Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Miscellaneous

When you are abused, mentally or physically, it changes you. Be it a parent, loved one, or significant other, it changes you. Everything I write is true. I don't usually talk about it. My boyfriend recently asked me why I apologize so much, even if I didn't do anything wrong. If I forget something at the store, I immediately tear up and apologize. If my son cries or is up late I apologize. I find myself hiring a sitter even when he says he will babysit for me to work since hes out of work right now. It would save us money until he finds another job, but I don't want to be a burden. He asks why, it's just how I am. Well this is why. 
In high school, most people start dating. For the most part, we understand these relationships may not last, but the impact they have on us continues through our lives. My first real boyfriend was sweet. He didnt argue or fight with me and we got along great. We put each other first and even my family liked him. He moved out of state and we tried long distance, but I was young. I met somebody new. He saw me when I was figuring out why I was always angry or upset, even when it was something I couldn't control. He seemed like he was helping me. I thought he was. 
The first month was great. We just clicked. He said I was his first everything. I wanted to cut my hair. My migraines were bad and my grandma said it help if I cut my hair. I'm desperate for relief so I said I was. He was so mad. He told me if I cut my hair he would break up with me. I'm not one to let somebody tell me what to do, so I did it anyways. He was mad but after seeing it, he liked it. I didn't think anything about it. He was always around. If I went to the bathroom and he was at my house, he would time me. If I took longer than he thought I should he would ask me what was in the bathroom that was more important. He was actually mad at me. Then he would time me everytime I would eat or do anything other than talk to him or spend time with him. 
My best friend noticed some of the little things and just got out of an abusive relationship herself. She saw how I would always be with him and if others would come talk to me I would almost ignore them. My boyfriend finally said I cant be friends with her. I wasnt okay with that. So I would only talk to her in class and when he wasnt around. I got caught. He yelled at me. I tried to break up with him. I stayed with her so he couldn't find me. He looked up her family and got her address and phone number and kept calling. I kept apologizing to the family. They told me the constant apologizing is a sign of mental abuse. I knew they were right but I still took him back. Things got worse. His step mom didnt like me. She would abuse him anyways but when I called her out she threatened to kill me. I just kept away from her. Things got worse. 
He would come to my house nightly. If I didnt sneak him in he would threaten to kill my family. If I didnt have sex with him he would force it. I gave him whatever he wanted. I didnt want to make him mad. Prior to him leaving the state and moving I told him no I didnt want any of it and tried breaking up with him. He hit me. He actually hit me. Normally it was yelling and telling me I'm ugly or nobody would love me just him. He hit me. Things got twisted. I felt like I deserved it. Like I made him do it. I kept having panic attacks. I didnt have friends anymore and I basically quit everything I loved to keep him happy. My life revolved around him. If I didnt he would be mad. 
He left. I thought I was free. We were still together doing long distance but i was still basically free. I didnt have him hitting me or yelling or anything. During which i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The panic attacks also had nightmares and sleep paralysis. When he was gone I was fine. It lasted a few months. That's it. Just a few months. 
When he came back I had gained weight. He told me if I gained anymore he would leave my fat ugly butt. That my face was always horrible but I had a nice body. He noticed I was hanging out with my old friends and he wasnt happy. The panic attacks came back. During these times I would find myself losing my voice without a cause. I would try to talk and couldn't. It was my body's way of defense. The hitting came back, everything. I had enough. He called and threatened. I kept everything and went to the vice principal. I went to show her my phone and have her listen to him threatening me. She said I was asking him to do this to me. It was my fault. The death threats were my fault. My family and friends lives being threatened was my fault. I kept going to teachers. A few took me seriously and kept having me talk to the principal but the vice principal would say she was handling it when she wasnt. 
One day he threatened to kill my family if I didnt take him back. He grabbed me and pushed me down. I took him back. A few guys were tired of what he was doing to me. They all claimed to have slept with me thinking if he thought I was dirty he wouldn't want me. That didnt work. I got hit more. I soon found myself pregnant. I was only 15. Never did I actually say yes to sex, but it was better than getting hit I thought. At least I can hide that. When he realized I didnt want him in the babys life, he poisoned me. Causing me to lose the baby. The dr said I couldn't have babies after that. 
I kept asking for help but nobody would. He packed a gun in his dad's vehicle and came to school. I knew it was there, he told me. I told him it was over I couldn't do it anymore. My friends had me sign a contract refusing to take him back. Anything to get me away from him. He threatened to shoot up the school until he killed me then himself. I was scared. I went to class crying and told my teacher I needed the principal again. She went to walk me there but he was already pulling me out of class with the on campus cop. My ex said I had the gun and I threatened him. He was sent back to class while I was being questioned. He went to his truck. I told the principal I wanted to talk to him. The vice principal wouldn't let me. I pulled up everything and said I don't have a car or gun. Be called my grandpa who verified i dont drive and we dont own guns. The cop called my ex class and he wasnt there. They called other cops in and put me in a room being guarded by police. The principal apologized and said he would do whatever to keep me safe. They found him. He had a knife and gun. He was working on the shooting but was stopped. He was expelled and sent away, for good. I was never the same. Ever. 
I only dated guys who treated me badly and if they didnt I would. I let myself want the cheater. None hit me until my middle daughters dad. He hit me often. I thought I deserved it all. I finally met a good guy. I'm always scared of the same thing happening that I'm quick to apologize and I cry a lot and easily. My ex fiance use to hit on me as well. I kept pushing marriage because I didnt want to be that girl who had 3 kids and not married. After splitting and  being single for a while I realized it's better to be a single mom than married to a guy who was mean and always cheating. 
Most my relationships have been a mess. My brain keeps going back to the abuse. I often have sex before I'm ready because in my head if I say no hes gonna do it anyways. My current bf has never just did it. If I said no he would say okay and just hold me all night. Nothing even pushy. He doesnt really yell at me or fight. He does yell but never at me. Hes not a violent guy. I'm still always on guard though. He asks me why I apologize so much. Be asks me why I'm often jumpy. He asks me why I'll randomly panic for no reason. Well this is why. What all I wrote down isnt everything but it's a good bit. Whenever I think about the abusive relationship I just wish I could see him once more with my 3 kids and new boyfriend. Happy. Just to let him know, he beat me, he raped me, he drugged me and caused me to lose my baby, he left me so having kids was almost impossible but I still had 3 kids, I was beaten down, damaged, but I'm not broken.