Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Everyone says everything will be okay. Everyone says there will be another way out. But what people don't understand is what I go through. All they see is what I show them they don't know anything about me. They just know that I'm this one girl in the world. I don't know who I am or who I will be or who I was. They don't know anything about me. I don't know what I'm trying to say here I'm just I don't know anymore. There has been so much going on in the past week that I have tried to commit suicide about 10 times now in the past week and I just don't know how to deal with everything. I have talked to my friends I've talked family that I thought I could trust. But nothing helped. On Tuesday of this week I broke up with my boyfriend. Then on Thursday we got back together. And then today my mom made me break up with him. I just don't know what to do anymore because my granny is in the hospital she's on life support and I don't know how to keep myself intact because my brother is a nine-year-old a high-functioning autistic kid and he doesn't know how to control his actions sometime. And today it was hard. Most of the time he is good he is well his actions are good it's just I know that I have to figure out how to handle it better but I'm just a 15 year old kid I don't know how to take care of an autistic child and I don't think I should be able to at this point because I have had no experience no help. My family the try to explain it to me they try to tell me what I should and should not do but with my brother things that work for them don't work for me. They tell me to be calm keep my voice load don't scream out of him but I can't do that because of everything I've been through and when he screams and when he throws things and when he threatens me I just I break down and I don't think. My family doesn't know everything that I went through there just know what I have told. I have a feeling if they knew everything they wouldn't love me as much or they wouldn't love me at all and I feel so lost right now I feel like I don't have anyone I feel like I'm nothing I can't not have my family. My mom's side of the family is the only side that has stuck with me through everything since I was born my dad left me for the first two years of my life according to my mom he never showed up for visitations he never called to see how I was doing he never try to figure out who I was. He didn't want anything to do with me and then when my mom tried to commit suicide when I was 8 he figured he should just take me and act like he was interested in my life. My Mom now has custody of me again but I have to go see my dad and less than a month and I don't know how to handle it because I know when I go over there all I want to be is screaming and yelling and hitting and I don't know if I can handle that I know I can't handle that. I can't do any of this anymore I feel like I need to just die I am going to just die. I don't deserve a life like this no one does. I have told people that I want to die I have told people that I don't be long and I have told people I have these thoughts almost everyday. Thoughts about dying thoughts about committing suicide. Thoughts about everything horrible that could be horrible. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to die in the next 24 hours or so. Can someone help. I need help. Please help!