Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Anyone can be addicted the strongest person you might ever meet in the world is most likely an addict. There is only a few that have ever conquered their addiction and demons within theirself. Some never beat the disease, most everyone has something that they feel living without couldn't be an option. Some feel as if they might love whatever it is more than life itself, some even tend to feel like they love it more than anyone or anything even theirself. I know this because i'm an addict that has at times lost myself in my addiction to methamphetamines and being the junkie. I lost everyone everything including my kids but worst of all myself losing what I knew about who I was, now I have became this unknown person a lost addict. Although I have so much potential to offer this world i still at times feel unfixable as if i could never be good enough for anyone. This struggle is real it's not a joke. At times I just want to run away and be alone but I can't run from myself or my own mind. i want to make my own decisions in life and live for me. I am an addict that cant be her true self. I am too weak that i allow everyone around me to pull me in all different directions, im always worrying about everyone and their happiness. Forgetting my own happiness realizing I don't have to feel anything if i escape my own reality so i soon decide to become numb to myself once again allowing my addiction  to have won again. That I've lost all of myself, my emotions, feelings to laugh, to love, to see what could be someday. Being affected by so many things throughout life that I am truly lost and so unknown and I've been hurt so much that i could never allow anyone to ever truly know me for who I am even though today I'm still learning who I am. So please give me some time and space know that I'm a fragile yet unique individual that's just Hoping no one ever notices that I have no idea who or what I am anymore not even on the inside my heart has grown so cold. Life has dealt me a hand of hopeless misery.  I feel so broken inside. Having thoughts of the what ifs, what could have been, and why doesnt anyone care. Feeling so worthless thinking that No one could possibly ever want to know me the one true me because no one has  ever accepted me for who i really am. Everyone has always wanted to change me into whatever they want or need. Always trying to not to feel so broken everyday.although im like a puzzle having to be finished but always missing pieces, so incomplete. Can i just find enough strength to find myself and to be happy and not to worry about everyone else and their lives. Wishing one day to feel alive again hoping to learn someday how to live life on my own accord. everyday wanting  to escape my own life and reality. Trying to Ease the pain of my past and the memories of love that are long gone. Sonetimes i wonder if anyone could actually ever love me for me.Memories along with days will always come and go. Leaving us with lessons learned. As im feeling so lost and all alone. I keep looking in the mirror but my Reflection has became so unknown as if a stranger was staring back at me so terrified trembling in fear of failing the unknown thats to come. So scared of change not sure if i have the strength to change. I've always from time to time put on a fake Smile just hoping that im not really too far gone. Now that ive got to know this cold hard world it has changed me some good some bad but forever even so much that i keep hoping that i get to see tomorrow even though im forever drowning in my own sorrow.