Category : Books-Non-Fiction

Sub Category : Biography

I was born in August 1940. Will shortly be coming up to my 78th birthday. The first memories I have of this life, was being passed down by my mother, to someone in an air raid shelter, and hearing the sound of loud explosions, as houses in our street where destroyed by German incendiary bombs.
Thanks to my hard working parents, who made it possible for me to explore many avenues of life,play the sports I loved, that no doubt kept me fit, and enabled me to meet so many interesting and famous people. I have an abundance of experience's and stories as befits my quite extrordinary life. 
When I am asked what where the best years of life so far, 
then I have no hesitation in saying, every moment that I spent with my second wife Tina.
We met in 1978 she was a vivacious 23year old and had just seperated from her husband, she had one child, a boy, then aged one year. I was 38 years old, and going through with a divorce from my first wife. From the moment we met we where unseparable, she was the love of my life, we did everything together laughed,  cried, rarely argued, we had both found the love and happiness that we had been looking for.
I soon moved into Tina's council home in Droitwich West Midlands. Two years later we purchased it under the council's right to buy scheme, and from then on we never looked back.  Most of our time we spent extensively renovating and extending the house. And in  3 years we had a home to be proud of.
After five years together our lives where made even more complete by the arrival of a beautiful baby girl, exactly what we had wanted. Now we had our perfect family. 
Three years later we sold the house for a good profit and purchased a spacious semi in Worcester.
When our Daughter was eight years old and Tina's son, my stepson, was 14 years, we had everything we wanted. Tina had the house she had always longed for and I had the wife that was the envy of many men. I had found a good job in selling that just got better and better and life was good. 
       Little did we know that things where about to take a turn for the worst. 
We had just celebrated Christmas 1994 we had cooked lots of Xmas fare, had family for Dinner, kids had nearly everything they wanted, life was good.
The evening after boxing day.
We where all relaxing watching T V ,Tina and I where playing our usual hilarious game of Scrabble,  (most of Tina's words where not in the dictionary )when Tina suddenly cried out "baby I can't see, everything has gone black. Well after what seemed a very long minute, her eyesight returned, but she was crying and said I didn't like that, it was scary,  I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow.  
Next day she was looked at by the doctor who said " I think that you had a migraine aura, it is probably the start of migraines, you will start getting headaches soon." She was also sent to see the optician who said that she had perfect eyesight,  and what the doctor said was probably right.
Well over the next 2/3 months sure enough, just like they said, she got the headaches they  gradually got worse and worse. With each bout of headaches, lots of visits to the doctor, and stronger and stronger painkillers we where getting very concerned. 
I decided that I would call the Princess Margaret Trust in London to find out all I could about migraines. I explained Tina's problems and told them that we where unhappy with her constant headaches. How long do they last they asked, most of the day and night was my reply.  That doesn't sound right they said, the longest migraine we have on record is twelve days, we suggest that you get a second opinion. 
The Doctor also agreed and said that he would send her to see a Mr Barraclough consultant neurologist at the local hospital, and would send a letter that day.
Well we waited a week, then I rang Mr Barracloughs secretary to try and find out when she could see him. I managed to get through to his office, and was told yes, we have received the letter from the doctor requesting an appointment. "When can she see him I asked".Then what she said came as a bit of a shock. " There are a lot of people on the waiting list it will be some time before he can see your wife,"  "how long" I asked, "at least twelve months" she replied. "Noooo I said she could be dead by then," "I'm sorry but that's the situation."   "Look I said she needs to see the consultant  urgently, is there anything that you can do."  "Could you come privately,"  "how much would that cost" I asked, I remember the cost well,  "one hundred and thirty four pounds for a half hour appointment at the Priory private hospital in Birmingham". "OK when can she see him",  "one moment " she left the phone. I heard her return and pick up the receiver,  " 11.30 in the morning."  I was amazed, relieved,  and a little angry.
well you would think that the hard work was now over and we could get to the bottom of Tina's problems  and head for a happy conclusion. WRONG! our problems where just beginning.
