Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I have been trying not to think about every traumatic situation that I've been in over my life span but I can't keep running from it,no matter how much I try. And it kills me inside. 
I have been talking to my ex(yes the one I've brb dreaming about for years now) and even though he's told out mutual friend to tell me that I need to move on after he told him to tell me to hit him up,he's been nice to me and we sent selfies of ourselves with our cats to each other.. But getting off that subject. i sent him a message saying that he looks good,that he looks happy without me in his life.he's going to wake up to it and while I'm kinda scared about his response I'm also wishing he'll say that he is..as much as I miss him and love him,I have to keep telling myself that he's better off without me..even though it hurts to say that. :(
But the truth is:I am a very damaged person.I have been raped and sexually assaulted,in and out of abusive relationships before I got the chance to experience what a real relationship is supposed to feel like. And because I suppressed it for so long-when I got with him I let my insecurities get the best of me and I went and cheated on him with my now husband(which was a terrible mistake). There's just so much I wish I could tell him but at this point I have the affirmation that in my state I'm not relationship material. I really don't think I know what love is aside from sex and fighting and feeling insignificant. 
His friend tells me to stay with my husband,that he likes him and that he just needs help but than he'll turn around and tell me that I deserve better and that I need to stay away from my ex..kind of hard to do when we have so many years of history. 
There's stuff that has happened behind closed doors that they will never know about because I don't want to admit that I may have gotten myself into another tragic situation again. Plus we have 2 kids together..which seems to make it harder but I love my kids.I wish I could have the opportunity to rewind time so I wouldn't have to go through everything that I did so I'd be less damaged and more capable of loving someone else. :(