Category : Books-Non-Fiction

Sub Category : Biography

Ever since I was really young, I had pretty decent social skills. I always had a group of friends growing up. My parents socialized me in a way to be kind, mannerly and a good listener and I think this all paid off with me being fairly well liked in Primary School. I went through all the usual stages from 4-11 years of age. I participated in just about everything, at the time. I had various little childish crushes on a couple of the girls too. I attended birthday parties and did everything that was normal for a little boy to do. Optimism & pessimism weren't even concepts in my head. Like most kids, I pretty much lived for the day. I didn't focus too much on the future and yesterday's past, seemed like a distant memory for me. I wasn't ever really in solitude or 'alone' back then. As I was in 5th and 6th class though, I got a vibe from deep within my core, that I didn't 'fit in'. From what i remember, no one told me i didn't fit in, it was just a fleeting feeling in my body that something wasn't congruent in me - something felt off. Looking back at it, it may have something to do with me being fostered and not having any 'proper' parents. I remember being young, still around Primary School age, and having horrific nightmares about my foster parents being imposters or frauds. In the dream, my foster parents would be lying in bed and I would walk in, only to see them as monsters. Anyway, I digress. As I said, it could have been this sense of feeling 'different' that encouraged thoughts of being an outsider, within my head. I always had an extremely vivid imagination and would write horror stories at a really young age. I could construct some really dark, weird and unique images in my brain. I would do this on a daily basis. As I got into 6th class, something changed. I didn't like big groups anymore. I felt big groups were irritating, loud & obnoxious. To this day, I still appreciate those who are more quiet and reserved, yet still are confident and have a strong will. To some extent, you might call that, 'quiet confidence'. Anyway, i started to really enjoy having just 1 close friend. I felt it was a closer connection and more intimate, in a non-sexual way. For the longest time, I wanted to actually KNOW someone. I wanted them to really know me. I always felt a bit excluded when people were talking about subjects, i felt, were shallow. I found shallow banter kind of boring. I remember a few of the boys in my class talking about TV shows or cars and I just had nothing to contribute to it. As I said, I loved story writing, my own imagination and creative ability. I always felt there was something more to talk about, other than TV shows & cars. I don't remember having an odd personality, I was still quite run-of-the-mill. Yet, I was bored. My emotions needed to be challenged and brought to the surface. To this day, I can't even listen to music that dosen't make me feel something. I guess that might be better than trying to fit in and talk about shit that I don't authentically have an interest in. I was longing to just be myself. I hated the dissonance that resulted in me being fake or pretending to have a like for something, when I didn't. It takes me a while to make friends. It takes me a while to scope people out. I judge people on their behaviour mostly. Man or woman, black or white, if you have depth of charachter and are an intruiging person, i will be happy to be in your company. When i entered secondary school, my feeling was that i hated cliques. I would much rather be an individual and be kind to everyone. Sure, i had a few close friends and certaintly wasn't liked by everyone but i was becoming an individual. So many of the 'cool' students were these faggots who had an outer image of being one dimensional. Thats my problem really, anyone who consistently talks about the same sterile and vapid bullshit, will just bore me. I have a skill and that's being able to talk about most things fairly fluently. If I have no knowledge of a subject, I generally shut up about it and don't speak. Yet I can entertain talk on most topics. I call this being multi-dimensional. The cool kids appeared to talk about girls a lot. I don't know if I was cool or uncool, you'd have to ask other people. It was maybe 1 in 20 that i felt had good listening skills, were multi-dimensional and open. This means open about their feelings, their thoughts and their lives. To this day, I don't tend to get on with people who have a lot of secrets or who don't show who they really are or what they're really thinking. This notion really creeps me out. In a sense being comfortable being alone happened out of nesscessity and i just thrived on it. When i moved out of home, there were people i lived with (the real minority) who I could really talk to. We bonded over tragedy and our attitudes to life and love. I loved people who were world-wise. As in, they had usually been through some huge ups and downs and had reflected on themselves and wanted to grow as people. I just didn't get on with people who were very innocent or naieve. I shut mysef off from people i was certain i woudn't get on with. I am comfortable with strangers, if i can be myself. Some people think being too open is creepy, whereas i think the opposite. If you're too open, some people look at you as if you have 10 heads. My lack of want to socialize in a group, drove me to staying in my room. I had to entertain myself. So i wrote, i read, i exercised, i listened to music etc. There was also a certain amount of social anxiety going on too. I felt 100% 'different'. As in, totally away from the norm. College kids, at this time (not all) wanted to party, fuck, smoke weed and drink. I coud have done all this, in the company of people i liked, trusted or found interesting. I was voluntarily isolating myself. I knew I was different or a bit weird (kooky). I felt like I wasn't going to be accepted by many people. So again, i put myself in solitude. I had to adapt. Being on my own was so much more freeing than being with people I had nothing in common with. I noticed people of my age didn't talk about their life experiences, tragedy or hardships out in the open. How the fuck was I to know who this person is? Theres more to bonding with people than sitting next to them, smoking weed and not saying anything. They're almost bonded by the drug and not by conversation. I was SICK of hearing the most boring conversations happening by people around me. None of it was of any emotional or intellectual value, to me. They were just hollow words. Another weird thing was that few people asked questions. No one really was interested in me. I would ask them questions (in a non accusatory style - going with the flow) and they would give these non enthusiastic, monotonous answers. Yuck! I fucking hated that. I hated college too because it was so restrictive. Everything had to be done 'by the book'. There was so little room for creative freedom, which is what I value a lot. At 26 I know now, that being educated and being wise are so fucking different. You can have a PHD student who isn't wise or clever. They're very trained (like a monkey) in their field of study but they lack so much real-life experience. It's all from books, all academic. You can't learn about life in books. To learn about life you have to live it. Existing isn't good enough. I can read about cancer but unless I know and feel cancer in my body, how much can I really know? I used to feel self-concious about being alone. I felt like a loser. Or if not a loser, then anti-social. I know now, at this age, that I am highly social but I am very selective about who I'm around. I wouldn't mistake this for being rude. I am still quite kind and mannerly, but I tend not to waste time with someone I feel I wouldn't like. A girl who takes 100 selfies a day, has no job, dosen't have anything interesting to say, gets by on her looks, no discerning talent....i KNOW i won't like her. So i avoid her like the plague. This is the same for the guy who is really into cars...i know I'm no gonna get on with him. I have no interest in cars. As i said, I like to observe people for a while. Not on a creepy way, just take notice of their mannerisms and how they speak, as well as what they speak about. I don't even know why 70% of people annoy me. I find the minority are the most interesting to talk to. I appreciate sensitive souls. Someone who comes off as loud, obnoxious and erratic, to me, either isn't a sensitive soul or they're pretending to be like that. Either way....i wont like them.