                  We arrived at the Priory the next morning and I was present as Tina was examined by the top neurologist in Birmingham.  He performed a series of tests. follow my finger, touch your nose,etc plus a reflex test, all passed well enough. Then the verdict. "I would say that you have acute migraine, you are going to have to learn to live with. But we have a number of painkillers and treatments we can give you to relieve the pain.  I will give you a note  for your doctor instructing him what treatments he can give you. But I don't think there is any need to send you for a scan at this time. We left feeling happier and convinced that we had identified the problem.
                   Over the next three or four weeks Tina went through the tablets and treatments on the list from the doctor. But the headaches where getting no better, and she felt like some of the  treatments where making it worse.
Finally in the last week of May, Tina, unable to sleep, and pacing up and down the bedroom said baby "do something , I can't stand this       
for much longer, the pain is really bad, and it feels like there is water running down my face."  "OK I've got an idea"  l said, "come on let's go." Still in her nightdress, I put her in the car, and we drove twenty five miles to the now closed down Smethwick neurosurgery  hospital, I had lived near there as a teenager, and had often seen helicopters landing with serious head injuries. It was the first place that I thought of.
They didn't have an emergency unit, and it looked like I may have come to the wrong place, until I noticed the name,  Mr Barraclough on the list of operations for the next day. The consultant who had seen Tina at the Priory. 
It was then I  told a white lie in order to get some attention. when asked why had I gone there I said;  Mr Barraclough had seen Tina four weeks earlier and had said " if her headaches get bad, I am to take her there. 
It was friday and luckily he was out at some dinner and couldn't be contacted. Well after being seen by the first member of his surgical team, a lady doctor,  who repeated the tests of 4 weeks ago, and also came up with the same diagnosis. " I'm afraid its migraine, you are going to have to learn to live with it ". I don't lose my temper very often, but I said " "I have spoken to the Princess Margaret migraine trust in London, and they are of the opinion, that it is not Migraine."   considering that it was about 2.30 am I was supprised when she said. " I will contact  another member of the surgical team and see if he will come and look at your wife. 
Well at last, a sympathetic Scottish doctor, Who was concerned about the level of pain, and how long she had been suffering with no sign of relief. " "I think you did right to bring her " he said, we will keep her here overnight, and do some tests in the morning. 
I drove home tired and very worried. 
Saturday morning I drove to the hospital, there was a knot in my Stomach, I didn't have breakfast, I waited for a receptionist to come and see me to find out what ward Tina was in. As I waited, I was aware that I had three days growth on my face, and must have looked a little unkempt.
After some conversation on the phone the receptionist came back and directed me to the ward.   There I was met by the ward sister, she introduced herself and said :"we have been doing some tests on your wife and the consultant neurologist  would like to talk to you". She took me to the family room and I was asked to wait. After what seemed like an hour,but must only have been fifteen minutes, I met the doctor in charge.  Mr Fieldhouse,  we sent your wife for a scan and it has shown she has a massive swelling on the brain, and an indication of fluid in the lungs and around the heart." Well my legs turned to jelly and I felt suddenly sick. " What does this mean " I asked. " We will keep her in and do further tests but we won't know until we have completed these and done a biopsy. In  the meantime we have taken her off all the tablets she was on, and she has been given steroids. You can go and see her now. "
Well if my memory serves me right, she was in a small ward of about six beds, and as I entered she came running towards me and flung her arms around my neck, " baby I feel best I have felt for months," she laughed and said "draw the curtains around the bed, let's  make love." Behave baby I said,  but she did look good. 
The following week was full of optimism, as Tina continued to feel good on the steroids, and we waited for news from the many tests she was undergoing. I was trying to fit in work, with the rest of my time spent at the hospital.
I remember well one night when I visited, I was stopped by another terminally ill patient in the ward and I have never forgot what she said."Your wife was my Florence Nightingale last night! she sat with me all night comforting me and giving me drinks, I think I would have died if she had not been with me. I'm praying that you and her have some good news.
One day I managed to get the day off work and of course I went to the hospital. We had lunch together and after, we went for a walk in the hospital gardens.  That day was the first time that I saw the first emotional reaction to what she was going through. We had taken a couple of cans of orange juice from the machine,   we sat down on the wooden bench and where talking about the future, and the children, suddenly I saw the tears well up in her eyes, she suddenly grabbed my arm. " Baby I don't want to die" she blurted out.  Don't be silly I said people don't die at thirty nine, whatever it is they will do something.  She composed herself and we returned  to the ward.
