Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Sometimes I like to be alone -  surrounding myself in a peaceful silence. A place where I can reflect upon my thoughts - generally questioning the blemishes of my past. Why didn't I do things differently in my life? I knew right from wrong - but I did it anyway. 
I am cognizant of the imperfections in my life - past and present. I take accountability for my wrongdoings  and some are there to remind me on a regular basis. Life is complex and sometimes I find myself deliberately escaping from reality. My mind becomes immersed with racing thoughts and I breakdown.  I can no longer hold back, the tears flood my eyes and I sob all alone where no one can discern my emotions. 
Today it's been raining nonstop. I recollect back to my childhood memories on dreary days like today.  I would always define the weather as an emotion of nature. Just like my nana would always describe the rumble of thunder being the angels in heaven on bowling night. After that was said, my imagination took off and ran with the ball. The steady flow of rain was an indication of the "earth's tears." The light, consistent drizzle of rain meant "depression and loneliness." 
The severe thunderstorms  producing damaging winds meant a raging holy hell, here we go! Meant fury is nothing to mess with and  mother nature was livid. Even the most beautiful things in life have a boiling point. 
The wintry snowfall meant being "a cold-hearted bitch." And the hot summer days meant that everything was chill. No worries there.  
I know it sounds corny but when you're seven years old it's an endless flow of creativity. Nothing like bringing the ordinary to life. 
I said earlier that it's been a dreary day with light rain. I can apply that to my mood. I've been struggling with this separation from my son and it's not getting easier. This isn't the mother I wanted to be. I see him but then I leave him and now I can't protect him like a parent does.  Tomorrow he is leaving for a week to go to his friends family camp in New York State. It's almost two hundred miles from here out in the middle of God's Country. I'm happy that he is enjoying his summer but I worry about him dearly. I'm lost without my son.  Lately,  all I want to do is sleep,  and then subsequently rouse from this bottomless nightmare.