Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Miscellaneous

Lo~osing
The only thing I fear, is that my anger will fade away. That I won't hold the conviction and resolve that I do now.
I always do this. And nothing is going to change. I HAVE to change. I can't do this anymore.I wish someone could just tell me the answer sometimes. I miss my dad. I can't take it when he actually cried infront of me saying "that when adults don't like hearing something they take a walk, they don't kick people out." Instantly I'm shaking, upset, feeling that this is my fault? Am I the bad person here. I had asked him to get his own place for a while now, and I was giving him however much time he needed. But when he called me that, I did just tell him to leave right then and there. I didn't care in that moment if he had to sleep outside or under a bridge. And that sounds horrible ! I sound do mean! I hate it!  But again I told him he could stay until he finds a place. At first I only wanted him to find his own place we were still going to date, in my mind. But in his head he was thinking, if he has to move we will no longer date. That upset me too. 
I rent the basement of my mother's house. And when I met him he was living in a room. So I invited him to stay with us when his room had (bug issues) from the apartment he was in. And that was 5 years ago. I honestly didn't think that we would both stay at my mothers for this long. But I guess he was actually insulted when I asked him to find a different place. It took a long time but I thought we had finally come to an understanding. He was talking to me about apartments he was looking at. Until two days ago. 
When we were arguing about something stupid and I said "Look,  just when are you leaving?" He got upset from that of course. I knew he would. But that's when he snapped and replied "I am leaving already c***" So then of course, I lost it and started yelling about how I want to break up now since you obviously said that knowing everything. And he said " we've been broken up for a while now!" Clearly it sounds like we are on different pages anyways. But I can't help but feel he's trying to turn this around on me, or maybe it is my own conscience telling me I did something wrong. It is so hard to know the right answer. If he is trying to make me feel bad, he's doing a really good job though.
It's so unfortunate that such a beautiful day has to be ruined by these emotions. That are so 'vital' to life. Honestly I hate it. I can be the most positive person and give great advice, when it's on the other side of the table. But me.. No, I have to loose all control, and see the whole world differently when it's me... I'm just not the same person. In fact. I don't even know who I am by myself anymore. It's been too long that I've had someone with me. Looking at myself right now.. Ugh, I really disappoint myself. True eyes of pity right here. I honeslty thought I'd do better this time. That I'd never loose myself again over a guy. But of course. Once it happens, I really have nothing to do with it. It's all up to what he says. And what he does, that affect me. If he pushes, I fall for it. How simplistic is that.
I'm glad no one important sees me like this. I mean they've seen me worse.. But I'm always to worried about them worrying about me. So somehow I turn around and always say 
"I'm ok." 
"I'll be fine." 
And I can snap back into my normal happy, strong willed, self.  But I don't want anyone to see me like this. I have a few friends, 2 honestly that I want to talk to. Two girls. One is a girl I have known since preschool and we've been best friends since grade 7.. The other, is a girl I've known for over 2 years now. She is dating my brother who is 3 years older than me. But she and I are the same age. And we clicked really well. I trust them, and I've talked to them. But there too good of friends. There honest but they won't hurt me.
For the people on here I have 'made friends' with, and I would call them 'friends' now.. I actually just want to say thank you. At first I didn't want to talk about my personal life, I was only going to write Fictional stories. But there is something comforting in having some friends that have no obligations to you. Give you their honest opinion. It really is helping me.  I appreciate it so much, that I have this place to come to. Yet I also don't want to turn this into a depressing type of profile. 
So I'm going to take a little break. Just while I figure/sort some things out. I haven't been able to write  my stories anyways, the past few days. So I am going to try and get back to writing while I take a small break just from posting anything up. 
Thank you again everyone, especially Thomas Hunter, Zee Zulu, Ander wolf and Ic3 wolf. You are appreciated.