Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I feel humbled, in a way that I feel no pride.. is it the way I sleep with my back hurting so badly because this bed lived longer than me, while twisting and turning trying to put my mind to rest... I'm trapped in the night muse staring at the moon like I am waiting for it to talk back at me so i get into deep thoughts about where I live, what It is like and how I wished it wasn't my reality. The thought of waking up a couple of hours later grumpy from the bad sleep and to withstand the struggle of not having a home,  and later contemplating on what I am going to do about it?  


Lately I feel like my boyfriend is my runaway stop, when I'm with him all my worries disappear and all I see is the best I can be and mostly a better version of who we are! The thrill and excitement not forgetting the love, owh the love that is so deeply passionate the kind of unfailing love that resist to be forgotten not even for five minutes. I have never seen nor witnessed a love like this to a point where I also believe that love really conquers all, I have aways known this to be true but had not experienced it myself until I saw it in him... it is over flowing in him sometimes i think I am a mean bully, only to find that my way of thinking was never okay. He showed me how to love, my dearest peaches...  yet we are struggling, that is our reality and even so everyday we spent together was full of joy. But nothing hurts like waking up to a Friday to only find that its Tuesday,  due to the distance I could only see my peaches on weekends and the responsibilities I have at home obligated me to not extend my weekends.

So I'm still contemplating, the moon is literally shinning in my room and I turn to my phone and play cardi b to hopefully make me fall asleep. I love her music, when I listen to her I feel like I'm always wining and also with the sense that she has been where I am at today and she persisted and her dreams came true. So my gut told me I will reach my hearts desires one day just like her so I started to dream about my future house and lifestyle, Waking up in a million dollar house, to shower with hot water and strawberry shower jell,  get dressed in clothes that scream glamour and smell so divine. To have three meals a day living with my family that will hopefully love me more than they do now, to go to work and be someone important. Since I'm a writer going to work would mean spending my time in my home office, taking care of children I know I can afford. Living a life were money is not a problem, where food isn't a luxury, where I could be loved only because I am a good friend, a good wife, a good mother, sister or daughter! Owh what a sweet beautiful life.


But I am still in this cold room, waiting for my moment to shine as bright as the sun. I am only 20 years old yet I feel like my life is over, I feel like the end is near trying to make ends meet. I am praying " Lord, please open a door for me " is this how my life is supposed to be? So I cry and I cry who can help me? What am I supposed to do? I can't find a job, I can't find a reliable publishing company nor am I willing to sell my body, I feel trapped in a world where when I was growing up I never thought it would be a part of me but it is and so i sleep. I cried long enough to have me pass out, just to wake up the next morning and look at poverty in the face.