Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

The other night when he came over, I asked him if he was okay. He said, "I've been better, but I'm fine." 

But when I looked into his eyes, I clearly saw his pain and struggles there. He quickly looked away and tried his best to smile. A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. A smile that was more for show and style. He knew I could see right through his downplay and so he added softly, "I'll make it through this, it's just taking me a while."

I knew he was hurting and I could feel his pain was deep. Deep down I knew he felt the burden was his, and his alone to keep. Seeing him put on a brave front for me almost made me weep. I reached out to him and held his hand in mine. With our hands entwined, I whispered, "I love you, my man. Your burdens are also mine."

I know there are times where he does feel fine, but I also know other times where fine is just a word he hides behind. 'Fine' is him being polite. 'Fine' is what he feels he's supposed to say. 'Fine' is how he feels he's expected to be. 

Fine. 
But all the time...? 
Even with me...?

I know for a fact that sometimes when he says 'fine', it actually means anything but fine. Sometimes his 'fine' means he's anxious and scared. Or he's lonely and depressed. His 'fine' can also mean an uncertain question like, "I don't know if you really care?" And for the most part, I know for a fact that when he tells me he's fine he's really saying he doesn't want to worry me. And that 'fine' is usually accompanied by a nod and a smile when he's afraid to admit to me that he's not fine or he can't find the right words to describe what's going on in his mind.

Doesn't he realize it is me he's talking to...?
The one person who understands him better than he understands himself...?
Doesn't he know that with me it is fine for him to say, "I'm not fine"...?