The next day was a Saturday and we where to meet with the consultant at mid day for the final results. We where hoping for some good news as we went into the family room.  I will always remember every word that was said. Tina and I looked expectantly at the consultant waiting for him to speak and this was how it went :-  " We now have had all the results back, and I'm sorry but it's not very good " was his opening remark, " the biopsy shows that the tuma on the brain is malignant, and also that the cancer Metastatic Anaplastic Adenocarcinoma is widespread around the body" "is it operable" I asked, "no I'm afraid not" was his reply. Tina stood up, "how long have I got"?  she asked." We can't say  he said, "it is very widespread, and is an aggressive kind of cancer found mainly in older people." ( some migraine went through my mind).
Would you like a coffee?  someone said, "no" quipped Tina I just want to get out of here, can we go now?  of course was the reply.
                        What followed was an incredible four and a half weeks.  Tina carried on living life to the full, virtually pain free, I was walking around in a dream not believing any of it was true. Tina never once cried, she would go to friends and family and say :- " do you want to hear my latest news? I'm dying."People didn't believe her, but I would confirm it was true, then the mood would change and they would burst out crying. But she would say to everyone, "don't cry for me I'm OK,  let's just be happy for the life I've had and let's enjoy what's left of it." Her attitude was incredible.
I must point out here, that because the hospital that did the diagnosis was only neurosurgery, Tina was sent to a general cancer hospital for another examination.  As it turned out she attended only once. She was given tablets for the cancer and an appointment to see a cancer specialist at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham for the following week. She took the tablets for two days,  said they made her feel very sick, and despite me urging her to try refused to take anymore.  At this point she was being kept going by the steroids and anyone seeing her  would not think there was anything wrong.
                            Tina was given a suprise when our good friends Carol and Bill came one night and said they had arranged a pilgramage to Lourdes, an excursion especially for terminally ill  people. Who went there for special services and blessings, and to wash in, and drink the holy water, in the hope of some divine intervention. They where away for a few days, Tina said that she enjoyed the experience but had missed home. I was concerned with the change in her appearance for the first time she looked different, but she continued to be her happy self.  
While there Tina had a group photograph taken along with other terminally Ill  people all seeking a miracle, and the picture came out with an unexplainable bright star shining directly above her head, only her,  no one else,
amazing. 
After another two weeks of parties, BBQ'S  and visits to our favourite pub Tina got me to work with her in the garden. We filled up the many hanging basket's, mowed the lawns, I cleaned the windows, and Tina did a spring clean through the house, everything was clean and tidy just as she liked it. I was also trying to work during this time as my boss, who had seen Tina the week before, just couldn't believe how gravelly ill she was. 
The week leading up to the 3rd July will stick in my memory forever. I hope no one is offended by my description of the events but it is typically Tina, my angel.
TUESDAY. I was woken early in the morning by Tina giving me oral sex, and for the next few moments, we left this world of pain and suffering and experienced pleasure and normality.  As we lay there in each others arms she whispered to me, "baby!  I hate the thought of you sleeping with another woman, but after I'm gone,  give me six months, then find yourself someone else, because I know you can't do without your sex ."
"Don't even think about it" I said, I still have you.
Later at breakfast she still wanted to talk to me. "Baby listen to me! I'm ready to go now? I don't want any more visitors just you me and the children, of course I protested, she was calm and said " I feel now its time baby, please don't get upset.
I don't to this day know how she knew, but from then every day was like taking a step down  each one worse than the one before.
Wednesday : I had to go to work as usual,  but I tried to race around,  see only my best customers and get home early. 
That day Tina wanted to go to meet our daughter from school. Again it was hot. She walked about a hundred yards towards us, ( I had collected her from school,) as we met she greeted us with the usual hugs and kisses but then said " baby I feel faint? I think I have walked too far.  After a while, she slowly walked half way back, then I ended up carrying her the rest of the way home.
That night was spent watching TV with the children, Tina and I always sat on the sofa snuggled together, kids usually sat on the floor. It was then she said to me, "you know baby my one big regret about all this  is,  "I will never get to see my little baby walk down the Isle, and be part of choosing her dress." 
