Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

i didnt think i would make it to this age.
becuase i held on to some words  my dad  had said cause his opinion mattered the most .
He looked me dead n the eyes and said.
keep it up  youll be in prison by you early 20s 
 so as the year went by  i made that a dead line,
IT had to be true it came out a parents mouth right.
 sounds so ridiculous now 
i cried for you for years while you did that set down of five years 
i bet you told your celly what a proud dad you are '
excuse me while i laugh out loud at that do you even know what a proud dad feels like ? 
in every letter you made a wriiten promise.....at the ending you put  i love you half pint and signed your dad  \
well congrats to you father of the year you been out almost five years 
you managed to break every promise you ever made  
now look at you, you have  a wife  made out of fake love she gunna drown you in  her selfish ways
 one day we will wake up and youll be gone 
i look at you and i see what i wanted as a dad  but i made you up  in my head and pictured your face in the fathers place 
 the man standing infront me today  could care less as long as he put in a lil effort here n there that  should be  enough for now.
ill admit you tried, but did you try your best 
did you put your kids wants infront of your own 
you preach about me and how i should  live life 
im only taken the  lessons out of watching you move wrong
so i should do the opposites right 
is that what you meant when you say  you tried for me ? 
does this letter hit home or you to numb to feel pain or any feeling to make you think different 
because i use to cry for you at night i needed you to teach me wrong from right 
you complain about how mom raised us up
but  can you blame her for a couple  mistakes when you was the absent one

she might have failed a couple times but she tried her best
and  that women  you speak down on held your position and payed both parts in our lifes 
she would lay her life down if it was to save us 
tell me dad do you feel this ? can you hear the pain inside my words 
youll read this sit down hopefully think twice 
but its to late dad you made your bed with sheets cut from a different  cloth then the one you cut us from
 you switched up for a temperary love. 
all along it was your children the whole time who had the right patch to cover that void you feel 
you watched your mom pass away and got high the last day didnt even make it in time to say  bye
i bet that hurts alot inside im sorry dad i couldnt imagine what your feeling now 
i bet you feel lost and suffocated at the same time 
like your drowning in a  pool full of air like your breathing threw a straw 
your barley maken ends meet cause you let it all slip right out your hands  for a drug who proved itself to you more then a thoudand times 
 will you ever learn 
i bet you wish i didnt write this out i know it hitting you maken you want to cry 
but you need to hear this idc if you feel it wrong the truth hurts sometimes
 this is what  i seen as i watched from the outside
 you try so hard at the wrong times out
 your efforts put into the wrong ones
 and let the ones who deserve it chase you all around hoping you have open  arms out to  love them with your cold heart
   i can keep it warm and protected but i think it to late now i dont feel that kind of bond with you any more
 if you hug me its a regular one like everyone else
 no more comfort inside  or relief i dont think  damn i really needed that from you dad....
 you gave up on me and tried to cover it up
 yelling and being in denial saying you been the only one here  
cause really i feel i been alone and moved threw life based around my own lessons  based around your absence i was taught by you from a distance i only took the things i wanted from the shit i seen .  i learned whats right n wrong by what i picked out of life  i made my own deck of card to play my hand in life  you taught me to never trust n men  to get shit done  . 
ill love you always no matter what ill be here
 i just wanted you to hear me out and see my side because this just a letter youll read and put aside i hope you remember whose feelings these words are based on
 somone similiar to you no almost identical but you treat me like im an out cast
 but its me  you been  running from. the honest truth  im an image of you the image you failed to color inside the lines
 so i filled the empty spaces in my image since you left it here unfinished im a mess but i just call it my favorite colors
  an abstract tidedie made out of my tears and blood and happy vibes all together in one makes a perfect self portrait of the pain and success i hold inside ,a portrait of  my life made with out a father figure.