Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Miscellaneous

November 21st, 2011.... it was a rather warm night. Humidity hung in the air, clinging onto my skin despite having two fans blasting at full speed towards me. 

I was feeling restless. A check on the clock, it was 2:00am. Sleep wasn't anywhere near and so I continued playing 'Jungle Jewels' on my phone, determined to beat my last high score. I played for another hour and then told myself that I needed to force myself to sleep. 

I turned off my phone, switched off the light and prepared for bed. Just as I laid my head on my pillow, my room door opened and Mom barged in. She flicked the light on. The moment the light came on, I looked at her. "Ucu is gone," she said. 

Huh? I was shocked. There was something in the sound of her voice that alarmed me. All I could say was, "What???" She repeated those words - ucu is gone. I was shocked. Stunned. "When, how...?" were the only words I could utter. My brain was still trying to process what I just heard. She said she just got the news from my grandmother and she turned and left my room with no further explanation. 

I sat stunned on my bed trying to digest what I had just been told but somehow my brain was slow to compute the words and my heart just refused to accept what I had just heard. I got out of my room into the TV room where I saw mom and dad busy on their phones making calls to God knows who. 

Everything that happened after that was foggy to me. Getting into my cousin's car and driving off to pick up my grandmother from her place, it all seemed unreal. Even during the drive to the hospital I still couldn't accept or believe that my beloved uncle was really gone. 

Mom was already crying in the car on the drive to the hospital. I refused to cry.... I thought by refusing to cry, all of this wouldn't be true. I know it was wishful thinking on my part but I had to hold on to some thread of hope no matter how flimsy that hope is. 

When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the morgue. It was only when the attendant lifted the sheet to uncover his face and I saw him lying there, pale and lifeless, only then did the truth finally hit me. And that was when the tears finally came. 

He looked so peaceful, like as though he was sleeping. He even had a smile on his face. As I touched his face and bent down to kiss his forehead, I kind of expected him to open his eyes, flash his usual cheeky smile and start teasing me for being so mushy.... but of course that didn't happen. His eyes remained closed, his smile stayed on his face, but he was never going to wake up again. 

My dear beloved uncle; Syed Feisal, was more than just an uncle to me. He was the big brother I never had, my play mate when I was a kid, my best friend, my confidant, my protector. With only two years separating our age gap, growing up together, we were inseparable. There was nothing about me that he didn't know, and nothing about him that I didn't know. We were that tight. Unlike some, close as kids but grow apart when they start making new friends or when they reach adulthood, that was never the case between my uncle and I. We remained close right till the very end. 

Even though it's coming to seven years since his passing, I still miss him. At times, I still struggle with the fact that he's really gone. It was all so sudden. If he had been ill and we're all aware of it then it wouldn't be so bad because then it'd be easier to come to terms with his passing. But he wasn't ill! According to his wife, he was complaining of chest pain around midnight. She took him to the hospital as he was having trouble breathing. Within an hour or so, his condition suddenly worsened. Next thing we knew, he breathed his last breath around 3:00am. The doctor said he had multi organ dysfunction, that his heart, lungs and kidneys had stopped functioning. But why???? How???? 

He's at a better place now and I know in my heart of heart, he's watching over us. He's probably smiling right now watching me write this; struggling to put the words together to best pour out what's in my heart. But I know that he knows how I really feel about him. Words are not necessary for the bond and love that we shared were spoken long ago without words. 


Dearest Ucu, 

Words cannot express my sadness and sense of loss as I mourn your passing. But instead of seeing the end of things, I believe that life is an eternal journey and one of constant new beginnings. I will remember all that you've told me. I will cherish all the wonderful memories, and I will live my life the way that you'd want me to. I will be strong in facing this difficult time. I still get numb sometimes and I will need time to fully recover but I know I will get there someday. You may not be with me physically but your spirit lives on inside of me. Watch over us, Ucu, and keep us safe. I miss you terribly and my love for you is for eternity. Rest in peace, Ucu, and may Allah be with you always. Al-Fatihah. 


In conclusion, I'd like to share a poem that was written in the 1930's and it goes like this.... 

"Do not stand at my grave and weep, 
I am not there;
I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow, 
I am the diamond glints on snow, 
I am the sun on ripened grain, 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush, 
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight, 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry, 
I am not there;
I did not die."

Farewell, Ucu. Till we meet again someday, somewhere....