Thursday : Tina didn't sleep well, and was down early doing a little cleaning, she was complaining of severe pains in the stomach. By then the doctor was calling in daily and he organised her first visit from that wonderful organisation the Mc Millan nurses. By Thursday evening she had been given a morphine  driver, (the steroids had stopped working) this made her more comfortable and in less pain.
Friday : Tina was a non practising catholic and that morning we had a visit from the priest. We went through a short conversation, and he explained that Tina would be given a new blessing known previously as the last rites. This he administered to her, we all prayed, and he was gone. " Aghh wasn't that lovely," I remember her saying. "It depends how you look at it" I said, "I would prefer not to need it".  For the most of that day we sat in the garden by the pool we had made, and watched the fish that had quadrupled in size since we had put them in. "Don't you forget to feed them" Tina said "and water the hanging baskets, or I will come and haunt you she laughed. That night I couldn't get her to eat much, and she was feeling very weak when we went to bed.
SATURDAY : Another very hot day. There was a big change for the worst, and to compound that we must have had a visit from most of Tina's family that was huge, my brother came up from London with a pot plant and also my
 mother and father came.
For the first time I think everyone realised just how gravelly ill  Tina was. She stayed in bed all the day,and although she recognised and greeted everyone, she was drifting in and out of consciousness. 
Around 7.00pm she woke and tried to take a sip of water,"baby I don't want any more visitors she said,  just you and me" our daughter had been taken to stay with Tina's sister in Birmingham. Come lie and hold me. I lay beside her and she soon drifted off to sleep. 
SUNDAY:  It was another blistering hot day, we had come through a restless night but I think without too much incident. Tina was well aware of what was going on around her and in the morning we had a visit from the Mc Millan nurses who tried to make her as comfortable as possible. Tina's best friend and husband where staying with us and made Sunday lunch.
It was some time during the afternoon  when Tina who had been sleeping suddenly jumped out of the bed punching the air and said "baby what is happening to me"  I grabbed her arms and helped her back into bed, but she was remarkably strong considering her condition. 
She was finding it hard to relax and for the remaining hours of Sunday she was very agitated. 
I called in the doctor in the evening and he gave her a sleeping sedative, but she was still not settled, and I sat with her, holding her hand and mopping her brow until the early hours of Monday. 
I thought that I would try and sleep myself so I slipped into my pyjamas then I went downstairs to check that all the lights were out, and get a cold drink. As I was getting back into bed, Tina, who was lying on her back opened her eyes and uttered what was to be her last words. "OH SWEETHEART " she said  rolled towards me and put her arm over me, I put my left arm over her, and we lay together and tried to sleep.
I must have been falling asleep  as she took a long deep breath, I was quickly awake waiting for her to breathe out, but all I got was a rattle no more, and she was gone.  She died just as she had wanted, at home, and in my arms. And so the love of my life, all my life,  my best friend, dedicated mother was gone. Aged thirty nine, and four and a half weeks after being diagnosed. 
It was good that I had help in the house and I would like to thank Carol and Bill now, after all these years for being there. 
I was walking around in a
 daze, but I remember the undertaker coming into the bedroom and saying " oh my god what a beautiful woman, whatever has happened here"
       She had the best send off anyone could possibly have, the small catholic  church couldn't get everyone in, the Priest gave a wonderful account of her life, and they ended by playing the song we had listened to together over the last four and a half weeks. Everyone left, even my boss from work with tears in their eyes.
It's hard for me to believe that I was with Tina for only seventeen years, and I am now in my seventy eighth year, as I think of her still every day.
I'm sure that I speak for everyone that has lost their wife, or someone close, when I say that you don't just lose your loved one, you lose your whole way of life, nothing is ever the same again.
One week after the funeral there was a knock at the door, it was Tina's friend Pat, standing there with a Vax wet and dry cleaner.  "Tina asked me to bring you this, and to say don't forget to give the carpets a good clean, because they will need doing after the funeral when everyone has walked on them with their shoes on, and I am to make sure you do it " she laughed.  Why was I not supprised! 
And finally the song we listened to together over the final weeks. Tina said play this when I'm gone baby and I will be standing beside you every time you do. I defy anyone who has lost someone to listen to it and not shed a tear.
Only Love  by Nana Mouskouri. Download it now and listen to it. I have; hundreds of times.

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