Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

     In between the sheets of the bed, naked, exposed to the world, him asleep next to me. He was hot, I had to admit that, because anyone who looked at him would tell you he was. 
     5 years, I wanted to save myself for marriage, be good, better, but obviously that didn’t happen. But we’ve been together for 5 years, and either this or him leave me for a whore on Burn St. that would be on crack, and be a prostitute, and never catch feelings for him, because a ho never catches feelings. 
     So did I make the right choice? Now I regret it, because it was more like a ultimatum, sex or he would leave. 
     I got out of bed, put on my clothes, a sweat shirt, and my Nike sneakers, got my phone and wireless earbuds, and went for a run like I always do when I need to think, no one to bother me, hurt me,  annoy me, just me and the woods, open air, and my depressing ass music that only one person has heard. No one else sees me as who I am, ugly, broken, lonely,  down right scared. 
     My friend shot herself on August 15th 2017, at age 11. I haven’t been the same since. Nothing seems to take away grief, not music, walks, tears. I’m numb now, paralyzed, immobile. I feel like nothing I do makes a difference, if I killed myself, like she did, would I be missed? Do I matter? Should I? The last time I tried, Jensen found me, he’s my boyfriend of five years, and the one I just had sex with. He made throw up the depression pills I downed, though I wanted to keep in all in. 
     I ran to the creek that I cry at, and sat by the water, but I didn’t cry. I can’t anymore, I haven’t in two years. I’ve seen death, pain, and other things I won’t bare to mention. So who am I numb to all these feelings that surge through me? I have them, I feel thing tingle in me, but not hurt. I need help. But I won’t let anyone through the wall I’ve built.