Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I have alot of shit I can say, and I'm mad at you. I don't know what will come out of me saying these things but fuck.  And I don't want to like start a up roar, and I don't want to make you feel shitry. But at the same time I do. Cause I want you to understand and if that hurts you then so be it. I talk from my heart alot, and I always have to much to say especially when people have hurt me, I tend to ramble on, cause I can't get the thoughts out of my head. Untill they feel how bad it really is. Toxic hua? For me and for them, and I got to do this with you, and I can never find the right thing to say, that's always been true. And when I said that our friendship was built on attraction, I have spent this whole time, trying to pursue you. Whether I knew it or not, I always planned to see you. Not a day passes by where I don't think, do I miss you?  But how do i go back to the day that I kissed you, hold all of thoes feelings in side that way I'd never have to lose you. If that's not what this is about, it's that he's a snooze yo, he don't know what he want, so he will choose you, he and I are just a like, only I wish I wouldn't put up a fight. It serves me no good, cause if this is the fate, then you were the mistake. Now I have something new to hold on even, though it's still hate. Told you this drag on, I just like to write. Now I can't respect you, and all I wanna do is fight. I'm lost and I'm lonely, I thought I had the sun to shine on me, but I was wrong. You'll never know how deeply it burns, it always burns it always burns. I don't feel alive inside. I feel like a monser, or a creature of Shadow taking over. I know it's in side me, no one can ever save, and evey time I hope it will another falls inside me,  just a shell and bulky holes, who are you without me. Nothing more then you always were. But I am more then imagined, even if I'm a shadow of myself. I don't even know what to tell you. You don't want me and now I want you more then I ever have and it stupid... should I stand up and make a fight, show her who you really are, not just the monster onto the outside. I don't know what I'm saying I'm getting lost. I was going to to use you, I'm not even that intrested in your personality, I found it boring, but you turned to be able to follow my thoughts. I thought I had a smoking buddy, and a girlfriend and a sex buddie. And my problem is that I'm really clingy, and I want to see someone everyday, and hangout with them for most of thoes days. And have beautiful conversations and I hoped you could do that. And now that we've crossed that line I can't just be your smoking buddy, I can't be you fuck buddie, because that sounds gross, and I would get attached. If you wanted me as your girlfriend while you were with justin. I'd consider it, I already have. But I still think it would be a problem, because I would never feel like enough.  That's what sucks about this, you made me feel like I wasn't enough. I feel like life is shoving me back inside of the whole I crawled out of. And I want to see light, but I keep getting dirt in my eyes. 
It's stupid. But I still want to be with you, talk about tittys with you and feel and see you tittys. I want to show you how me caring can feel. I'm not sure if I am ready to love somone fully, I think that takes alot of life lessons. You reminded me that other people suck to and I'm not the only one who sucks. But I still want to fuck uou, and I want to hang out with you aka smoke weed with you, and take you out on dates and have the chance to treat you better then justin. And I'm not the best at, boosting people up, I'm better at seeing what is wrong and end up making people collapsed into their holes, making them sturdier. I still want you. I still think about it and I'm so used to thinking about it, I always have with you, I mean, your not everything I will need, your everything I want, but everthing that would destroy me, and fuck up all this work I have done, to fill.my own hole, I wish that you would have given me a chance to shake you around a bit. 

I want to be with you because I want company, I want sex, I want you, and I want to know myself  I love your bule hair, your silly mannerisms and ezspression. I love how you can follow my thinking, how you think, and that you laugh at my jokes. I love how we are obserd. And obscene. And i lke that were kinky. Though I do like my personal space. Because of my past and who I am right now...I'm not sure I am going to be able to love, truly, it's like I forgot with how with everyone. It's like I'm to afraid to feel the absence of love so much that it seems unbearable to actually give love and recieve love in an equal manner. I'm still just scared to get hurt, and of hurting you. I thought that you should know all of this, not to push you away, or anything, but just to tell you, cause I feel better if you know. That I'm just a little broken. But I'm to afraid to say that. So I'll let you love somone eho too afraid to love you back.
And I just want to let you know that I like you. I think your funny, and beautiful and stupid, ditizy, an unknowing,  in attached out of tune, cheatting, dicontent, nieave little girl I know
Hey Alia. 
I think we need to break up, I didn't plan on hurting you, but here is why. 
I should of told you that we have compatibility issues. That I need a more spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. Thoes are thing I need to make my soul feel full. 
 I do have an emotional connection to you but I feel like we are not in the same level, with our feeling twords eachother, twords our selfs and twords the world.. 
 Spiritually  we are in completely diffrent places I don't know how to share it with you, in a way that you can embrace, we have diffrent values and beliefs. 
Intellectually, well I think your perfectly smart, your just not in tune with yourself, and don't know how to challenge the world around you to in a creative way, or in a way that I can fit into. If that make sense.  I can say that goes the other way around. 
 I've been also meaning to say, that you invades my personal space alot, that you need to stop when I tell you, and to respect my rules, and try not mock them.  You cant glommer on to me whenever were in a public setting. I makes me feel inferior or like a possession. I need my space. Cuddling with out groping is possible. The party was some what a last straw for me, you were littlely tackling me for physical attention, infront of my ex, and everyone, I shouldn't need to use the safety word in public.
  Also I can't stand when you talk about missing dick.  Or the missing the attributes of a male. It makes me feel like I'm not enough. And I still have a hard time trusting you completely and that only adds to it. It's not that I don't trust you, it just make me feel stupid or nieave for doing it. 
 I wasnt to remind you that I appreciate you, and that I like you, that I really do care about you. That i want to be there for you and I want to be able to hang out with our friends, in time, with out it being wierd. But I can't be your girlfriend anymore
I need you to know that I'll will miss you I'll miss being in bed with you sleeping, canoodling, or anything else. That you'll miss laughing with you, and smoking with you. That I'll miss seeing you. It's just that I know what I'm looking for,  but your not quite it. For that I'm sorry. I used you to know myself better and for that I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry you fell in love with me, becasue you don't deserve not receiving it back. I do care about you, and I don't enjoy leaving you. I don't want to leave the comfort you give me. But you can't grow in comfort.  I just know its better for the both of us. I wish I could could give you the true love you deserve, it will come your way one day. Just wait and embrace it. 
If I have any space to give you advice, I think you could benefit form spending some good time alone, to really grasp who you want, and who you are. Part of being alone if facing everything youve ignored, it's the hardest part, but it's how you find your soul. Please stay strong.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..