenue of love. At seventeen, Emma had fallen in love for the first time with someone who was eligible, with a promising future ahead of him.
Wanting to have the best of the best for herself, Emma strategised for a perfect life journey by getting married to the man she loved and at the same time, thought about furthering her studies. Unfortunately, the perfect life journey she had hoped for came to an abrupt end just one year after their marriage. The day he said goodbye, her whole world crumbled. Loneliness crept into the hole that had earlier been filled with love and hope. She cried endlessly. At the time, there was never any thought in her mind that goodness would come out of this trial. She was left with no choice but to move on. She enrolled in a college in Kuala Lumpur city, tearfully packed her bags and went on her way with a heart full of hope she would be able to mend her broken heart with a promising future.
After college, she found herself trying her luck in the corporate world. Climbing up the corporate ladder was a challenge. Life itself was a challenge. Her divorce from her husband, her trial and tribulation, had not stopped her from pursuing what she wanted in life. Although she was devastated by the divorce, work, friends, and life around her helped to overcome the sadness of losing him. She was far more mature by this time to handle and manage this test from God. One way or another, she was determined to make it. What was more difficult at the time was having to raise her daughter on her own.
The tunnel of life became colourful again when she fell in love for the second time and remarried. When she arrived at her forties and have reached a certain level in her career, she became acquainted with particular people and had achieved a certain status in society. Her community of friends had risen to a different level. She was in love again, she had succeeded in raising her daughter, and she was successful in her career. Everything in her world seemed perfect at that time.
Never did she imagine that the most severe physical pain and agony would pay a visit to her so-called colourful life. After being diagnosed with gout following a knee operation, she was prescribed Allopurinol. Although it was given in 100 grams capsules, she was supposed to take only 25 grams per day. In other words, one pill had to be cut into four. However, amidst the pressure of getting a new assignment, she overlooked her prescribed amount. She swallowed one pill a day for two weeks.
One day, she found blisters and exfoliation on her back. In no time, they had spread to her feet. She was in so much pain, it was unbearable. Her husband took her to a specialist hospital but was turned away as they did not have the facilities to treat her. They were advised to go to either General Hospital or University Malaya Medical Centre (UMMC) for treatment. It was only when she was in the Emergency Room at UMMC did Emma realise that she was in a critical condition.
Emma passed out in the Emergency Room, only to be awakened by people whispering and touching her hands. She said she vividly remember seeing some angels in white, with their faces covered, watching her and doing something to her. "Am I between life and death?" she wondered. After a while, when she fully regained consciousness, that was when she saw those 'angels' clearly. They were actually doctors, five of them, who were attending to her. Her skin was so sensitive to the touch that it was agonising when they poked the needle in to draw out some blood for blood samples. She couldn't fight the pain as she was very weak.
Then came Dr. Adrian Lim, a skin specialist. He was a pleasant looking man with a very gentle voice. He held Emma's hand and assured her that she would be alright. He promised to take good care of her. Emma gathered some strength and asked the doctor whether she would recover. Dr. Adrian, took a long breath and without mincing his words said, "We will try our best." It struck her then that something really serious had happened to her. After five or six hours later, her whole body was swaddled in bandages and she was transferred to the ICU.
Emma was diagnosed with Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis (TEN), also known as Lyell's Syndrome, a rare, life-threatening condition that is usually caused by a reaction to drugs. The disorder causes the top layer of the skin to detach from the lower layers, resulting in exfoliation. This, of course, leaves the body susceptible to severe infection. The fatality rate ranges from 25 to 30 percent, and death usually occurs as a result of sepsis and multi-organ failure. The bad news is, more than 40 percent of Emma's body was affected.
After being briefed by the doctors on her condition, Emma cried everyday and sought forgiveness from God. Everyday she asked God, "Why have I got this? Was I so bad that I am being severely punished?"
The nurses and doctors - strangers - became her family and friends in the hospital. Some of them even cried with her when they had to do the dressings and cover her body. It was always painful and it had to be done everyday. Her family members and friends who visited her at the hospital motivated her to get better, even though it seemed impossible to her at that time. The void, the loneliness, the sadness and regrets crept up on her again and this time they had cut deeper into her life and soul.
