Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Do you know what it's like to break your dad's heart just by telling him about your past? I do and it's not the best feeling in the world. 
He's in a penitentiary here in Nebraska for life,even though he's been trying to get out on parole for years now. 
We have been writing each other for as long as I can remember now and he told me to be honest with him because I was discussing how I'm strong for not committing suicide after everything I've been through and he kept asking if I was ok-everything spilled out on the paper like I couldn't stop it in time! He learned about how I've been abused,raped and sexually assaulted(I didn't give him the ages or the time frames when they happened though,I didn't want to break his heart with any more information). He wishes that he had been out to protect me but we both know he couldn't be and there were supposed to be others out there trying to protect me..but they failed at doing so. 
I don't want to tell him that at 29 I'm still scared and cautious around men,that I feel my anxiety spike up when I catch them staring(I feel like it's not normal anymore). I sometimes catch myself having nightmares sometimes-I catch myself crying in the shower trying to figure out why I had it happen to me while feeling like I'm a horrible person because I let it all happen without even trying to stop it. 😭 
Why didn't I try and stop it? 
To this day I still feel really helpless and afraid. 
I don't think I'll ever feel safe again.