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Ok. I hate Valentine’s day. Why do people think you should save up your feelings for one day. It makes me think stupid thoughts and have stupid feelings. Every talk show and fluff news story has people proposing or segments on the perfect proposal or date or wedding.  It’s enough to make Cupid went to go smoke a cyanide cigarette soaked in kerosene. That all being said, let me say this: I love my husband and regret nothing in our relationship other than our wedding. It’s not that we didn’t want to get married or be together. We very desperately did. Maybe it was time, maybe it was money, maybe it was the fact I was expecting our first child together. Let me start from the beginning.
We had a messy start. His divorce wasn’t finished and my fiance had just ended it with me. We knew we loved each other and had for a long time. We started to live together in august 2012. By January 2013 I was expecting our son. Judge me later.
By June 12, his divorce was finally finalized. We got married on the 22, ten days later.
Like I said, I don’t regret getting married. Which is weird because I fought it to the end with my now ex. I didn’t want to do the legal and binding, last name changing thing. Maybe I knew something I wasn’t willing to acknowledge.  And regret really isn’t the right word. I feel like I missed out on something.
I’m not your normal, average girl who has had a dream wedding planned out since she was 6. But at the time of my break up I was actually planning a wedding type of ceremony called a hand fasting. Non legal, non binding, no change of last name. Just commitment to each other. So like every other modern day girl I turned to Pinterest.  I had seating arrangements, cake designs, invitations, dress, flowers, the whole nine yards and then some. I even enlisted a friend to oversee the ceremony and had a location and menus planned out.
Then it all came crashing down. I’m better for it now, but at the time I was a wreck. That’s all a story for another day. The king was there. Always had been and always will be. He picked up the broken shards and glued them back together and filled the cracks with gold. And for that I am truly grateful every day for him and his love.
But there’s that little evil ferret in the back of my head, gnawing on my brain, throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get the wedding I was planning. We did a $200 elopement down in eureka springs, Arkansas. And it was a lovely ceremony.  Simple, basic, just me, him, and my 6 almost 7 month pregnant belly. No rings to exchange, just fake roses that we didn’t even get to keep.
I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about it lately. Maybe because it’s Valentine’s day soon and I’m seeing all these proposals and weddings. Yeah, that’s a thing too. There was no proposal.  I have to give it to the ex. He proposed very well. We were working together at a picture place with my brother and he set up for us to get pictures done, but didn’t tell me he was going to propose. It was very nicely done and we used the pictures as announcements in Christmas cards to my family. It was all very sweet.
I know the king would love to do something romantic and moving and memorable. Stubborn as I am though I won’t let him. libras are two edged swords like that. For me, I’d prefer bills were paid, food was bought, and the kids are taken care of before I get a shiny token of affection. Diamonds are forever, but memories of family vacations and time together. That’s more of what I would like.
I guess, inherently, I am a hopeless romantic. I’m a Libra, it’s what I do. I try not to show it, but I love love, celebrations of love, and people expressing their love.
A ring would be nice, maybe a renewal of vows sometime down the road. I wish I could outright tell the king this. I wish I could say, “I’m a chick and I want my fairy tale , but I’m too damn stubborn and proud to say it.” Life would be way easier if he could read my mind.  Then again, maybe not. My thoughts scare me some days. I don’t want him to be upset and think I’m upset with him.  Quite the opposite. I’ve really never been happier in my life. He’s my guardian angel, the cream in my coffee, the apple of my eye, the peanut butter to my jelly. And we’ve always had something else that needed our attention more than silly jewelry like kids, cars,  home maintenance,  lack of jobs. I love my life and the king and my family. I wouldn’t change one day of our journey together except for this one thing. I’m just having a toddler fit of I want I want I want.
So I guess I am that chick that’s been planning her wedding. the feminine side of my heart loves romance and a good love story. Good thing I also planned my marriage. the rational side of my brain handled that. I suppose that’s the more important of the two. I wouldn’t mind a ring, though.  And I still hate Valentine’s day.