Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Miscellaneous

This Blog has Mature Content/Language. Please only read if you are 18+.
Le~Miserable
I really don't know what to do. I talk to the important people in my life, so that's not what I mean. This is something- a choice, that has to be made. I hate ranting about my personal life. And I'm honestly someone who falls apart when my relationship does. So I'm going to do something I don't really like to do, but I'll take advantage of this alias I have and my anonymous status to rant.
What if- the person you love a great deal, the person you've been with for 5 years now. In the the same bed every night, share everything. Crossed a line? A line that you stated,  and that he had broken or passed Twice already in those past 5 years. And I forgave him... I didn't want to get into details but I guess it doesn't matter. It's not like he cheated. But to me it's the principle.
I understand people say things they don't mean when their upset, I try not to be immature or naive.. And I try to always be understanding and forgiving. But when he called me a certain word. Well, it was the word that my deceased father told me you should never call someone. Unless you're ready to get hit, (to be honest). I think in the states this might be different too, but here in Canada if you call a man a "Goof". My dad said I should never call a man that unless I was ready to get hit. And my father was the most respectable man towards women, someone who would protect them. And the way he spoke about family too.. A very honerable man who I cherished. 
Also for women the most disrespectful word is "Cunt". And after the first time he called me that disgusting, hurtful word. Out of anger and an argument we were having the one day. I had told him about my father and how I felt about the word. So that atleast, understanding we are adults and we love eachother but we will still have arguments sometimes in the future. Every couple does. Atleast he will avoid that One word for me out of respect, I was hoping.
The second time I guess he was being spiteful and said it on purpose to push a button? I had said we were done.. I was pretty angry, so he called me it that second time. Which only made me furious. Thinking he didn't care anymore since he would call me that. Or he did it on purpose knowing how I feel. After that we ended up really talking things out for a while and working on things. Sometimes we can both be really mature and work on things together. So from then on our arguments were alot better. Nobody would go too far, to push the others buttons..(I had to work on things aswell) Because I am not perfect! Far from it, I know I make my mistakes aswell. But one thing I can say- is that I can admit that. Where as my other half has a harder time with his stubborn, egotistical, prideful nature. 
But we would give each other space in those times. Respecting how the other person felt aswell, since we both obviously wanted to continue to be with each other. It was working alot better.
Of course there is alot more that has to do with this argument, or that goes on behind the scenes but that would take alot to explain right now. So today we had a stupid little argument though, and it just spun out of control quick. But after he said a sentence to me, after it came the word: "cunt"...I honestly snapped, and I hate it when I do! I hate getting mad! I hate being that person! But he clearly had no respect for me in that moment. I told him to leave, and I wanted him gone that instant. Usually I'm way more understanding, and would never kick someone I love out that moment. I would give someone time, which I think is the respectful thing. 
But in that moment I just wanted him out of my house. I offered him his half of the rent back just so he would leave. I was yelling like a typical, unmanagable girl. ( Which is so uncool) but I really did loose my cool. Yelling, saying “get out now. I can't believe you would call me that. Disrespectful, inconsiderate, ungrateful...” I'm sure the list went on.. And got worse. But then in the midst he went to calm me down, I guess? But by like brushing it under the rug..? Saying my name then saying "stop, come on.." Like I was just over reacting ? But he does this to me alot, and doesn't take me seriously. And it makes me so mad! So In that moment I was like "No! You don't get to say that.. You don't get to act like it's nothing when your the one who crossed the line! Try and calm me down? No!” 
I wanted him to understand so bad how upset I was and that I was never going to forgive him again! Even if he would apologize ever. I just.. What can I do !? I don't like this feeling like he thinks he can do whatever, and I'll just take him back?! Like isnt that being walked all over? This is the third time, and he definetly did it either thinking in the back of his head that he would be forgiven almost instantly. Or did it implying "I don't care what you think." Either way I don't want to cave. I need to have a little respect for myself, and show him that I can't do this anymore. He chose to do the one thing I had asked him not to, twice after I asked. 
Yet still in a tiny place in the back of my head. I can tell there is something, a feeling that maybe I am over reacting. That the "word" shouldn't matter possibly? But there's still the fact that he said it being the one thing! Like I dont know, I could be over thinking things in contradicting ways! I hate who I am in relationships. Relationships are hard. I've only been in two! My first was 7 years, and that turned out horrible. Honestly. Now I'm in my second and it's been 5 years. They were both atleast 7 years older too. And I feel like I might have to go through this long, horrible, dragged-out process again! And it's horrifying.. a bit. I'm horrible in these situations. Yet I hate being alone, and I haven't been since I was 12... To be completely honest. I feel like I just can't think the same way I normally do. And I want to get back to myself quickly. 
I'm stuck, but I know everything.. Will work out one way or another. Thanks for listening. Sorry you got to hear a whole nother' side to me. A side that was unsightly an I don't like anyone seeing. Hopefully I'll be back to myself soon. 
Till’ Next Time.