Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Once upon a time ago I had this philosophy. That one day I would die and go to heaven because I already did my time in hell. Subsequently, I promised myself that I would never return. I danced with the devil in a blazing ring of fire. It was pure misery.

When I conquered the demons of my addiction I assured myself that I would never have to be in such a place like that ever again. I assumed that part of my life was buried in the past. I assumed wrong.

Five years later, I'm back where I started. No family, no home to call my own and a little bit of money. The only difference is I'm abstinent from mind altering substances and when you're sober, you feel the anguish with a clear conscious. It seemingly hits you like ten ton of bricks. Your emotions become inflamed. The old me would have gone comfortably numb. The person I am today feels every single emotion that passes through my conscious and it gets so intense sometimes that I'll whimper to the sight of a hummingbird eating from the birdfeeder that is suctioned against the window.

I've been an emotional wreck for the past two weeks. I was set up by my own family. Just when you think they have your back through thick, they turn their own backs quicker than shit. They say that "blood is thicker than water" but that doesn't apply to me by no means. Its reversed. In my experience, the water thickened and the blood flowed thin. Sometimes we just create our own families and it's unfortunate that things play out that way and life is the furthest thing from  being fair.

These last two weeks have been immensely heartbreaking. I sob myself to sleep at night hoping that I won't wake up. I want to scream to the top of my lungs and kick a fucking ball or anything I can punt off my foot. I'm being punished over nothing and at times I just want to wash my hands, dry them off and throw that towel straight into blazing pit of firey hell because that's where I'm at all over again. Deja fucking vu.

Went to hell, came back to the purgatory and back to hell I went. I guess that's where I'm supposed to be.