Then came a day when she thought she really was being sent to hell. Part of the treatment for someone with TEN was to be bathed in hot water. That day, she honestly thought she would die. She felt such excruciating pain when the hot water touched her skin that she thought her head and body would explode. She screamed for mercy. She didn't remember much after that because she passed out. But she said she recalled seeing a big fire and hearing people shout for help. She really thought she was in hell. Was her mind playing tricks on her? Or did the vision she saw a message for her? Only God knows. She didn't know how long she was unconscious, but when she opened her eyes, she broke down at seeing her daughter's face. She realized then how lucky she was to be alive.
She comforted herself by saying that this was God's way of showing her mercy. But at the same time, she was feeling heartsick at what had happened to her. People say that when you are sick, God has cleansed your sins, but for many months you have to endure the pain. Could this be a punishment for her? Feelings of loneliness and depression overwhelmed her body, mind and soul. She lived in a state between sadness and misery. Misery because of the deeply traumatic situation she had put herself into, and sadness at being extremely careless that it had happened in the first place. What kept her going was her determination at seeing her daughter get married, and the thought of being able to look after her cats, which she love like children.
For three months, Emma stayed in the hospital and underwent treatment, and for a further six months, she was bedridden at home. After spending such a long long time inactive in the hospital, her body had become numb and stiff. Her husband hired a private nurse and a physiotherapist to look after her at home. They were the best gifts her husband could have given her, a reward for the quandary she was in. Without realising it, her life became dependent on two strangers - nurse and physiotherapist - who gave their all looking after her and making sure that she would recover. Naturally, she alternated between being motivated to get well and feeling demoralized because it was taking so long. There were also times where she felt she was a burden to her husband, daughter and carers.
Given the challenges of recovering from TEN and struggling to get better, Emma took her first step with the assistance of a walking frame. From that first step, she looked forward to doing many more exercises. Of course, sometimes her body didn't have enough stamina to move on, but her mind and her soul were yearning to leave her room. She desperately wanted to meet her friends again and to live normally again. After progressing from wheelchair to walking frame and from walking frame to walking stick, she eventually regained the ability to walk on her own. However, she still needs assistance climbing up the stairs.
When you are critically ill or something bad has happened to you, you must remember that it doesn't just affect you. It also affects your loved ones especially your immediate family.
Many times Emma yearned to have her husband and daughter at her side at all times although she knew this was impractical. As she was going through agony in the hospital, she could see how her husband and daughter had struggled with time to attend to her because they had other responsibilities and commitments to attend to. However, they still made time for her and she was grateful for that. Her husband, who had just joined a new company, was wonderfully patient attending to her in between his work. Emma prayed constantly that she would be a better and more dutiful wife to him after her recovery and that her husband would have mercy on her situation. Her daughter, on the other hand, had resigned from her job just so she could look after her in the hospital. Emma felt blessed to have such a dutiful daughter. It was her daughter's face that she longed to see everyday. Every time her daughter came to the hospital, she felt her pain lessen. She prayed that she would be well enough to attend her daughter's wedding.
Despite all the hurt and pain she had to endure during that dark period in her life, Emma had also gained a great deal from it. She discovered an inner peace by realizing the mistakes she had made and the choices she had taken. There were times where she was clouded with confusion and doubt about her fate and destiny, especially when situations and surroundings were unpleasant, but there were many times where there was so much peace and love.
Even though climbing up the corporate ladder was not without weep and cry, plead, beg, and try, there were also lots of good times. Emma had also opened her eyes and heart and realised how much her situation had hurt the people who are closest to her. She felt bad having to adjust her life to her condition, but she felt worse knowing that those closest to her had to adjust their lives to accommodate her.
Of course, life will never be the same again for Emma. It will continue to throw out challenges. In fact, the effect of the steroids used to treat her TEN disorder means that she now has to undergo dialysis three times a week for end-stage kidney failure. But she thanks God that she is still alive.
Many people say that every pain or illness one suffers is a way of God cleansing your sins. They say you need to experience these things in order to learn the lessons of life. But Emma couldn't help questioning, "Why me? Why did I have to go through such difficult and costly lessons because of my own mistakes in order to learn these lessons of life?" Those are questions she's still trying to figure out. Although she is thankful she is still in this world, she regrets her continuing ill health. She can't forget the pain but she knows that the blessings of God upon us are countless. She is thankful for being able to walk and for having a husband who has been devoted in taking great care of her well-being. She is also thankful to be able to eat and enjoy the taste of good food, to breathe and see the sunlight and moonlight. Despite everything she has gone through, and despite knowing she is now living on borrowed time, Emma has found a lot to be thankful for.
